Patti's Grace Notes

Widow Walk 5 Months 1 Day/On My Own

 

Oh, but this is an effort today. I promised, those months ago, to write honestly and while I prefer to uplift my readers and carry them on a message of hope and healing, I can't always do that. I wish I could, but I know that is not reality, not if I hope to work through this grief in a thorough and healthy manner. If I am to write at all (trust me, right now I'd rather not) I have to include these very dark days. I am at a low point. I'm not asking for calls, visits, nor pity - this is what loss of a dearly loved one looks like and I must face it and sometimes alone. It's been 5 months, five months, of not seeing my husband, hearing his wonderful accented voice (other than on home movies) touching him or experiencing his warm embrace or encouraging wink of one of those baby blues. How is this even possible?

Sometimes I fool myself that I feel ok....that possibly I really am, but then...., like yesterday and today-reality hits hard. Don't worry, please don't. I. Must. Do. This. I can't have spent everyday, by choice, with someone for nearly 40 years to have this adjustment be easy. I must pay my dues, I will endure - but it's so difficult, so painful. I hope I can make it through; I pray that I can. I just miss him so much. Sorry, sorry...this is what I tried to prepare you for...myself for.

 

I've started back to work after the holiday break and that is good. I'm trying to continue walking and for the most part I have, but not with the same dedication as before - maybe that is part of my problem. I don't have the panicked urgency of heading out of the house at a quarter to midnight with the dogs and a flashlight so as not to miss a day. That is the motivation of a goal (especially when you have readers to face), but it is still part of my life and I'll not give it up. Poor Rufus has suffered as of late due to my increased work schedule and the demand on my stamina. My heart is tired, I'll admit it and when I don't walk - the dogs don't get out. Maybe that explains why Rufus, normally not a chewer, damaged the cushion of my favorite wicker sofa last night. Give me a break, it's only been 48 hrs. I think I've spoiled him. I'll finish here and then take him out in to the rain. It will match my mood and do us both good. Mikey is too much of a wuss - poor guy, I don't blame him. He's getting on - over 80 in dog years. I hope I'm doing as well as he is when I'm that old.

 

                                                                            Sad Dog!!
Not long ago I went to lunch with my friend and former colleague, Irene. She gave me a post-Christmas present and in it was an antique table cloth with a note attached. It read:

A story for you Patti:
"Somewhere back in the mists of time, there was a woman who knew that a good cloth with a hole in it should not be thrown away as if it were worthless. A careful job of mending might make it serviceable. In her case, the hole was too large to draw together, and patching would make it unsightly, so she decided to embroider tiny stitches around the hole. It was so much more satisfying and en-heartening that she kept up with her theme and made something very special...a piece of 'cut-work'.
Sometimes we are left with a hole in our lives, a hole in our hearts, a hole in our family. But the life, the heart of the family, is too good to throw away....and patching or covering up never does do the job. So, like the good housewife, we find that with a a careful and gentle touch we can place fine stitches of memory and laughter and treasured stories around the hole. Then the hole will never be denied or hidden, but will become a treasured part of the fabric of life."

 

This special piece of cloth now sits on my dining room table. It reminds me of my husband in more ways than one. I possess many beautiful pieces of 'cut-work' from his native country - pillow slips, table cloths, folk costumes. I can now understand how this beautiful handwork developed - out of necessity and practicality. They were too precious and rare to waste so they were improved. Hard working people valued what they had and made the best of them. I realize that I can never 'fix' this hole in my heart. To pretend as if everything is A-ok would be to try and cover up what was once whole and complete, even to myself. I will work hard to stitch around this loss and maybe the result will be something very special, but in the process I have to face my wound, as painful as it is. I must 'sit-with-it' to be able to create new fabric. Thank you, Irene, for this very precious gift. Thank all of you for allowing me to heal in this way. I know it can't be easy to read, but you can't say you weren't warned.

And finally, a thank you to my new friend and teacher, Patrice - all the way from New York. I did my homework (it helped me greatly) and I ask my readers to do the same. Please read this Rumi poem three times. (On my own?....not really)

 

 

 

Rumi - Guest House

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

 

and now?..... maybe a banana split....

 

 

 

Widow Walk 2 Months 8 Days/Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

365 Walks-Day 294 

 

Turn that frown upside down....

I spent two hours with my cell phone company, today, simply trying to terminate my husband's phone and then transfer the billing to my name. That's it. Pretty simple - right? I've had the same cell phone number since we talked on bricks. How I could have ended up paying MORE money for less than when I started. Two hours, three customer service employees, and a sweaty t-shirt later I finally waved the white flag and took Rufus for a much needed walk.... I still don't know how many damn roll over minutes I have or how many text messages I can make - but I get to sign the check with my name!

...and you will get a smile. 

I dropped my son and his wife at the airport at 5:30 am along with his racing wheelchair. He will participate in his first triathlon as a challenged athlete. As a double amputee he will compete in a 1.2 mile ocean swim and a 13.1 mile run (racing-wheelchair). His team mate will take the cycle portion of the race - 56 miles on a hand cycle. Their team is called 'The Fire Walkers'. This event features "world-class challenged athletes, professional triathletes, celebrities, and other able-bodied participants". My son is considered to represent the 1% of amputees that share his limb-loss, possessing only one of six possible lower-body joints. I am bursting with pride and only a little trepidation. Pray with me for a safe experience and lets hope the lava gods are smiling on the 'Fire Walkers' on Sunday. Click here for more info (BTW-he's looking for sponsorship for future competitions and hopes to motivate other challenged hopefuls.) I wish to publicly thank my friend Thalia for helping to make this journey possible.

So to hell with the stupid cell phone companies of the world! I have my smile firmly planted and with damn good reason.

365 Walks-Day 224 & 225/Farewell My Lovely

 

 August 14, 2010

Today my beloved husband and our children's father died at 11:13 am. Our grief is profound, our love and committment to each other - strong. 

How can such a natural part of life's cycle feel so abnormal, so uniquely ours? Your outpouring of love and kindess is beyond measure - we all thank you.

A memorial service will be held at Holy Rosary Parish in Edmonds, Saturday, August 21st at 11 am. 

I will continue to walk for now my life depends on it. It might just be a little slower and a whole lot sadder.

365 Walks-Day 224/Please Pray

I don't really want to be doing this, but I feel it's the quickest way to get our message out to some beloved friends and family. Our Apu has suffered a horrible fall, alone in our driveway, which has resulted in massive bleeding throughout his brain. There are many complications, but he has survived the night. I'm home only to shower and will return to Harborview for a family conference with his team of physicians. 

My walk yesterday consisted of finding the enterance to the Emergency Room and then pacing the halls. Our girls arrived from LA late last night and the whole family is altogether. He's tough and I'm convinced he will pull through this, but it is by far our toughest challenge yet.

I'll make brief updates when I can. I am well supported and have no immediate needs except for my guy to wake up and say, "Sheet, gotdammit, what the hell are you guys trying to do to me." Well and some other sweet nothings. Pray if that is your way, we really need it this time more than ever. Love to all, Patti Grace.

365 Walks-Day 161 & 162/No News

Not much to report and not much heart to report it. My guy's condition hasn't changed much, sadly. It could be worse, I should add that - we don't wish to be tested further. 

I am walking each day. I do have that - mostly around home or I'll drive the jeep in town with the dogs just to keep it running since it's not driven much. Sigh

Sorry, I know I should have some sage wisdom or inspiration about all of this, but I just don't - I just don't.

365 Walks-Day 155 & 156/The Pathetic Faction

It doesn't happen very often, but I'm almost at a loss of what to say. There have been so many good and kind people sending thoughts, prayers, and just well wishing in general. I wish I had better news to report, but my husband says that he doesn't note much improvement tonight.

I should have written earlier because mid-day he seemed to be doing better. It's hard to tell because the pain is, of course, worse upon movement. The better you feel the more you want to move. He's been in bed all day except for this morning. He moved a bit better, I thought, and was a little optimistic, but he's tried to keep activities limited. So I really don't know what's going on at this point. The next day or two will tell, but he can still get one more treatment with this high concentration of steroid IV and then that's it. Maybe it will just take time. My assessment is that he appears somewhat better but that might just be wishful thinking.

When we got home from the clinic, last night, I started his dialysis and helped him settled down. I could't face cooking so I drove to the waterfront and ordered halibut and chips, from Arnie's, to bring home. While I waited for my order I walked along the marina with Rufus. I felt so bad for him being cooped up all day. He has access to our side yard but I just sort of identified with his need for fresh air and movement. After the stress of the day and the relief of making it back home in one piece, it felt wonderful to be out near the water for even a short time. Rufus was sure happy.

Today was no day to be indoors, but I got over my pity party quickly and set about my nursing duties with a hopeful heart. As the day wore on and I began to unravel, the exhaustion set in. One good thing I've discovered is that I can still cook - not bad. I barbecued marinated flank steak tonight and Daddio raved. Well I guess he's not stupid - not if he wants to continue eating. This is a guy who LIVES to eat - a three meal a day kind of person. Not at all like me who eats to live and can graze my way through an entire 24 hrs and never actually sit down. I feel like the women of a few generations ago who cook a meal, clean up and start preparation for the next one. I sound like I'm complaining, but I'm not - really. It's a very small thing compared to what he goes through and I'm embarrassed how pleased I was with his compliments on my cooking. I have been exceptionally spoiled by this man. Pay back!

Rufus and I walked late tonight, used the "torch" (homage to my fake Brit kid) and everything. It was nice to be out, I was just sorry I missed the sun. I've been trying to complete my student's evaluations a little at a time - only one more, thankfully. It's been difficult to keep my mind on them; they deserve better.

Our son as just come from the ferry to stay the night. He spent the day on the Peninsula with one of my brothers, golfing. For those of you who know him, it's no small thing that he golfs - wearing two prosthetics....and he's pretty good (so I'm told and not by him). 

Well, it's practically in the middle of the night and the two men I love most are sprawled across my bed exchanging their day and little factoids of life. He must be feeling better, they're chatting like teenage girls. They are amazing, these two - the "pathetic faction" of the family, according to our son. The blind leading the blind - one gimp to another...thank you God for our sense of gallows humor or we'd all be stark raving mad. Don't let on that you know, but they aren't even a little pathetic - not even close. G'night Gracie.

Now these two are pathetic!

365 Walks-Day 152 & 153/I Believe

As I walked near my home today this song kept running through my mind. I often wonder how people who don't believe manage to get through life's challenges. I certainly don't judge them and would fight to the death for their right not to, but I'm so grateful I do. I just don't think I would make it.

It's been a demanding week and I don't see it getting significantly better any time soon. Oral medication hasn't helped my husband's herniated back and the poor guy has been in such pain. He is almost totally incapacitated and I must do everything for him. I even put him on dialysis yesterday - he was flat in bed and could hardly move. I was relieved that we were able to get him to his doctor today - that was progress. We do have a plan and if things don't get better in the next couple of days we'll activate it. It is just horrible seeing him like this; we're both exhausted, but he's the one suffering. I believe, I believe, I believe...

Yesterday's walk was also close to home but in the other direction. It's amazing to me how far and fast I can walk when I'm talking. The dogs are great but It's best when have someone right there with me. If I can't have that it works on the phone too. I know - not the best thing to do while enjoying the great out-of-doors, but we do what we must to keep our sanity. I believe, I believe....

I'm busy writing student's final evaluations in between house maid and nurse and I'm hoping I'll be ready and able to hold their scheduled conferences next week...and pick up my daughter-i-l at the airport (I want to do it)...and make it to the final exam....and attend graduation...and have the book club meeting at my house....and welcome family from out of the country....and embrace our youngest home from her great London adventure of 5 yrs....and throw her the best graduation party we can muster....and hold my sweetie together ( and me too).....I believe~

365 Walks-Day 146 -148/Baby, You've Got What it Takes

I think I'll start with today and work backwards - it's just how my mind wants to work at the moment. I'm in that period of the quarter where all the final evaluations and loose ends of paper work must be completed. I'm grateful that I don't have to be on campus or at the hospital every moment but my days are full none-the-less. 

I began the day by taking Apu to the outpatient area of the hospital to receive a couple of units of blood. We learned on Wednesday along with a couple other tidbits of not so joyful news that he is very anemic - as in extremely. This morning was the earliest "non-emergency" time he could be fit in, plus he had a few priorities of his own - he's earned that, at least. He is at the point where he must be transported in a wheelchair when covering any distance. He's weak and in a lot of pain, sigh. I left him in capable hands and then drove south of Seattle to pick up the extra dialysis solution that needed. The good news in all of this madness is that his kidney status seems to be stable (more or less) for the moment. I did a little grocery shopping, dropped off a prescription for more steroids and raced home to start dinner and try to get some school work done. Then it was time to go back and pick him up. I don't know how he does it, I really don't.

By the time I got him home, settled, dialysis initiated and fed I had to leave for south of Seattle again to pick my sister up from the airport. That is at least one bright spot in our lives - she has seemingly met 'The One' and they happily spent a nice week traveling in Arizona. I am so happy for her. I prayed for it and she deserves it. The point of all of this? I finally walked Rufus on my road at 10pm - but we walked!

Now I am moving back to yesterday. After an emotional and draining day on Wednesday (it's coming; isn't this fun) it was a much anticipated and very needed reunion with my two sisters-from-other-mothers, Penny and Theresa (review). It took this long for us to be able to schedule a day together to celebrate my April birthday. There is something to belated parties - wonderful fun to look forward to. They are my breath of fresh air; my long sip of cold water after being parched. We kept it simple on this visit and that suited me just fine. Theresa had already met up with Penny and they both picked me up at the ferry. We went back to Penny's house in Suquamish that looks out over Port Madison. The view is just exquisite and her cozy home reminds me of the quarters of a tall ship. We talked and talked and laughed and talked and cried as usual. Penny handed me a packet of letters that I'd written to her shortly after I was married, nearly 37 yrs ago, and had moved with my new husband to live in Hawaii. She told me that she so enjoyed them, but felt as though she was reading my journal from my first year of marriage and wanted me to have them now. They couldn't have come at a sweeter more appreciated time. I saved them for later to read and reminisce with my sweetie-pie.

After quiche, salad, brownies, tea, cake and presents (they seriously went all out!) we drove back toward Kingston. Along the bluff that stands above the ferry landing at Apple Tree Cove is a spot called Quiet Place Park and it was until we got there. It is lush and green with the pungent aroma of deep wooded forest. We started talking about bears and cougars and managed to get ourselves all freaked out, but bravely soldiered on until the trail became dense and dropped off to a ravine leading to the waterfront. We had just enough time to do a healthy loop before we bid reluctant farewells and they left me to await the approaching ferry clutching my new treasures. I felt refreshed, renewed, and happy.

Leaping back to Wednesday morning (are you still with me?) I'd just finished moving the furniture around in time for my carpet cleaner to do his magic. Apu is great in making the appointments, but he's not as handy doing the heavy lifting anymore. We managed though and I had a little time before the first round of doctor appointments began. My other sister-friend from yet another mother (Betsy) was having a small party of her own - a work party! Cleaning out and paring down is something that I aspire to and I wanted to participate if only in a small way. There is something freeing in emptying shelves and closets and what makes it more fun than a gaggle of friends with big mugs of coffee? 

I almost forgot the time in the frivolity of it all, but like Cinderella racing for her pumpkin I jumped in my buggy and made it home in time to help lace up my sweet toads shoes and throw him in the front seat for his 11:30 appointment. We were both a bit nervous to hear the verdict, but not knowing is worse. He has a herniated disc in his lumbar-sacral spine; $#it!! It's made all the more depressing by the fact of his debilitated state and the options available to him. We're taking it conservatively with oral steroid paks, anti-inflammatory meds, rest, and hard boards under the mattress that creep over to my side. He may require more drastic measures but one step at a time. We had an hour before the next appointment down the block so I got the raciest wheelchair I could find (electric blue) and pushed him across the parking lot to the hospital and we had hamburgers and fries in the cafeteria (my walk of the day consisted of four trips across the hospital campus). If you're going to go down the tubes you might as well drown your sorrows in as much grease and fat as possible. 

We still had a little time to kill and I got an idea for a little pick-me-up for my fella. He was an anesthesiologist in this very hospital for nearly 25 yrs and although many of the old guard are gone there are still several of the staff that remember him and love him. I pushed his chair to the elevator and pressed the "S" floor for surgery and wheeled him into the operating room foyer. Before long he was surrounded by his old crew and they were hugging him and fussing all over - he was so glad. It was the best medicine he's had in a long while. They made him promise to return soon.

We needed that buoyant moment for in the next hour he would be poked and prodded, but in a most gentle way by the nurses in the wound clinic. His left great toe continues to look angry and is healing (in the words of my eloquent spouse) at the pace of an encroaching glacier. I know the nurses are worried about his anemia and poor circulation in his legs. The coolness of that toe and the dark color are foreboding and no one wants to form the horrid word that we are all fearing. We can't speak it...it can not be an option - he's lost so much already. So he tries to appear strong and brave and I just look worried and pray. What else can we do but live each day, every moment, our allotted slice of life and prove once again to each other that we, in fact, do have what it takes to face each new day. 

 

365 Walks-Day 109/Life's Dance

Another walk notch on my belt even though it wasn’t anything ultra special – just a schlepp down my road. I say that in full recognition that every walk is unique and I always feel better during and after. My buddy Rufus was keeping me company after a long funky day. I’m learning to take my cues from him. He’s such a happy dog; just wants to share his love – no worries.

I’m not sure what’s the matter with me I just felt off today. When I woke this morning I had this unusual jittery feeling like I drank too much coffee (in my sleep no less). I had some screwy dreams, the kind that you can’t really remember but you know they were nutso. Beyoncé was there singing that song, you know the one that you are listening to right now. I had it stuck in my head all day and the weird thing is I don’t remember having listened to it recently. So there I am trying to lift my allergy-clogged brain out of a restless sleep, battling the last of my dream demons with small jolts of electricity running through my nervous system while hum-m-ming “oh-h oh oh oh, If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it…”

That’s just how the day started. I think you know me well enough by now to be certain that I tried to put a positive spin on everything – not let things get too far out of whack, but it was an uphill battle. Nothing too serious, just stuff, only life – Monday. If I could just get a leg hold on a few things I think I might just be able to heft myself up and over the edge – into the light. I have a full day tomorrow, but I’m going to start it out the best way I can. I’m planning on getting to bed early (well, sort of), wake up without Beyoncé (that saucy minx) stuck in my head, eat a healthy breakfast and get my walk in as early as I can. I’m also going to say this prayer that I found tucked safely in a file waiting for me to discover it again:

Dancing with God

When I meditated on the word Guidance,
I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word.
I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.
When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.
The movement doesn't flow with the music,
and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.
When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead,
both bodies begin to flow with the music.
One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back
or by pressing Lightly in one direction or another.
It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.
The dance takes surrender, willingness,
and attentiveness from one person
and gentle guidance and skill from the other.

My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.
When I saw "G: I thought of God, followed by "u" and "i".
"God, "u" and "i" dance."
God, you, and I dance.
As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust
that I would get guidance about my life.
Once again, I became willing to let God lead.
My prayer for you today is that God's blessings
and mercies be upon you on this day and everyday.
May you abide in God as God abides in you.
Dance together with God, trusting God to lead
and to guide you through each season of your life.

 I hope you dance – might as well be to “Single Ladies” cause it’s going to be stuck in your head all day…. (or maybe in your dreams).

365 Walks-Day 107/My Intentions are Good

Whenever I get lazy and think I’d rather not go out for a walk I think of my youngest who is doing her 365 runs. I throw a skip or two in there to mix it up, but it’s a far cry from a sprint. She is younger, I keep reminding myself – a LOT younger.

I manage to fit my walk in each day, now I just have to get myself to take advantage of the best part of the day. Today is a perfect example. There was definitely a break in the weather that would have been the perfect time to grab the dogs and go, but I procrastinated until I got caught in a downpour. It’s not a big deal; I like walking in the rain (and pina coladas – sounds like a single’s ad) but in a light jacket, I was unprepared. Instead of heading to the beach as planned I opted for town again where I could take cover under trees, awnings, or roof overhangs.

It’s amazing the new discoveries I find each time I explore my own little town. I’m shocked to see how many empty shops and buildings there are. Some of them are huge spaces and new; I wonder if they will ever be filled. If they ever are, where the heck will everyone park? Do you think these things are really ever planned ahead? It’s all kind of unsettling, I mean is anyone really in charge? When you see it occur in a small place like where I live it’s not much of a leap to think how the whole damn country could fall apart. It’s worrisome, right?

I can’t even plan ahead enough to get outside to walk prepared for rain when every sign points to it. It’s just easier to fret, complain and fly by the seat of my pants.

 I know can’t stop all the woes in our country or even make much of a difference in my own town, but I think I can take care of my family, support my friends, maybe clean up my own damn mess – and perhaps learn to pack an umbrella. It’s a place to start.