Today is my birthday. It was a wonderful day....and then I came home.
I still love celebrating my life, I hope I always will. I do have many stories to tell, it's just that my best audience is no longer here. I tell him anyway. He knows most of the ones that got me to this place anyway.
It's been a difficult year - you don't want to know....but you already do because I've told you over and over. Are you tired of it yet? I am. I felt a shift last night, or I thought I did - maybe I just sighed in my sleep. When I woke up my phone was ringing (thank you Betsy, you were the first) then Scout was licking my face. The sun was shining - how welcome it was.
Milestones - measurements - ticks of the clock. It's ours to choose or lose. I say yes! Bring it on, knock me down, blow me sideways - I still have a few mountains to climb, an ocean or two left to cross. As the song says, "all of these lines across my face tell you the story of who I am.... and how I got to where I am" so I say 'happy birthday to me' my story isn't done - not by a long shot. Hard as this year has been I am working on that new attitude, remember, three steps forward - two back. I'm making progress, slow as it may be, but inching on ahead none-the-less.
I'm feeling the weight of all of the burdens Apu carried in addition to his illnesses. How he managed I'll never know. I didn't thank him enough - how could I, I didn't know. I'm learning, but it's so hard without him. He was he smart one. I'm sure he's smiling down thinking, "finally - some credit". But today was my birthday and I enjoyed every moment - I knew I would...I'd made up my mind. I want to thank everyone for the lovely wishes, calls, cards - everything. Sometimes I feel alone, but I know that I'm not.
A 'smile is on my mouth'!
....and in my little heart with my Gypsy posse on my birthday trip to Whidbey Is. (Thank you familia)
ps-I wrote for two hours last week and lost the damn post in cyber space....if you find it please let me know...sigh.
I'm full on burying myself in my student final evaluation phase of the quarter. Normally this is a great time for creative procrastination, but I'm not very inspired these days. Just can't seem to shake my gloom. I'm successful for about 10 minutes at a time and I'm working on extending these stretches, but it takes so much mental work that it's just exhausting. I'll get there - not worried, just tired. Send sun p-l-e-a-s-e. Actually, I'll be Cali bound here in a few weeks. I am SO ready.
It's just a day, I know that- but it's a good excuse. Why not tout your love - commercial as it may be. I always loved getting roses. He gave me roses.
I've been writing this cyber-rag for over a couple of years now - imagine. The time has flown...my. I was looking over the past couple of Valentine's days and I realize that I didn't even spend the last one we had together. I was in California with my oldest making out with the sun. Now that's a kiss to bask in. It was never the big things...never has been with me. Did I say he gave me roses?
Today I was a little sick....a little tired. I just wanted to stay in bed, but then I've fought that all along - no sense in pulling the covers over now. Besides Scout won't stand for it - literally. So it was to the beach blustery and wet - chilled to the bone kind of wet. A dear friend met me there and as they do, she brought me out of myself. When you care about others that's how it's done. Her German Shepherd ran with Scout - chased I should say. Scout loved it. Ran like she never had a ACL scare - thank the Lord for that. We all had a lovely, revived, exhilarating romp - odd little valentines.
I returned home to my walls, sighed my sighs and coached myself through my day. Twice Scout barked the bark of home invasion and by the time I made it to the door I found to my delight a valentine - flowers, balloon, candy. My pretend grandchildren thought of me...and my sister - I love you guys, thank you so much for loving me. I love you right back. Oh....and my children - they have valentines....real ones and I am so happy for that. I believe in love and what ever reminds us of how special it is to be loved on any and every level - well isn't that what life is all about? I had a love that most people never experience and I'm so grateful for that. Yes, I miss it...miss him, but I've known how that feels - lived it for a very long time. That will last me forever. Happy Valentine's Day Everyone. I hope you told someone that you love them, if not - how about tomorrow? ...and the next day. One more thing - my children? They gave me roses.
Howdy there~ (That there way of talkin' is kinda infectious). I've missed you and feel a little guilty for my absence - not that you've noticed. We've all been a little busy these past few weeks haven't we. Truth is these holidays left me feeling like I've had a swift whack to the back of my knees with a bamboo cane. Even though I felt mostly in charge and tried to keep things in check - they just sort of leveled me. Maybe it's year two of my solo journey, maybe it's this time of year, perhaps it's my own apathy - I really don't know. I just want to do a quick check even though my heart isn't in it. No reflection on you - it's me. I'm feeling just a bit heavy-hearted but not full blown depression. I'm ok.
As emotional as it all was, Christmas was truly wonderful with our grown children all around me snuggled in our mountain retreat. We headed up a couple of days before, trimmed a "Charley Brown" Christmas tree with strings of popcorn and cranberries. We were all virtually "unplugged" and spent our time cooking, baking, reading, listening to Christmas music, and just being together. In spite of the forecast it snowed on Christmas day just as the kids predicted. They were convinced that Apu would arrange it. It was truly magical.
Grabbed a tree on the way up (a story in itself!) Our cabin Christmas
Traditions remain~ Owl PJ's in force! (another story...sheez)
Christmas surprise! Mikey came for a visit!!! (Scout was SO happy)
Our girls had to head south to their homes in California before the new year, but I found myself back up in the mountains to celebrate New Year's Eve with a couple of my siblings and a nephew. A foot of snow had fallen during the week-glorious! It was nice - laid back, just the way I prefer to begin the new year. Even in the best of times I've been nostalgic at auld lang syne (translated "old long since") - while most things do, some things never change.
So, the road's been a little rough lately, but I keep it all in perspective - I'm fine, the gang is great (a few heart breaks here and there) and relatively speaking things could be a whole hell-of-a-lot worse - I am well aware of that. I'm back at work and all manner of craziness is already in play, so I don't have much time to wallow. As I said, I've missed you and promise to harass you more frequently - I think my weary soul needs it. Happy New Year to all and may your travels be light and breezy, at least try to avoid hitting "the hard rock" and .....try to stay out of jail.
I just returned from a concert in a surrounding much like this, with family and friends, and with a similar atmosphere. It was a "Celtic Christmas" and it was beautiful and peaceful - just what I needed.
I read my post from a year ago just about this date - It was a pretty sad period. It's still difficult, of course, especially late at night alone in a near empty supermarket listening to the commercial Christmas music wafting to no one in particular ...but I've turned a corner of sorts...I think - well that's how I feel today anyway.
I've learned to follow my heart a little better. In Joan Didion's book that I've mentioned lately, "The Year of Magical Thinking", she refers to the plethora of "how to guides" to deal with the pain of grieving. Somehow I've managed to avoid some of the pitfalls like "Don't drink too much. Don't spend the insurance money redecorating. Don't join a support group". I've learned to 'look' like I'm holding up pretty well and appear like I'm accepting my reality. Remembering to breathe has been a large part of this success. I think I'm managing to do this more naturally, more often now.
This holiday season is a real test and I've tried to pay attention to myself - how I feel, what seems like a good idea and what to avoid. So far I've been fairly successful. I finished what I needed to effectively conclude fall quarter at school. I attended the faculty holiday party held at one of my favorite colleague's house - and shocker...I had fun. I've had a few other social options and with careful selection and planning have enjoyed each one I chose to attend. I limited my time and involvement...letting it flow naturally. I discovered that, in this way, I was actually mentally and emotionally present. I tire easily and don't bounce back as quickly - pacing myself is crucial.
My Christmas shopping has been controlled and contained - much less than in the past. I've completed a few projects, but not anything I knew I couldn't accomplish in the allotted time. I made the decision to greatly curb my card writing and in fact have not sent one yet. My plan is to email a greeting to most and those I don't see often I'll write a note....or not - maybe before Christmas, maybe after. I hung lights outside knowing that Apu would approve and that gave me pleasure - I even put up a small tree like the last one we last selected together. It delights me and that feels nice. I had my first party since my husband died - nothing big, just a few of my girl friends over for wine and some appetizers. I kept it simple and enjoyed time with each person who stopped by.
Yes, I think things are looking up - as in "to the heavens". I ask for help constantly. I pray for courage, wisdom, knowledge, and patience. I speak to my honey often - sometimes out loud. "How are you doing sweetie? How do you think I'm handling things? Sometimes I feel you urging me along...sometimes I feel so all alone, but I know you so well. I know what you'd want for me - for our family. We're trying - we really are. Sometimes like tonight in that quiet, candle-lit chapel filled with music of the angels I miss you more than ever, but I don't think that will ever change." I think maybe I'll just get better at accepting that fact - but then it just may depend on the day.
Here's a re-post of one of our Christmas favorites. Holding very tight to memories while riding in the midnight blue. Wishing all of you the magic of this beautiful Season~
I'd like to dedicate this post to my brother Ken - I love you, Kenneth.
Yesterday was my little brother's birthday and I was lucky enough to spend it with him and his favorite kid, Kendall (his only one). Gee - wonder how he thought of that name?
I grabbed Scout and jumped on a ferry to the Kitsap Peninsula to meet them after a morning of soccer games with my fake grand kids (thanks for sharing, Betsy). We didn't have a formal plan, but I wanted to surprise Ken with something a little special so I looked up the Bremerton Community Theater and found that one of my all time favorites was being performed, "Fiddler On The Roof!" We took our pups for a walk on a local trail and while strolling he quipped, "You know, what I'd really like to do is go to a play." I came back with, "SHUT-UP! That's what I've planned for us!" We both love to go to movies and that is a common outing for us, so it was quite funny that we both had the same idea.
The ticket office is only open M-F so I wasn't sure if they'd still have seats available. We went to dinner at a Korean restaurant and then we showed up 40 minutes early to see if we could get tickets. Ken said, "Hey I'll give you $5 if you'll go get tickets by singing your request to a Fiddler tune." Like that was any kind of a real challenge. Kendall being an easily embarrassed ninth grader secretly wished I hadn't heard him. I approached the little window singing to the tune of "If I Were A Rich Man" (click to hear). Mine went: "Do you have some tickets? - yabba dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum. I need three for my brother, niece and me - could you pleaaaseee sellll meee some?" That's as far as I got before we all burst out laughing, including the ticket salesman. I never got my five bucks.
I love all three of my brothers, but I adore my brother Ken. He makes me laugh even when neither of us has one damn thing to laugh about. If I see an email from him I'll open it immediately because I know it will lift me up. I hope I do the same for him. I'm not as funny, I know, but I always laugh at all and anything he says so that has to be worth something. He, like many in my family have had a rough year. His profession relies largely on the housing industry and we all know how that's been going lately. It seems he's had one crisis after the other but he always battles his way through. He does it for Kendall, I know, but we also help each other. He's my little brother - I'm eight years older, but I lean on him too. I'm lucky to have him as my friend.
This musical was perfect for us, on this day, given all we've been through lately. His daughter asked us "What the title of the musical meant? What did the fiddler have to do with anything?" So I asked her if she remembered the opening scene where the fiddler sat precariously on top of the roof of the house and Tevye tells us that "everyone of us is like a fiddler on the roof - trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking his neck." One might ask, why stay up there if it's so dangerous? He goes on to explain that we stay because it's what we know....it's our home, and we go on trying to live while keeping our balance. Then says...we may ask "how we keep that balance?" One word - Tradition! Without our traditions he says, "our life would be as shaky as a fiddler on the roof."
I love tradition - God help me. I'm sure it's making this loss of my life partner so difficult - we had such traditions. I'm sure it helped return our children to us from every, far foreign corner they explored. Apu is such a part of this Fiddler on the Roof story. Though he wasn't Jewish his upbringing and life experience is from this part of the world. The music is definitely a part of it. The song "Sunrise, Sunset" was the only live music at our wedding all those many years ago (see old post).
When our oldest daughter was preparing to marry, our Northwest family and friends from both sides gathered for a "couples" wedding shower. It was just a big party and It was wonderful to have so many people that we loved all together to celebrate that happy time. Apu and I wanted to do something special - a surprise for our daughter and her fiance. I had a wild idea and never dreamed Apu would go for it. "Let's perform 'Do You Love Me?' from Fiddler on the Roof!!" I reminded him of the scene and assured him it would be easy and fun and we'd be GREAT! "How bad could it be", I reminded him - "we'll be among friends and family. It's not like there'll be any critics in the crowd." He said "Vell....okay" and so - that's what we did. We didn't tell a soul....then we rehearsed, rehearsed, and rehearsed till we got it down. The night of the party the mother of the groom-to-be made a little toast and while I prepared to make mine, Apu sneaked in another room to get ready. I then told the couple that there were two visitors who had a message of love to share with them and they had just arrived in person to deliver it. I went to get them and Apu and I returned in costume and performed the scene below:
Didn't exactly sound like this, but we tried!
It went over pretty well - we got some laughs, and a few tears too. I don't know- maybe we were that bad. We had fun and I was so proud of him - He WAS Tevye.
It was a wonderful day with my brother and his beautiful daughter. I was reminded once again that I am truly not alone - not really although late at night and early in the morning it sure feels like it. We were both happy to spend the time together, enjoy a wonderful, quality performance (we were so pleasantly surprised) and also to be reminded that it is possible to find balance no matter how precarious things can get-shaky rooves and all. I have your back, my precious, courageous brother. Thanks for having mine.
I'm just going to plunge in here....I have no idea where in the heck I'm going with this. Maybe if I just start rambling something will come.
I must have had some kind of idea to begin with that title and this video. I only know that I'm struggling a bit these days...maybe more than a bit. I made it through August and survived my first year of tremendous loss and then September hurried up to greet me and by the time I'd lost a little momentum October just sorta slammed into me. I'm not quite sure what's going on. I think I'm too tired to figure it all out.
Besides the "Post-Kona Blues" (an actual malady, by the way) there are a few things happening around me besides my own little pity party. One of my dearest friends is enduring the trauma/drama of her first grandchild being born at just 24 weeks - that's skipping the entire third trimester (not even completing the second one). Little Benson is fighting hard and it's a miracle that he's still hanging in there. We call him our littlest ironman, but the toll on the family is tremendous. Two of my brothers have had serious health scares in the last few weeks and my third one has worked so hard to hold his world together after facing several crises. One cousin has a serious health concern and another's husband is in the care of Hospice living out his final days. Life is damn difficult and don't I know it. We work so hard; we try our darnedest and in the end....is that all there is?
A few months ago I promised my friend Pat that I would attend the "Women of Faith" event that was held in Seattle last weekend. Truthfully, I didn't even know what it was, having never heard of this organization before, and was a somewhat skeptical after learning that this year's theme was "Over The Top". Even though I tend to be a bit private about my faith (except for this blog and close friends and family) I love and trust Pat and decided to commit to this for her sake. Once I'd done that my attitude, as usual, is "what the heck" just be open - how "over the top" can it be?
This is an experience that I think is best described in this video, for any who might be interested and curious (Women of Faith). It was "over the top" but in a good way, not in an uncomfortable, Bible-thumping, turn-you-off sort of way. Just like the they say on the video, I laughed, I cried, I sang (in my own little way) and I laughed again. No one rolled in the aisles, (not on purpose anyway) no one spoke in tongues (you know what I mean) and I never once was asked to come on stage to "save" myself. It was truly a celebration and that, interestingly enough, is the theme for next year's event. I'd love to get my girls to go...but we'll see. Everything has it's time, I've discovered.
I had many favorite moments and I absorbed from the event that which spoke just to me - of course, but one stood out in particular. A woman named Marilyn Meberg took the mike and I wasn't immediately charmed by her like I was the others. She is a bit formidable looking at first, rather straight-lace and serious - not immediately charismatic like the others. I didn't know of her nor had I read anything about her (or the others for that matter) prior to attending. As I said, I was fitting this little sojourn in to accommodate my dear friend and I didn't think it would hurt too much. What? It's as good a reason to go as any...plus much less painful than telling Pat "no". I was pleasantly surprised by this woman's wry sense of humor, quick wit and unquestionable intelligence. While the others entertained, she had something to say. I didn't really connect with her until she spoke about losing her husband, Ken, after 29 years of marriage when he died of cancer. Here is a little sample of this amazing woman.
Turns out she's a Washington girl originally, became a licensed child therapist and now travels the world sharing faith and optimism. So there she is standing in the middle of Key Arena in Seattle begging the question, "Is that all there is?" She reminded all of us of Peggy Lee's lyrics and our tendency to be unsatisfied in most areas of our lives - seemingly always wanting more. It was easy imagining people that I know wanting bigger, nicer houses, a fancier car, better behaved children, or a more loving spouse. But where she really had me was when she said that all she really wanted was more time with her Ken. That one really hit home for me because above anything else I could want....I only wanted more time. And the beautiful part was when, at the end of her talk, she said, "There is more - a lot more, we just have to be patient and wait for it. I have that to look forward to - eternity with Ken Meberg."
I guess that doesn't work for everyone and I feel sad for them. I realize that I have a head start since I've had my whole life to work on my belief system, but I really do believe that rather than "The Cause" - "He is the answer." I have to work at it like everyone else, but in the center of me it feels so right. I'll just keep trucking along on my solo journey which seems so alone because my own personal leash (although I never thought of it like that) got dropped Big Time, but I also know that my connections are many and very strong. I just need to remind myself more often just how very blessed I am to have all those I love and who love me. With a little hope, a lot of prayer and a big leap of faith I think we'll discover that beyond the blue there's a whole lot more.
I'm still slugging away at clearing out my household and I'm nearing the 500 mark! I'm really under the gun now with company coming, getting ready for a garage sale (why did I think that would be such a good idea?) and I'll be back at work soon. Like many, it's how I work most efficiently except that now I'm into cupboards and closets and they are dangerous territories.
I found a packet of old love letters that I wrote to my, then to-be, husband while he was waiting for me to pack-up my Seattle digs and join him in our new home in Hawaii. It was such an exciting, romantic, and loving time and I relived precious moments in every line of each letter. I was a pathetic mess just half way through. I had to save the rest for today because I couldn't see anymore. I loved him deeply, madly, truly even then and I didn't mince words in letting him know. (I'm now searching for the ones he sent me because I KNOW I didn't throw those out!)
Ours was the stuff movies are made of or maybe just in my own mind - yes I'm sure that's it. I've probably told most of you this before, but never mind. He was a doctor completing his residency in anesthesiology and had daringly defected from a communist country just a few years before - leaving all he loved behind. I was six and a half years younger but had lived and traveled all over europe for over a year and immediately fell for this tall handsome, blue-eyed foreigner with the dreamy accent. He'd just ended a toxic, complicated relationship that included her gun-toting, crazy ex-husband and I had been dating a womanizing cardiac surgeon from Bombay, India (I warned you, I'm not making this up). We were both relationship weary.
I was a renal-dialysis nurse and my clinic was close to his hospital. Every Friday afternoon the surrounding medical professionals met in the lounge of a historic boutique hotel for 'Happy Hour'. As I've explained before, I walked in with a colleague that I had been casually dating and bumped into one of my dearest friends who was sitting at the table with a group of hospital people that included my one and only. All it took for me was his first sentence. It oozed of old world culture, history & mystery, and something very familiar - like I'd heard him whisper to me all of my life. I know, I know...hokey, but it's the truth. He for me?.....not so much.
As he later explained, it wasn't that he dismissed me immediately, but I had walked in with someone and his dance card was also quite full. He may have had no long-term aspirations, but he was, in fact, a wild and crazy guy from Czechoslovakia. (refer to SNL) As you may already know, well-intentioned friends offered to "fix" us up, but I was leary of them meddling and figured I could screw this up all by myself. I almost missed my moment, but then I bumped into him (almost literally) in an elevator in the concert hall at a Carlos Montoya performance - he was with a redhead. I wrote "the" letter the next day. I addressed it to him c/o the name of his apartment building "somewhere on the 4th floor (I think)" is exactly how I wrote it. After dealing my hand I told him that if he wasn't interested not to worry about my pride because I'd just assume the letter never found him. I did not give him my phone number, only my place of work - couldn't make it too easy. He called me the next night. I almost peed my pants! Months later he confessed that he called me because his younger brother, who was visiting from Europe when my letter arrived, told him to either call me or HE would! I discovered THAT letter last night! The one that started it all, the three little pages that changed our lives - that created a family. How amazing is that?
Also in the stack was the note that was attached to the Christmas tree that I left for him in his apartment foyer one month later. It read:
Dear Dr.
Please take me - I'm yours. Keep me warm- Give me H20 for my thirst Love me & sing to me & look at me, But don't dress me Until that lady that got me for you can come and help- Promise.
Your ever loving & faithful, Christmas Tree
ps - You must only think lovely thoughts when you are near me!
He told me that was when he knew he loved me. I think it was pretty cheesy, but whatever - it worked!
Well, it was quite a whirlwind. In February he completed his residency and asked me to marry him. By March he'd accepted his first position in Honolulu and we packed him up and moved him there. I returned to Seattle to quit my job, pack my humble abode and ship all we owned including my car to Hawaii. I wrote to him every day for a month and during that time we learned a lot about each other. They are heartfelt, beautiful letters written by a young woman in love and I cherish each one. I feel sorry for many young couples of today who communicate only by texting and emails that will be lost. I cried, yes - buckets, but I'm so happy to have them, to remember in vivid detail that magical time. I'll get through this, I know I will. Sometimes lately I feel like I'm living too much in the past, but mostly because I'm so scared I'll lose those memories. I think I'll be able to move forward to a place that allows me to visit those precious times without needing to dwell there, but not yet...no, not for a while.
Professionals, friends, family, and written resources all have advice, thoughts and opinions of how long this process will take. I gave myself a year of "Widow Walks" but I only changed the title of my posts....not my state of mind. It's not that simple. I've had some really good days lately - happy, meeting friends and keeping busy, but I'm so much more into my head than I've been all year. Last August I was in such a state of shock - I really see that now. I suspected all along, I mean it's normal and to be expected, but while I wouldn't want to remain in that perpetual frame of mind it had it's comforts. People gave me a wide berth and expected me to be emotional, quiet, withdrawn, and moody. I could forget appointments, be late, have mental lapses and all other sorts of social maladies, but while I feel just as out of it I now am expected to behave like a responsible adult....and all I am is the one left behind who hasn't quite figured out what the girl who so purposefully wrote those loving letters all those years ago is supposed to do now.
A year has passed. Some changes need to be made, so today I got my hair cut short and bleached it blond, had my naval pierced, and tattooed, "I heart Apu" just above my left breast - just kidding. I did change my blog heading, however. As much as I despise the word - I am a widow, but I'm so much more. I haven't shed the shroud completely, but I'm making an effort to move forward. Apu would want that. There are many dark days ahead, of that I am certain, but I think with the grace of my creator God and a little help from my friends, I just might get through them.
In an effort to "start afresh" I did undertake a six day detox/cleanse. The timing probably wasn't the best since I was off all caffeine and solid food, it didn't improve my emotional state. I thought I had died. I can't imagine what withdrawals from heroin must be like, my Lord the pain was terrible. I made it, though, and feel proud that I stuck with it, but relieved to have survived. I'm stepping up my exercise program, as well. After taking Scout to get her next round of immunizations she got the official okay that it was safe to go to the doggie beach. I was more excited than she was - the effects of her shots left her a little out-of-it. Either that or she was embarrassed as I announced her to the other pooches as the "dog-beach virgin". Well she might as well get used to it.
After telling my friend that Scout had her lost her two front teeth and her lower ones were just coming in, she said, "We've got to get you a grandchild soon!" I'm just fine with my Scout - she's just the best little buddy I could have hoped for - full of piss and vinegar and cuter than a little stuffed Ewok. She slept on my bed the other night and at 6:30 in the morning she sleepily snuggled up to me, laid on her back in complete repose, then rolled over and licked my cheek. She promptly draped herself across my neck and fell back to sleep. I know Apu sent her to me - just in the nick of time.
I have no idea how this next phase of my life will play out, but I know it's all up to me. I can mope and weep and feel sorry for myself or I can engage and embrace this amazing life. I am certain that some days will be easier than others, but I have enough goals and projects to keep me busy for a while. Our children aren't letting any moss grow in dank, dark places so I better damn well keep the pace or they'll leave me behind.
And what is it to cease breathing but to free the breath from its restless tides, that may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
The veil that clouds your eyes shall be lifed by the hand that wove it.
And the clay that fills your ears shall be peirced by those fingers that kneaded it
And you shall see And you shall hear For in that day you shall know the hidden purposes in all things~
Dry your tears, raise your heads as flowers hold up their stems at the coming of the dawn.
Hold your breath, and listen with me for a moment to the rustle of white wings.
Bury me among lilies and jasmine. Do not weep for me but sing a song of youth and joy
Do not disturb the peace of the ether with funeral orations but let your heart sing praises with me for the afterlife and for eternity.
Do not wear black at my funeral, but white, as at a betrothal.
Do not speak of my departure with tears in your voices rather, close your eyes and you will see me among you today and tomorrow.
With soft steps take me to a verdant cradle in the distant countryside. Cover me, with handfuls of earth and with iris, jasmine and wild rose seeds.
They will germinate on my grave and breathe in the elements of my body. and so they will grow, wafting through the air my heart's perfume, and showing to the sun the secrets of my hands; and they will bend with the breeze, recalling to the passer-by my dreams and inclinations of bygone days...
Here I am at the top of a mountain, my spirit drifting through the space of freedom... I am far away I hear only the hyms of eternity accompanying my spirit's journey~
We shall see each other again and we shall drink the morning dew from the cups of the narcissus flowers~ -Kahlil Gibran-
I can't stop crying - I miss him so much. I don't even know what to say. What can I say? I just miss you, dear Apu.
For one whole year I haven't seen, heard, or touched the person I spent nearly everyday with for almost 38yrs. How can this loss, this pain, this internal ache be natural? It feels so alien, so wrong. I read the posts on the other websites and I know I'm not special or unique. I know I'm among so many who have lost loved ones - some with loss beyond comprehension, but it doesn't help, not one bit. I feel empathy for them, even a certain kinship. We have experienced somewhat similar emotions at varying stages along this past year. Processing this shared grief has comforted me somewhat - at least I know I'm not alone.
A year ago, today, part of me died too. I try not to be too melodramatic, but then why not? It's how I feel. I'm sure this past month has been building from July 14th, our anniversary, in preparation for today. Why, I ask, is it so much more acute today than two months ago? - or is my memory just that hazy. It well could be that. I try to remember so much of this last year and it's just such a blur. How did I get through it? ....and then I get the emails, the texts, the phone calls, the cards (and the owl earrings taped to my door - thank you Nancy) from so many of you wonderful, lovely, big-hearted people - and then I remember how I managed.
I'm so nostalgic that I can hardly breathe. All the little things: expressions, the lift of an eyebrow, the hearty laugh, his delightfully butchered english colloquialisms, his huge hands, his collection of suspenders, how dangerous he was with tools, just the sound of his voice, holding hands during a concert - AND of course the big things, I'm sure they are obvious: The excitement of our meeting and courting (it was so romantic), our three amazing children, the way he loved me, all the incredible things I learned from him....well, there is no end to either list. Sometimes I look into my mirror and wonder if I'll ever recognize that person again - or worse, afraid that I won't care.
In all of this I am relieved that I know where he is and that I'm not worried about him anymore. I've worried enough for three lifetimes and I can honestly admit that I find some relief in knowing I don't have to for him, at least (I have a few others to fret over, but that's another post). He suffered so very much during our time together. In past posts I've mentioned some of his trials and just rereading the year of posts leading up to his death I am amazed, again, at his endurance - both of ours really. And that was just his last year. He managed a life of chronic cardiac-related illness and all the complications that accompany it with such strength and dignity which holds those of us he left behind with great pride and admiration. He was quite a man, as I've said many times, and there's not another one like him. How did I get so lucky?
I spent the weekend with our son and daughter-in-love at our cabin where we feel the closest to Apu. A dear friend stopped in and great neighbors shared fond memories. It was a quiet, restful time with frequent check-ins from the girls down Cali-way. Wish we could've all been together, but this is about moving forward and carrying on with our lives as best we can and that's what we're trying to do one baby step at a time - sometimes three steps forward and two back.
We are fortunate to have so many rich memories, and that is something we all cling to. So many things bring him to mind several times a day, but nothing can cut through me like the music, always the music - well, and the food, ok, a few other things....
This piece, Ederlezi-Djurdjevdan, is from the movie, "The Time of Gypsies". It always made him cry, and me too - especially now. Thank you all for being on this journey with me. I know I can't walk it without you. Sometimes, even knowing you are there, I'm a little shaky, but it's ok - I'll be fine. I'm getting there. I'll leave you with Apu's own words and, of course, the music.
"Not remembering anything, but the taste, the feeling, the joy, the horror, the horrid monstranceness of it, the greatness of life, smell, sounds, taste. To hell with numbers and dates." -Apu (date unknown)
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