I woke up with a headache this morning. I don't get them often but this one almost made me miss mass. I hustled at the last moment because I knew that staying home would just make me feel worse. As I peeked out the window my heart ached almost as much as my head - nothing quite as dismal as a downpour and lumps of dirty, nearly melted snow. Have I totally depressed you yet?
Don't worry, things got better. It was good that I didn't remain home and wallow. Mass is always good for me and being among people at mass even better, for the most part. Fr. Petosa was an inspiration, as always when he serves mass - a good homily never hurts. A knowing eye from my bff, Betsy, (can't hide a damn thing from her) and hugs from my pretend grand-kids were greatly appreciated, as well. Betsy and I sipped our Sunday cup of java following mass - I treasure our time together more than she'll ever know, but....I still had that nagging headache.
Scout was waiting for me in her trusting, loyal way and I took her for the walk I'd promised her prior to my departure. It would take more than heavy, cold rain for me to break my word - she is so good for me, as you all have learned. The air felt good and fresh as I breathed in the sweet aroma of pine and cedar and all things outdoors. I started thinking as we walked. If it weren't for her I'd be indoors, feeling blue, and nursing a throbbing cranium.
A kernel of an idea began to form. I reflected on the many positive responses I got from my recent blog about my walk with Scout in the snow. I was almost embarrassed to write about it for fear I'd come off sounding like an aging widow with all the pathetic cliches, but I heard from all sorts of people. Maybe they were just happy that I wasn't moping about my grief-speckled existence. As I wrote that piece I was reflecting on the "little old ladies" I pass in the early morning, walking their dogs and those that I've met at the dog beach hovering over their beloved pooches. Part of me watched these scenes separating myself with distinction: "Well, I'm not THAT old", or "I actually HAVE a life"...etc, etc. But the fact is those women are engaging in life. They aren't sitting at home on the sofa watching reruns of "Murder She Wrote" (well not all the time anyway), they are out WALKING and LIVING and well....LOVING. Those are good and healthy activities. They would probably read a blog about that. It was then that I realized my headache was gone.
So folks, I'm thinking about writing a new blog. Not instead of this one, but adjacent to it. I'd keep it separate because, let's face it, not everyone is a dog person, or if they are their lives might be so full that their animal actually knows that s/he is really a dog...you know, not a....person. Ok, I said it. I'm thinking that this blog would appeal to a special sort of individual and who knows, I might even generate advertising from it. I must thank my friend and mentor, Nathalie of Nathalies Notes, who constantly inspires me. She writes a blog about "writing in the margins" of her life as a wife, mother, and professional writer. She has her ups and downs along this bumpy road of life and inspires herself every day to seek a new angle. So, that's what I must do - inspire myself. It's no one else's job but mine.
I'm stealing a quote from my wise, oldest daughter (to distinguish from my wise, youngest one) who tweeted today, "What other creature lives this life all the while railing against it...?" I don't know it's origin but could easily write a whole post on it alone. So I'm not asking your opinion on the idea of the blog, because it's my responsibility to try and fulfill my life the best I can in the most meaningful ways I can. And while some well intentioned (joking to a degree...and I took them that way) people commented how "maybe I need a grandchild", I realize that while that could be nice - it's not up to me (thank God). My little Scout is a big part of my life right now and I think this will be fun. What I want to know is - what shall I name it?
Let me know your thoughts: Some of my quick ideas are "Scout's Travels" "Adventure's With Scout", "Rescued" (as in me, not her), "Puppy Love", "Apu's Gift", "Scout: Cock-eye ears and a lick in the eye", "Exploring with Scout" & "My Gal Scout". Well that's all I have time for right now because said mutt is letting me know she's hungry and bored. I'm open for original ideas as well so feel free to brain storm. I also have some ideas to uplift my "Walking Solo" - more later.
Bath time after the down pour
It's all about engaging in life, living, and loving - moving forward. We each have to find those things that lift us up and keep our head and hearts in the game. Trying to rail a little less and explore the potential.
".....I was far too old and too big for such childish things, and the sooner I learned to hold in, the better off eveybody would be. I soon forgot...." Scout from "To Kill a Mockingbird."
Wow! Big day, I just uploaded and posted my first you-tube video. Mercifully, it's private (except for you of course) so the whole bloody world doesn't have to sit through all 29 seconds of it. I figured you've already signed up for the ride so how bad can it hurt to watch my beloved pooch trudge through the new fallen snow? We had a long, beautiful, exhilarating walk and we both loved every second of it.
Okay, I'm not even going to apologize for how obsessed I've become with my buddy Scout - it's scary how much I love her. There have just been too many studies done on the positive effect pets have on people in need. Dogs are the one animal that I've known to be officially allowed in to hospitals to visit the patients (that's not to mention all the varieties that have been smuggled in). In long-term care facilities, I've witnessed, residents respond to pets in ways rarely seen in their human interactions so, no, I'm not going to try to defend myself. I just don't want to be labeled as "one of those" old ladies...., well you know what I mean. I guess it could be worse, I could be a hoarder with 11 cats. I'm not far off - a messy house with one spoiled puppy that can pretty much do what she wants - there....sigh...ok, I guess I am one of those.
I've made a deal with Scout though, she does have to learn how to behave just enough so that she is welcome to be around children and is safe, but I won't make her learn useless tricks or wear funny outfits for my entertainment. She has a couple of sweaters and one heck of a fancy coat for warmth and...well, I confess I made her try on Mikey's Christmas hat, but just for a second. I laughed until I nearly fell over - she wasn't too happy about it either. Sorry baby... lol, still laughing.
As you can see I'm in better spirits. That's just how it is these days - you've got to enjoy them when they come. You'd think the bitter cold and snow would have me isolated and on my knees - nope. I can't explain it but I was motivated to go out truckin' around the ice & snow in the jeep, playing in the back yard with Scout and taking long, brisk treks along the winter landscape. We were even the first ones to discover a downed power line and called it in. I waited with my hazard lights blinking and the policeman nearly patted me on the head when he showed up.
I've managed to get some school work done, the Christmas decorations put away, and a few odd chores caught up. I even paid some bills earlier than necessary. It may sound ridiculous, but these are small things that make me feel calmer inside - a little more settled. I have to take full advantage when the urge strikes. Maybe it's about control. If I can contain my surroundings in small ways it helps me cope better with so much of which I have no command - like, say, the weather. Yes my first week's schedule at the hospital with my brand new group of students has been totally trashed, but we are warm, cozy, and safe, dates have been adjusted, and the students got extra study time before their first big exam.
I have a few more projects to tackle before the week-end is out, but I took time today to indulge my furry bestie once more. Today is Scout's birthday - well as close as I can guess. Most of you may remember that I rescued her in July on what would have been my 38th wedding anniversary. As near as my vet could calculate, she was pronounced to be 6 months old. Never too proud to use a worthy cliche -"my how time flies!" Since that made January the one year mark and since Scout's previous owner was deceased leaving no information about her, I figured that among that individual, Apu, and my mother, who's birthday would have been today - Scout was chosen especially for me and January 20th would be a fine day for her birthday.
She loves me in a tail waggin', face lickin' (and I mean the whole face, nostrils and all - I know, yuck!) sleeping on my bed in the crook of my knee, neck nuzzlin' kind of way. It's complete and unconditional and I love her right back because, well she's helped to patch one little corner of a great big hole in my heart. I read a saying recently which, I am sure, is as commercial as they come, but I kinda like it...because it's true - "I want to be the kind of person that my dog thinks I am". I have a way to go, but I'm working on it~
Thank you to Betsy, Piper & Nate for helping celebrate Scout's 1st Birthday!
Ugh- new puppy! I got the heading of this post done yesterday and that was it. It's like having a newborn again. I'm either holding her, feeding her, taking her out to do her "business" or picking up that "business" that we didn't quite get out to do in time. She's worth every minute, I'm just adjusting. I better get her schedule down before I start teaching again. That will be another challenge.
I want to complete this last part of the family road trip so I can get on to other things. I wasn't home too long from this one before I took off on yet ANOTHER damn road trip, taking our youngest back to California - but that's a future post. Let me see....where did I leave off....?
...oh yeah - race day. I think I had mentioned that the day of the half ironman was also my daughter-in-love, MJ's, birthday. This is a young lady that likes celebrations (who doesn't) and LOVES presents (ditto) but I mean like an 8 year old. She really didn't get to have many parties while growing up in her native Romania so it is a joy to see her happiness over a lighted birthday cake (smuggled in from Dallas by her sisters-in-loves and a gift of a winter coat from her husband that he INSISTED I haul all the way from Seattle. There was a bit of hysteria seeing her model an insulated hooded parka in 110 degrees! Our son/brother/husband may have pulled off all of the athletic triumphs on June 26th but this was clearly her day.
It had been a full and exhausting day - more physical for some and emotional for others. We retreated to our home on wheels and noticed that the air-conditioning didn't seem to be working, not a welcome discovery after our triple digit weather. In our ignorance we began flipping switches and turning dials with the result of a high-pitched alarm that would not be quieted. Out came the manual but to our dismay each attempt at disquieting this sound pollution ended in failure. We were certain we'd all perish from carbon monoxide poisoning or some such fate. Our oldest, the captain of the ship, broke the news that the RV battery was, in fact, dead as the proverbial doornail. We were supposed to run the engine for several minutes once a day and in our excitement of all the events we forgot. Since we were set to leave this lovely part of Texas at the crack of dawn (ok, in the morning) we were dismayed at our predicament as all sorts of AAA scenarios played out in our heads. We were just too tired and hot to think about it -auxiliary-battery lights out~
Somewhere deep in my sweaty dreams I must have had a vision of packing my emergency road kit in the rental car. While the others slept - still with visions of triathlon routes, soaring temperatures, and birthday candles in their sweet little heads, I rose, donned my trucker hat and exotic nightwear and grabbed my trusty jumper-cables. I drove the rental SUV in front of the RV, made all of the proper introductions, hooked the positive to the positive and negative to the negative of each vehicle's battery - touching the "no-no" ends together only one memorable time (the 4th of July a little early -ha!). Started both engines up and by the time the sleep was out of the eyes of the rest of our crew we were purring like a kitten. Ah-h yes, sometimes you just got to get 'er done.
We traveled as a caravan since we had both vehicles and took turns riding and driving. Our oldest was the only designated driver for the RV, but she was up to the task and we tried to pace ourselves. We had an ambitious itinerary and first on our list was the Carlsbad Caverns National Park in New Mexico. If you've never visited this amazing place, I highly recommend it. It's located in the Guadalupe Mountains and two thirds of the park has been set aside as a wilderness area. A wild fire forced a sudden closing of the Caverns and surrounding park two weeks before we arrived but I couldn't help but think of this while descending the 750' to the caverns below in the small elevator. The look of panic on the face of my oldest expressed my feelings exactly as the door closed us in. If we could have bolted we would have, but I'm so glad we didn't because the natural limestone chambers we entered literally took our breath away. Once below the quiet, peace and serenity of the place put us all at ease - that and the sign that said, "this way to hike out".
My youngest and I did a record-paced tour as we left the others to drive to Roswell so she could catch her spaceship back to California. We wished we had enough time to visit the museum there and learn more about the "UFO incident" that was supposedly covered up by the US government. Whatever really took place, the area has benefited from all the interest and the community embraces the tourists interest in UFOs. The little local airport is so small that we passed it and I had to rely on "Margie" my gps bitch (don't tell her I called her that) to get us to the gate. It was difficult to say goodbye to Dr. daughter, but her stint as equine intern was up and she had packing and moving to do. Her next adventure....? Stay tuned...
The plan was for me to meet the rest of the motley crew at a place called Brantly Lake State Park. As I've mentioned before, it was no small feat to coordinate this caravan especially since we all added our travel requests and druthers to the mix. My son chose Brantly Lake and while it was definitely an oasis in the middle of desert it is fairly remote and especially desolate at this particular time because for some reason there wasn't a lick of running water in the entire park. There is the 4,000 acre (surface area) lake, but it was some distance from the campsite. It's a man made reservoir created when the Brantley Dam as built across the Pecos River in the 1980s. The temperature was soaring, no water and the group had to wait for me to return from the airport run to drive to the lake. I received several texts requesting jugs of water as the RV's reserves were low, ice, floaties for the lake....anything and everything cool...but "please hurry....we're dying here".
Margie took me on a bit of a scenic route and by the time I made it back to the camp there was an eery stillness about the place. I half expected to see buzzards circling. My arms were full of bags and as I fumbled to open the door my oldest daughter leaned her sweaty face over the top bunk and in the most desperate, weak voice pleaded, "h-h-e-l-p us!" I couldn't take another step....I began to laugh - she looked so pathetic, and she began to laugh... The more I laughed the weaker I became and I started to drop my packages, by then I was weeping I was laughing so hard and she was already in that silent hysteria stage. I knew I was in danger of losing all control and I prayed that I could just make it into the RV and run down the short hall to the claustrophobic bathroom. I hadn't made the first step when I heard a kindly male voice behind me announcing he was the park ranger here to check us in. What timing, I thought - well, that was it. Any attempt at suppression was completely lost and I was horrified! I was laughing so hard I couldn't speak, my legs were crossed twice and I was struggling with my bags and trying to back up into the RV. The official said, "Can I help you?" and all I could do was wheeze for breath and shake my head "no". I'm sure he thought I was drunk or drugged. I made it to the top of the two stairs, turned, wobbled to the back of the RV (by now my son is rousing from his stupor) and my daughter sees the back of my shorts and completely lost it. The park guy began backing away from the site and I don't think we ever saw him again. Oh Lord, but it was funny. I am laughing now -sigh~
We did make it to the lake and had a glorious swim. We survived the night without running water or taking a shower. Later we stopped at a dumping station and took mini-showers from the water hose there. We always appreciate the little things when we don't have them. Good lessons to remember....and then re-remember. We were off on our longest drive of the trip - ten hours to Sedona, Arizona. It was so worth it and even though our RV driver was completely delirious by the time we got there, we stayed at a great campsite, with all the fancy amenities, for two nights to reward her.
Sedona is a most beautiful place and I've always wanted to experience it. I know of Flagstaff which is not far away and remember even hearing of it snowing there which always surprised me since it is - well, Arizona. The area is often referred to as serene and even mystical. I imagined it as a perfect setting for a destination spa that would sooth both body and mind. I did get to stay at a place like that near Tucsan called Miraval, with my oldest, a few years ago. The environment so calming and healing. I felt like I could stay in Sedona for a very long time and explore the incredible Red Rocks, indulge in the local art and music scene and just soak up the atmosphere. But we had a date with the Grand Canyon that had been waiting for......a life time, and it just couldn't wait a second longer.
We all piled into the SUV and left the "Beast" behind. We each had our own Grand Canyon illusions and expectations but the anticipation was shared. I learned years ago to try to not envision what something that I've looked forward to for a very long time will be like. In my early 20s I finally made it to Rome after imagining what it would be like for most of my young life. I'm half Italian and it was my dream. I'll just simply say that I was disappointed. I'm certain that nothing could have lived up to the picture I had created. It was crowded, dirty, and I befriended a young woman who had just had all of her belongings stolen from in front of the Trevi Fountain. So now- I just let my heart and mind be free of expectations for this long awaited vista. I could build the drama and try to describe the approach to the south rim, but I have already tested your endurance greatly so suffice it to say that I was not prepared for the expanse and awe of this geologic phenomenon and natural wonder as it suddenly burst before us. I was stunned and immediately began to cry.
I felt Apu there - I can't explain it. My husband saw the Grand Canyon when he first came to the United States and we had always planned to go. I truly felt like we were there together. Back in February when I attended a women's faith-sharing retreat for the first time I became motivated to read the Bible. I've been trying to read it everyday since. I decided then that this was a year of so many "firsts" that I had no control over and that it was important for me to have a few that I chose. I'd never been to the Grand Canyon and I'd never read the Bible so I decided that this was my year to do both - read the Bible at the Grand Canyon. As I parked the car I was pleased and slightly appalled to see that there was a large section of the Canyon edge exposed to anyone who wished to approach it. Of course the first thing my son did on his bionic legs was to venture much too close for my comfort. I grabbed my Bible and left the group to sit away on my own and fulfill my promise - it was one of the most peaceful experiences I have ever known. I waited my whole life to see this wondrous place and I was not disappointed.
We left Sedona with the plan of driving through Las Vegas so my daughter-in-love (and my son, as it turns out) could see it for the first time. We had no intentions of staying but planned to continue on to Death Valley until my daughter remembered that when she rented the RV she had signed a waiver that the RV could not be taken to Death Valley (they won't service it there). I'm not sure why we even planned that leg of the trip except to say we'd survived it and it was on our way to Reno - our final destination for the RV. My oldest planned to fly out of Reno and we'd then make our way back to Seattle. Shortly after Flagstaff we passed a sign that said "Los Angeles 465miles". We'd pulled off the beaten track to follow the historic and nostalgic Route 66 (my request) for a piece when my son suggested a solution to our problem. "Let's drive to straight to LA!" Forget the 119 degrees in Death Valley, cancel Reno reservations, let's give our big sis a break and take her on home to the city of Angels!!! Done!
We may be a ragtag caravan on a wiley-niley road trip, but at least we're flexible if nothing else. I rode shot-gun and read to our fearless road warrior in an attempt to keep her awake as she brought us in to the home stretch. The bright lights of LA looked pretty damn good when we drove in that evening. We sat around her gas fire pit, sipped wine, and recounted tales from the road until 2am - not wanting our amazing adventure to be over quite yet.
It was a trip to remember - one of anticipation, excitement, endurance, and celebration. It was journey of discovery, interconnectedness, growth and adjustment. We came together after nearly a year of being without our husband/father/father-in-love and we were still pretty raw, but we found we could laugh, experience, enjoy, bicker, forgive, love, cry.....and remember fondly, in spite of ourselves. We covered a lot of territory both physical and metaphysical and he was with us every mile. I personally saw him every day in each of our children, I felt him in the awesomeness of the Grand Canyon, and I passed him on the nostalgic Route 66 - I think he was driving a red 1953 Mercury Convertible~
As the "Official Qualifier" card reads: 'Anything Is Possible'
With the first portion of the journey behind us, my daughter-in-love and I drove the 10 miles from Lubbock, Texas to Buffalo Springs Lake, "Lubbock's Oasis in the Wild West". It is a spring- fed recreational lake that was formed after a dam was constructed in l959. It has been a popular "outings" spot since early settlers dug out an area around the springs in the late 1800's. It is also known to host the annual Buffalo Springs-Ironman 70.3 (aka Half Ironman) which is one of only 38 events around the world that enable qualification to the 2011 World Championship event (aka FULL Ironman) in Kona, Hawaii. In other words - THE BIG KAHUNA!
Please read here about triathlons in general, if you are interested(CLICK). Although I've often heard of them and have even known some courageous people who have taken part (my youngest daughter in college and my friend Nancy as a breast cancer survivor) I really haven't had much actual knowledge about what they involve and the varying distances and events that comprise them. Exactly a year ago this month, our son and oldest daughter volunteered at the ACA's Paddy Rossbach Amputee Youth Camp that is held every summer in Ohio (click here). This experience was life changing for practically everyone in attendance and my two were no exception. This humbling experience motivated our son to attend the Amputee Coalition of America's national conference a month later in Irvin, Ca where he met double amputees for the first time. As he sat down to dinner with about ten of them one night the beginning of a dream took form. His father had died just two weeks before and he nearly cancelled, but the whole family encouraged him to go - his Apu would have wanted it. He and another novice made a commitment as a two-man team to tackle their first triathlon. In La Jolla, Ca, a mere six weeks later, that's exactly what they did!
Little by little he built a small network, learned more about competition and bought some equipment off of Craig's List. Ha! If we only knew.... but learn he did...we all are. There are some amazing and inspiring people out there and they only fueled our son's motivation. To heck with funding, sponsorship, experience, and equipment - seize the moment! Apparently following a much smaller event in Eugene, Ore in May that qualifies him to compete in an Olympic qualifying race (stick with me, I'll confuse all of us) the 'moment' proved to be Lubbock, Tx.
Why Buffalo Springs? Why? I asked myself that about 100 times after driving in to the first state of our trip that my adventurous sidekick stated she'd never care if she ever saw again. This part of the country is a hot, desolate wasteland (sorry Texas) and the temperature had been in the triple digits since before we arrived. The heat is oppressive and the lake temperature is around 75 degrees year round - oh, and id I mention the wind? I kept my eye peeled for a funnel cloud the moment I arrived. The competition is especially fierce and it is one of only five Half Ironman distance events that have slots for Hawaii. That, in a nutshell, is why. Have mercy.
It was no small organizing feat to gather us all at the starting line at the appointed day and hour - not this family! The kernel of the idea seed was planted months ago when our son tossed around the idea after getting 'hooked' in La Jolla. He didn't have the handcycle yet, but just transporting his secondhand racing wheelchair was a challenge. He really didn't know how to do it or who to ask. He does have some common sense (thank God) and called the airlines. One of our proud "sponsors", Thalia, used air miles and we were able to send the athlete, his wife (for moral and ground support) and his gear down south. Our oldest daughter provided the hotel and I rented an SUV for them (it really does take a village). The triathlon team of two (I think they called themselves the Lava Walkers - what can I say?) not only finished to their complete amazement, but did quite well. Our son completed the swim in the middle of the pack of able-bodied swimmers (he thinks the great-white shark attack up the coast only days before helped his speed) and refused all assistance up the long staircase to the transition areas - the dummy. As he prepared to take off for the "run" with his grouping he had a flat tire. The pack departed as he called out for assistance - somebody? anybody? While his tire was pumped up he sat for 5 mins at the starting line being interviewed about his Craig's list chair. The moment his tire was plump he took off - passing all others in that 'wave' and won, flat tire and all.
I stayed home from this event, biting my nails and waiting for news, but swore I'd attend every event that I could after that. I didn't really understand what was happening, but I knew he'd made it out of the water and completed his events. I think it was an amazing experience for a husband and wife to sort out together and they both learned a lot. My friend, Betsy's, son lives in the area and was there on race day. He was overcome with awe and inspiration at what he experienced that day - not just my son, but all the athletes. On the return trip the personnel at the airline gate were scratching their heads when he walked up with his chair, but he confidently informed them that they could, in fact, pack it on-board.
It was a no-brainer that we'd all be in Texas to cheer on our guy. We worked out the travel plans and while two of us were up for a road trip (bringing precious equipment) the other three organized their flights to arrive in Dallas within a couple of hours of each other. They had precious little time to travel the 40mins to pick up the reserved RV and receive all of the required orientation. Sister #1 generously rented this dainty 30 footer and was the only driver of it on the whole trip (note to self - never again). When asked why she thought we needed 30' to sleep five people she quipped, "It was the smallest they had!" They'd traveled all day, sat in RV school, shopped and loaded that damn thing and still had a 6+ hr drive to Buffalo Springs Lake.
.....Meanwhile the road trip divas were sitting in our bug-splattered SUV in a prime RV camping spot (right next to the lake) being held only with an orange parking cone and the sticker on our windshield. The temperature had climbed to 106 and while it was risky we ventured out to walk to the official swimming area that we were told (say in your best Texan accent) was "jes dawn th' road a piece". Three and a half miles and two heat strokes later we crawled to the 75 degree water on our hands and knees. The whole time I was certain that some 45' five-wheeler had driven over our cone and claim-jumped our homestead. The only thing that save us was the sound that could pull the child in any of us back from a deep coma - the tinkling tune of the ice cream truck! I flagged the 118 yr old driver down and told him that, "I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for two ice-creams today" since I'd only packed for "jes a piece" of road, I had no cash on me. He flashed a twinkle in those little cataract-ridden eyebals of his and said, "Sho, y'all can jes track me dawn." They even had an ice cream called 'the Ironman'. I swear every Texan we met was nicer than the last one - either that or they have permanent damage from the heat. He was so sweet. He asked, "Where y'all from?" When we told him, "Seattle", he said, "Ah wuz goin' to drive to Seattle one weekend but I only made it to Nebraska and ah ran outta weekend!"
We swam and then sat on the beach until well after sunset and then we hitched a ride back to the campsite from some locals driving a golf cart (favorite mode of transport around the lake by the "lake people"). The driver was sipping off of a bottle of "Lone Star" but since our lives were already in danger it seemed like a safe bet. We nibbled on the remaining snacks in our stash feeling too nervous to drive off our precious plot for dinner. We'd kept in contact with the newly christened 'redneck' faction of our group and due to a shopping spree at Walmart and then a stop for BBQ they were rapidly falling off schedule. We were quite worried that by the time they arrived they might not even speak the same language. Estimated arrival time was well after 1am, sigh. By now the temp had dropped to about 89 degrees so we laid back our seats opened the windows to capture the lake breeze, kept off all lights so as not to attract the West Nile virus, and plugged in our audio book which was all about a southwest (in these here parts) archaeological expedition that was being stalked by Anastasi 'night walkers' trying to protect an ancient cliff village. I rolled the windows up a tad and locked the doors. Soon we were softly snoring...well, she was...I don't snore...
At 2am I was abruptly awaked by a wirey young man (clearly a distance runner) who was trying to inform me that we were parked on his claim - er, campsite. I quickly checked his reservation number and firmly (what I don't have in wirey I make up for in fiesty) but nicely explained that I was holding down the fort (not far off) in our space, but his was on the other side of the caution-cone. His eyes popped open as he asked how he was supposed to park his 5th-wheel in that space. I wanted to tell him my problems, but I helped him back-up instead. 15 minutes later our party of three and all 30 feet had arrived. They all looked like seasoned mother-truckers, backed her in without so much as a hiccup (delirium will do that) and 20 mins, a baby cry, and a dog bark later....and we were all air conditioned and unconscious. z-z-z-z
Day Before the RACE! The jitters definitely set in and there was much to be done. We had to figure out how to live in "The Beast" as our new home came to be known. Things like - how not to blow ourselves up while lighting the pilot light, what turns on what, what flushes etc...Then came the, "What is that alarm?" and "Don't forget we have to run the engine for 20mins to keep the battery charged" - all kinds of fun things like that. The manual was well read but usually AFTER we needed to know something. Sonny-boy had meetings to attend prior to the next day's race. We drove him to a hotel in Lubbock to check-in and have his equipment be approved for competition. Houston (at least we weren't far) we have a problem! There seemed to be a major issue with his handcycle not complying with the latest equipment guidelines for competition. Some items were minor, like no review mirror (duh) - even I freaked out that he'd been riding without one, but it seems it broke and he hadn't replace it. Every little thing is so expensive. I took off to the local Target to find a mirror only to return and find there were worse problems. His Craig's list vehicle is quite old and didn't meet the degree of seat slant and bike width specifications. They told him he could compete, but since this was the handcycle championship they didn't think his results could count. He took it like a champ, said he more than understood and felt happy that he could at least compete. He'd dealt with worse things in his life. With the talent in his division he really didn't think he'd place anyway. "Anything Is Possible"
As though nothing had intervened, his next plan was to drive the race course. Our youngest is an athlete in her own right and wanted "official" status to work as his handler. She was even able to get a pass so for us for parking in the staging area and for her to enter to assist her brother. Don't mess with the women in this family (even in Texas)! His wife was glad to step back and happily became official photographer. I was, as usual, official cheerleader and I take my role seriously. We managed to get some lake (aka bath) time in and per orders of the trainer in the family, prepared and ate a wonderful pasta dinner in our new digs. The female crew took off to town for the evening to give our Ironman (in more ways than most can imagine) time to ready himself and get to bed. It was our intent, but sleep would not come.
RACE DAY - He must have drifted off at some point, but it couldn't have been long because he and his handler were out the flimsy door at 5am. The rest of us mustered at the beach by 6am and I held back tears at the sight of over 1500 warriors gathered at dawn, battle-ready. A military band played the 'Stars Spangled Banner' as the swimmers took their mark - and in waves of 100 they were off! What a sight! I was overcome with emotion of the moment. Here we were, all of us there - minus one, but he was there in great spirit. We even had a shirt for Apu that read, "My son is fueled by Platinum" after a nutritional supplement that a company provides for him. Our youngest had shirts and hats bearing her brother's website for all of us to wear. We were a team united for one purpose - to support the efforts of this guy that we nearly lost and so love. A few short years ago we hoped it, but we couldn't imagine it. It was too far....
I could write another 2000 words on the sights, sounds, and emotions of the event that day. The temperature would eventually get to 111 degrees, but fortunately it started so early that the greatest heat was much later. The officials cut the time off but not before it had reached triple digits. I'll let the photos tell you a better story than I could ever. I will say this - our son, brother, husband, inspiration - he won his division even in an inferior cycle (that hindered rather than gave him an advantage), even though it did not count. He amazed so many people that day and was congratulated by athletes from all categories. He cheered on his race-mates until we had to load him into the car to get him out of the heat. Such bonds are formed so quickly - as in most battles, admiration is earned by worthy opponents.
Waiting at dawn End of 1st let - the swim~
Sisters waiting..... .....and the wife~
To view the start of the last leg click-> Download Last leg (does not open in a separate window, please page back when clip is finished)
Whew, finally - DONE!
OH-h-h the pain! The Interview~
Proud Mama!
On the awards stage, later that night, when all the winners were acknowledge from all categories, Carlos - a former Navy Seal wounded in Panama, spoke representing the Challenged Athletes Foundation. A former Ironman competitor, he now mentors rising athletes. I wish I'd recorded his words that night, but I was crying too hard to think straight. He shared how the CAF started and of the early athletes it helped. He explained that while all competitors are to be commended for their efforts these athletes are not just pursuing a physical goal, they are proving to themselves and everyone that they not only have claimed a life for themselves, but that they too are athletes in their own right. While an able-bodied runner grabs a pair of sneakers, a challenged athlete has more expensive and complex equipment to obtain and transport. He then spoke about a young man that earned his attention back in the fall, a guy with heart and guts, and well, Craig's list equipment. He explained about the old cycle not qualifying this athlete but that he competed anyway....and then....he won the whole damn thing (please, I'm not quoting any of this, but it has the same sentiment). People applauded and then he announced that the CAF in keeping with it's purpose and goal was going to provide this athlete (ours truly) with a new regulation handcycle so he can continue to compete. (I am a complete mess at this point).
As if that wasn't enough as the awards and slots for Kona are being announced each winner is asked the question, "Do you accept the invitation to Kona?" Everyone wants to go to Kona....that's why they're there! The young man who "officially" won in the handcycle division was asked that question, and - he declined. He knew our guy unofficially won and the spot was offered to our Numero Uno!!! We're going to Kona, BABY!! "Anything Is Possible"!!!
Accepting and signing for KONA!! (prayers pleeeese)!!!
We missed you Apu and felt you with us the whole trip - No owls, but plenty of Buzzards! Love you guys - love you all~
To hell with it - I'm diving right in! I wondered how I'd begin this post after being away so long and sometimes you just have to hit the water full bore. If I think about it too long my fingers will just get in a knot - there is so much to tell. You see, I've been on a little journey.
Since I've just recently returned home after nearly two weeks of being on the road I've had plenty to catch up on these last couple of days. It's been an adjustment to return to an empty house (even the dogs are gone) after such a full and thrilling time. Of course by the time I settle down to write it's nearly midnight - will I never learn? It was such an amazing, enlightening, and moving (literally) trip; I want to give it to you in sections so I won't abuse your kind attention. So let's go....
The motivation for this adventure in the first place was for the whole family to be together in Lubbock, Texas on June 26th to cheer on our son/brother/husband during his first complete half Ironman (more about that later). We've needed this time together as we close in on the one year mark of Apu's death. We've been plotting and planning the ins and outs, twists and turns of this family vacay for months. It has changed and evolved more than the colors of a schizophrenic chameleon. There've been some challenges to work around and we all rallied like true road-trip warriors. This being the first competition requiring all of our son's highly specialized equipment (hand cycle and racing wheelchair), we wrestled with the most efficient and economical way to get all of it to Texas. We are still neophytes in the finer (not to mention the major features, as will be explained in part 2) details of triathlon competition and unlike most able-bodied athletes who only need a pair of sneakers and a bike, transporting delicate equipment is expensive and complicated.
Since our son was working as well as training, it was important to conserve his energy so it was decided that his wife and I would DRIVE his equipment to Texas and he would meet us there along with his sisters who would be traveling from California. The plan was for the three of them to meet in Dallas, rent an RV (oh, say a 30ft one) and drive 6 hrs to meet up with us a day before the event. Sounds good - in theory.
Packed, loaded, and filled with excitement my daughter-in-love (happily I can still say "love" 5,000 miles later) and I took off from Seattle the morning of June 21st. I'd rented an SUV big enough to load both the cycle and chair plus all our gear. I've done the research, in case you ever need to know the exact make and model that can accommodate the largest load in it's class. With hope and a prayer it was waiting on the lot for us the night before. You can order what you want, but they only guarantee a class of vehicle. I've made it my business to know "John" of the local Avis...he fixed me up! I'll probably have to bring him donuts for the next month.
My son's wonderful wife is from Romania and has never experienced a USA road trip - certainly not one our family's style! First up we have to begin with traditional traveling music. I introduced all of you to Liszt's Hungarian Rhapsody #2 (review) recently which officially marked the beginning of any family road trip. It boldly blared out of the SUV's considerable sound system as we pulled away. I set the course for our journey on my new gps madam whom we immediately christened, "Marge" (I'd completely forgotten you named yours Molly, Jim. lol) She was Margie when all was running smoothly, but "Marge!" was undoubtedly her moniker when ever she required a stern reprimand, as in "don't get your panties in a knot, Marge!", when she'd start droning "recalculating, recalculating...." after we'd stop for gas. I grew to love her while the other members of the sojourn threatened mutiny. I think they were just jealous. Even as they rapidly fiddled with their iPhone's gps - Margie got us out of plenty of scrapes. Don't know how I lived without her.
The day of the race would mark my "sister of the traveling leggings" birthday. It was destined to be a red-letter day no matter what, but with all the attention on her husband I wanted this to be a special trip for her. When we traveled with our young children, whether flying or in the car, I always packed little gifts for them to open every hour of the journey. It may sound excessive, but they were small, little items mostly, like snacks, or crayons....the fun was in the anticipation...the unveiling. It was magic on a trip and kept them quite manageable. Bribery in all it's forms works....I'm just sayin'. Well, I love spoiling my d-i-l and now she's my kid too, so she received a gift per hour....for 30 hrs!!! It was so much fun, more for me I think than for her. We made up little rules about it along the way (she did) like she couldn't open them when she was driving, of course, so some times she'd anticipate a couple at a time. There were things she'd need on the trip, like sun block, and aloe spray, her favorite puff chips....and fun things like a spray bottle with a battery operated fan. We had just watched a documentary together about drilling for natural gas in several of the states we'd be driving through and the negative affects on some of the local water. While we realize that this was not wide spread and generally in some local specific areas, I included a water bottle with a filtering system just to be sure....she loved it.
So, we set course for Mountain Home, Idaho for our first night, Rawlins, Wyoming for our second night, and our last evening we rolled into Lamar, Colorado early enough to do a little exploring. Each state offered us it's own unique beauty and it was lovely to witness the new experiences through someone else's eyes - it made it all the more exciting for me. I'd never been in Utah or Wyoming. Since my d-i-l is a photographer we were always on the look out for an interesting angle of light, landscape, or human interest photo op. Seeking out suggestions while in a local diner in Lamar we were informed of a former Japanese Internment Camp site just outside of town also know as the Granada Relocation Center (no, not THAT Granada). I couldn't wait to see it because I'd read about it in a book called "Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet" by Jamie Ford. The book begins in the now "international" district of Seattle and covers one of our country's less proud historical moments. It was quite a somber and serendipitous find in a most unexpected place.
The next day we crossed over the pan-handle of Oklahoma (you can't imagine my excitement, truly). I've never been there. I had to stop the car to step on it, even though I nearly died in the heat - how anti-climatic would that have been? June 24th found us refueling in Lubbock, Texas just before heading to Buffalo Springs Lake (the "Oasis of Lubbock") a mere 15 minutes away where not only the Ironman 70.3 takes place, but it is also the Handcycle Championship competition. Here our son, her husband, their brother hoped to earn a slot in the Kona Full Ironman in October - he on a Craig's list handcycle..... As we waited in our reserved campsite for the rest of our ragtag caravan we noted the temperature - it was 106 degrees. (It was 62 in Seattle!)
We'd done it! We'd crossed the mountains, the valleys, the plains and the hills - 1932.93 miles, 29 hrs of driving!! At night we stayed in hotels with swimming pools with full breakfasts each morning and traveled with a woman of technology named Marge which is probably why we're still speaking today.... Stay tuned~
Eight months (8)! How is this even possible? How have I kept on breathing? One breath at a time...
Today was my birthday (it's just midnight now and I have to be up in 5 hrs). I'd love to tell you about my day, but I'm pretty tired and I have to be at the hospital tomorrow. I need to show my students a good example and I'll send them home if they have less than 5 hrs of sleep....so I'll have to fill you in later on how I survived my first birthday without my guy. But, it appears that I did make it through a day more difficult than I tried to fool myself it would be. We are hard-wired for those damn milestones of sorts...and "firsts".
A new reader, Jim, from South Carolina has reminded me that it's not just widows that grieve their loss, but men who have loved well are also working through this process. Some of us are older and some, I've recently met, are still very young. They are often the ones who feel so out of touch, so unsupported. I'm only one - telling my story, sharing my journey and I know I'm not alone even though sometimes it's hard to convince myself of this.
Jim introduced me to the American folk singer, Steve Goodman from Chicago. While Jim shared the lyrics from "Spoon River", the name sounded familiar and I now know why. Steve wrote the song "City of New Orleans", made famous by Arlo Guthrie (gotta love Wikipedia). He died way too young of leukemia in my very own Seattle at the University of Washington Medical Center (where I had my very first nursing job). I found a song from him that I'm posting as my birthday present to myself. If Apu could, I know he would try to sing this one for me...even with his crazy accent, and I would love it. He always said that my song was "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone", but I think he would pull this one in second - it's how loved I felt. I miss him greatly - especially today. I'm going to share this one with Jim's Sharon (she was a nurse too).
I've been MIA for about 10 days in case you haven't noticed. I have good reasons, at least I think so. I ended one quarter of teaching nursing, traveled on my brief break and met my new group of eager, bright and shiny students and began spring quarter on Wednesday. For someone struggling with outlook and energy - that seemed to be some kind of accomplishment.
I just returned from a rainy walk with Rufus (he was ecstatic!) and am now enjoying a steamy cup of java as I write. My bones are chilled from the drippy walk and I'm wrapped in a cozy, over sized cashmere sweater that I inherited from my beloved oldest (not just because she gives me stuff).
Last week at this exact time I was having my coffee sitting poolside in Palm Springs with my oldest daughter and two of her dearest friends - a girl's weekend to celebrate her birthday. This was her first without a "Zivio!" from her Apu.
Moments later we walked over to an open-air patio for a yoga class with palm trees and the desert sky and hills as our backdrop. It was salve for the weary soul. As I dropped into child's pose (a resting position) I stretched just over my mat and gently placed my forehead onto the cold, white tile. This action jolted me into one of those moments of really "experiencing the now" - you know, when your consciousness is crystal clear and very present. Tears began to trickle down my cheeks. I felt such a momentary sense of peace and contentment, but there was one nagging omission. Then I remembered. I had carefully placed myself in the back (my yoga skills are remedial at best, though I love it) and I didn't want to remain in that resting position significantly longer than the others at the risk that the observant instructor (very flexible, I might add) would come over and check my pulse.
It was a wonderful few days spent with someone so loved. My emotions, of course, were all over the place. I adore my home and the Pacific Northwest, but it was difficult to leave my girl and the sun to face "difficult things" and our schizophrenic, early spring weather. Besides, she spoils me. Who doesn't love that?
She's not the only one who spoils me. I may often feel heavy-hearted, but I can't allow myself to remain sad for too long at a stretch. My sister-from-my-heart, Betsy insisted on an early birthday adventure (she's always good for a road trip), even though our time was crammed in between my final student conferences and flying off to California. When dealing with her I've learned that "no" is not an option. I think it is so healing in these long, lonely days to just pack a bag and run away for a moment. Even though it takes energy and effort to do it (arrange for the dogs, someone to care for the house, pack, and stress over all the "things that must be done") it is so worth it, so freeing. We weren't gone long nor did we go far, but as always it was uplifting and fun to be with her. Thank you dear friend - now what will I do for your birthday?
With no class this morning I wanted to sleep in as I heard the drops pelting my window. Mikey and I were all snuggled deep in our slumber (my chihuahua for you new readers-ahem) and it was tempting to stay there. Even though Mikey was annoyed I threw back the covers, dressed quickly and headed to mass - it is after all, Lent and I have much to rejoice in spite of my miserable self. I drove home in the jeep, wiper's flapping as I listened to the news of rising local rivers - time to drive up and check on the cabin. Still tempted to bundle up and laze the morning away, I grabbed Rufus and his leash and headed out into the downpour. As my happy lab looked for a ditch deep enough to swim, I spoke to my dear, departed husband. I told him for the zillionth time how much I miss him and how loved he is and as Rufie and I splashed through the puddles I felt something drip from my eye - maybe it was only the rain.....maybe...
I don't know where to begin. I know I've said that before, but I honestly don't. I have no idea where this post is headed and will be just as surprised at the end of it as you may be. I will first apologize for the long absence (if you have even noticed) but the good news is that I have been so completely occupied that I haven't had a moment to spare these last days before Christmas.
Fortunately I managed to avoid most of the madness of the season depicted above, but there were moments. Right now I am sipping "White Christmas" tea from my new "hidden owl" tea cup (Truly, it's a big white porcelain cup with a 3 D owl nestled in the bottom of it.) as I think over the last month and how I've (we've) survived so far.
Just about the time my quarter ended and I began to feel the first pangs of panic creep in, my buddy, Betsy, whisked me away to spend a night at the Captain Whidbey Inn up on Whidbey Island (click for info). She knows that this is a place very dear to me since my husband and I discovered it while sailing down Penn Cove, on an exquisite summer's day, nearly 34 years ago. There is more to this story, but I'll keep that part private. It is a most magical log inn with history spanning over 100 yrs. People travel from all over the world to find beauty like this and it's just up the creek from us. We arrived to discover that on this blustery December evening, less than two weeks before Christmas - we were the only guests! We also learned that the place is haunted - a fact revealed to me only after I got a very distinct chill down my spine while exploring the upper floor and then inquiring. The young proprietress simply looked at me with big eyes and said, "You felt it didn't you?" I was so excited, but more so as Betsy and I settled down to tea-for-two in the lobby and heard about all of the "activity". When we asked if our hostess was afraid to be there at night she told us, "not really - there are often many sounds in an old place like this, like the owl I heard hooting tonight!" Betsy and I jerked our heads toward each as if we'd just received an electric shock! "Owl? Are you sure?" "Oh yes" she answered, "And it's so unusual here - I've never heard an owl."....so then, we had a story for her.....
A festive Capt. Whidbey Inn. My husband and I dined at the table next to the window in '76.
I managed to do a little baking for the neighbors, despite Rufus' bold move on the kitchen counter where he demolished a lab's share - I couldn't believe it! Also, I made some special, meaningful gifts for the kids that were connected to their dad and did some shopping online (the only way to go) and had it shipped to my daughter's address in California. It was important for me to find a special way to memorialized my daughter-in-law's grandmother who died shortly after my husband. She was unable to travel to Romania for the burial service and I know this was a huge loss for her. I'd heard of a Star Registry where you can name an actual star after a loved one and I was able to have a special package delivered with a letter announcing the star's name, it's astrological coordinates, and a saying of my choosing.
I selected the verse by Mary E. Frye:
Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the mornings hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry I am not there. I did not die.
It was important to pick and choose the activities that I devoted my energies to. I wasn't always on target, but I tried to read myself as best as I could. I attended daily mass as often as possible. I know I looked horrible those mornings and I was very lost until I arrived there...then I felt at home. Everyone is different - this helps me more than I can say. I had a desire to 'give back' where ever I could. Any "Giving Tree" that I came across I picked a name of a child - in one case she was a 15 yr old with the same name as my oldest and I felt like I knew her as I looked for the perfect skinny jeans and zebra stripped 'Snugy' she'd requested.
It was imperative to visit my siblings and life-long sisters-from-other mothers before I left for California. I didn't quite know how I'd fit it all in but I accomplished it. I naively thought I'd figure out how to download the last two years of video that I'd filmed of Apu onto my computer and then just...oh, burn some DVDs. By 4:30 in the morning three days before I was to wing south, I was tearfully aware that I was at risk of losing this precious film and gave up to exhaustion. The next day I found a place that promised they could do it and I was filled with gratitude when I picked up the pricey package early the next morning only to discover, upon arriving back at home, that there was no sound. ARrrgggghh!! What good were they without his beautiful accent? The helpful elves were very apologetic and said if I could return them there immediately they'd work on it throughout the night to have them ready in time. The problem was that I was running to catch a ferry to see my family and friends on the peninsula. I made a quick change of direction, jumped on the freeway with thousands of other Christmas-crazy people, dropped off my precious discs, hurled myself down to the Seattle ferry terminal where I made the boat by one slim minute (who needs sky diving?) and arrived in Bremerton much earlier than I would have by the other route. I was able to have some one-on-one time with a brother that, I discovered, really needed time with his big sis. (Thank you baby Jesus!) So you just have to trust in some things.
Childhood friends, Penny and Theresa, met me for a Christmas lunch and some precious 'catch-up' time before we went to our grade school parish for early evening mass. We were randomly approached in the entry of the church by an usher and asked to bring the "Gifts of the Faithful" to the altar at the offertory time of mass. There we were, we three grown-up women living separate lives, back together where it all began, walking with adult legs and childlike hearts to the altar that promised us so much all those years ago - and did not disappoint. As we bowed and offered our gifts, they were received by the assistant to the priest, Deacon Hamlin, known to us as "Billy" all eight years of parochial school that we shared with him. I felt the old Christmas then - It was a moment~
Never underestimate the gift of a "Snugy"!!
The last day before leaving for LA I still had to pack, pick up those #@%# DVDs at the camera store and meet Betsy and about a hundred of her family members (and I love them all) at the Sorrento Hotel for the famous Christmas Tea. Have I mentioned that I met my husband at the Sorrento? It has been an important location for all kind of celebrations in my life, non-the-least the place of my son and his wife's wedding reception two years ago. It's been at least 10 years since Betsy and I started meeting four or five of our closest friends there for the "Dickens's Christmas Caroler's Christmas Tea". Christmas at the Sorrento is so nostalgic and beautiful as it conjures up an old world charm, especially in the Fireside Room. How many perfect martini's my husband and I have sipped there!?! Well, our celebration has changed a bit over the years, but it is still very special and an event not to be missed - I wasn't about to! The carolers no longer perform there but we didn't need them as we sang our own Christmas songs, and danced, and laughed, and...yes, cried a little too.
Fireside Room at the Sorrento Hotel - Just oozes charm and memories.
The day was not complete yet! I headed east to Bellevue to the Christmas gathering of dear Slovak and Czech friends who are more like family - many whom I haven't seen since my husband died in August. It was very emotional for me as these people are of him....his language, his food and culture; the people we both love and who made him feel closest to his origins - the essence of him. I love them so and am so greatful that they still embrace me as one of them. I had to go home to pack, but left them reluctantly far too soon - until next time, drahí priatelia. Bozky!
As mindfully as I could, I completed my packing. Unable to travel light as I normally try to do, I managed to close my bags without too much effort, thankfully and didn't forget anything important. I haven't even started to share my journey to the land of colored-lights strewn palm trees....but stay tuned....maybe by the New Year...just maybe. A promise or a threat? I hope your Christmas was bright...we, after all, shine our own light. And now we know where this post was headed. Thanks for taking the journey with me. Bless....
As the rain pounds on the skylight above my head, I would like to humbly point out that I have walked for 343 days straight! That's not nothing, correct? I'm heading down the home stretch...if I can just hang in there a little longer. For me, this year, it might as well have been around the earth. I think I will always walk (God willing) it's become a part of me. Today Rufus and I enjoyed a drizzly one - he's my walking buddy. Mikey too, but a little more fragile. He's getting on in years and I need to be a bit more careful with him. Mike's a good listener though - he'll let me go on for minutes at a time, just looking at me-not even blinking.
Let me tell you, the holiday season is a killer for those who have recently lost a loved one - news flash, right? I know, but everyday (day in and day out) I am reminded of:
it stands to reason that these would be among the most difficult days, but you just can't prepare yourself for this. I don't begrudge people for their happiness of this season, honestly I don't; I just struggle engaging in it. Apu was such a part of Christmas. He tried to come off as "Bah Humbug", but he loved it. The artist in him wanted everything to be beautiful. We used to argue about it until I finally delegated some of the work of creating "Christmas Magic" and he soon realized that the memories of childhood take a lot of work to recreate.
We combined our traditions to make very special ones of our own - ones that tug at our adult children's heart strings to this day, like most people. For example, we always celebrated St. Nicholas Day, or Stockings Day, on December 6th-it was the beginning of the season. Every year we'd fill our stockings sometime the night before with small gifts and lots of goodies. We'd wake up early the next morning and have hot chocolate before the fire as we'd dug deep into our home made Christmas stocking. The items were small, inexpensive, but the kids were as excited as if it were Christmas Eve. We never missed even if it meant that we had to get up very early before Apu left for the hospital and the kids to school. Before we put away the stockings after the holidays we'd each write a note to place in the toe - messages of hope, expectations, and curiosity to find there next year. We never missed, even if just we two, even last Christmas. I always knew it could be our last - I never thought it would...
Don't feel too badly for me-I do have some wonderful moments. My youngest (you know, the over worked, under paid....yatta, yatta...) came home this weekend for a mommie fix. My house was full of adult children, food, laughter, animals, and love. Betsy, Trish and I had a wonderful lunch at the Fairmont Olympic Hotel in Seattle. What a beautiful place that is at Christmas. If you haven't seen the lobby at this time of year - get yourself down there! Breathtaking. I enjoy meeting gal pals one-on-one for happy hour in my little town - that is so personal and very manageable for me. Attending the graduation, this week, of our most recent new nurses from our school, was a very proud moment.
Our amazing book club (GAB) held our annual "Pizza and Poems" at Wendy's home where we set down our novels once a year and pick up favorite poems to read aloud to each other. It's wonderful! I love these women - we nurture and support one another and encourage each other to read books we might not otherwise choose for ourselves. As our self appointed scribe these past eleven years, I've been remiss, of late, recording the fascinating books we've read in the last year. I'll try to rectify this after the holidays.
Tonight was a special celebration for a colleague and friend. Belle has recently completed her Masters Degree in Nursing while working nearly full time (did I mention that she is a wife and mother to boot!). I felt honored to be included in her circle of celebrants. I stopped in at another party before heading home, but this one was big and a little overwhelming for my current state so I stayed only for a short time. Husbands and wives were together, girlfriends and boyfriends, singles on the prowl; I'm sure there were a few like myself, just there on their own, but I didn't notice them. I almost fell down the stairs trying to get out of there without being noticed.
Congratulations Belle!!!
Speaking of falling down: I fell hard coming out of a large store one dark and stormy night, this week, as I was heading to the parking lot. I looked up gaging the distance to my car, on-coming traffic, and the time it would take dodging the chilly rain drops. I glanced up to watch the progress of large truck as I stepped off of a high curb. The next thing I know I was lying in a puddle (not just a heap...a real rain-filled puddle) with my body full out on the pavement. For a moment I was dazed - couldn't believe I was really down there! I bounced up, sputtering as the driver of the big black truck stopped to ask if I was hurt? "Only my pride", I answered, but I lied. I wasn't badly hurt, but I was soaked to the skin and had scraped my hands and left knee. I was SO embarrassed and felt so stupid. I also realize how older people so easily break their hips. I then did what any self-respecting klutz would do...I drove myself across the street to the local Baskin and Robbins.
I could see that there was a family all lined up in there, but that didn't stop me. I led with my right side (the one still relatively dry). I had wiped off my bloody (just a little...even if tempted to exaggerate) palms and the parking lot grit from my jacket, but I could feel the water from my soaked slacks running down my leg. Nothing would stop me. I patiently waited as each of the several children (I was too miserable to count) received their chosen ice cream and smiled sweetly as the obviously overweight mother stated her rationale for allowing herself this special treat. I might have ordinarilly felt a bit smug, but I was in no position to feel superior. Part of my brain had registered that some transaction was missing, but the asian owner/manager/ice cream scooper extraodinaire looked at me expectantly so I boldly stepped up and announced my order: "I'd like a waffle cone with one scoop of peanut-butter/chocolate and one scoop of Oreo-Cookie....please." The happy family just stood there waiting and for a second I thought my recent brain injury had caused me to commit a faux pas. The clerk announced to no one in particular, "That will be $23.47." I'm quite certain that the look on my shocked face actually put color back in my cheeks as the plump mother stepped up with her credit card to pay. "Oh, sorry - I'm not with them", I protested. "No, it's ok. I told him to", she responded, "I wanted to buy it for you." I thanked her profusely explaining that I had done that in the past for others but had never had it happen to me...."Thank you, I promise to pay it forward." She told me that it was "no problem, I wanted to do it for you - you looked like you needed it."....at which I promptly burst into tears. I wouldn't have blamed them if they'd hustled their children quickly away from the crazy lady, but I managed to "squish, squish, squish" my way out of the door first. That kindness made my Christmas. My goal this Christmas is to pay it back every day.
So...you see, I'm ok.....sort of. I'm sitting here with one slipper on, my house in a Christmas mess (some things never change) and teary eyes. I'll share with you a song from one of Apu's and my favoritie Christmas shows we loved to watch with our children. I've also included my poem choice for "Pizza and Poems" this year. I couldn't read it - one of my GAB girls read it for me. We help each other out like that - it's what we do. Thanks Deb.
We miss you Apu, but you left us many wonderful, love-filled holiday memories which will make this first one without you a bit rough, but will live on and on and on and on....thank you for that.
Gone to the Unseen - Rumi
At last you have departed and gone to the Unseen. What marvelous route did you take from this world?
Beating your wings and feathers, you broke free from this cage. Rising up to the sky you attained the world of the soul. You were a prized falcon trapped by an Old Woman. (Man) Then you heard the drummer's call and flew beyond space and time.
As a lovesick nightingale, you flew among the owls. Then came the scent of the rose garden and you flew off to meet the Rose.
The wine of this fleeting world caused your head to ache. Finally you joined the tavern of Eternity. Like an arrow, you sped from the bow and went straight for the bull's eye of bliss.
This phantom world gave you false signs But you turned from the illusion and journeyed to the land of truth.
You are now the Sun - what need have you for a crown? You have vanished from this world - what need have you to tie your robe?
I've heard that you can barely see your soul. But why look at all? - yours is now the Soul of Souls!
O heart, what a wonderful bird you are. Seeking divine heights, Flapping your wings, you smashed the pointed spears of your enemy.
The flowers flee from Autumn, but not you - You are the fearless rose that grows amidst the freezing wind. Pouring down like the rain of heaven you fell upon the rooftop of this world.
Then you ran in every direction and escaped through the drain spout . . .
Now the words are over and the pain they bring is gone. Now you have gone to rest in the arms of the Beloved.
I guess I can still say that since it is the last day of November. Happy?-? Giving thanks? - yes.
I know, I've been MIA for a little while. I returned from LA both emotionally and physically spent. I helped my oldest daughter move into her new home and also drove a rental car up the coast to Santa Barbara and then east to Los Olivos (a little adventure-take the 90 to the 405 to the 101 to the 154) to spend a couple of days with my youngest, you know, the horse doctor. All she does is work and try to sleep a little. It's called an internship and just like in medicine it's sort of the road test to see what you are really made of. Their faces (whole body?) are rubbed in it 18 hours a day (one day off a week, one week-end off a month) and then asked the question: Do you want to do this your whole life? It's a bit numbing.
They both wanted to talk to their father to discuss the next phase of each of their lives....I was a woeful substitute who could only move boxes for one and cook for the other. I drove all the way back to LA in a blinding rain storm. I guess they don't believe in RainX or new wipers in Southern California. Since the moving truck was coming that Saturday with 80% chance of rain in LA, I prayed all the way down the coast that the rain would stop. It's not civilized, comforting rain like in the Northwest where we all continue our normal routines rain or shine - no, it's a hateful, torrential downpour that clogs all of the streets and make people act crazy. As I checked in with my eldest on my route south I kept urging her to get the movers, well - moving since the flood gates where following on my very heels. She calmly and cheerfully said, "don't worry mom, Apu won't let it rain - not until my last piece of furniture is moved in my new house. ...and you know what? That's exactly what happened - last item safely placed; heavens opened up! I am very grateful for my two girls.
So I headed to LAX exhausted and surly. I wanted to be home in my bed and not have the inconvenience of a 2 and a half hour flight delay that from happening. I boarded the plane only to have a woman sitting in my seat. Her boyfriend/husband asked me if that was my seat and when I confirmed that it was, he wondered if I'd mind sitting in front of them in the window seat. I specifically ordered the aisle and was not happy, but I believe in karma and grumbled my way to the place in front of them. My reward was the completely delightful, bumbling, incredibly interesting Boeing Engineer named Jack (10 yrs my Jr., don't worry) who sat next to me and who is now my new bff. We are email buddies - no kidding. So you see, you just never can tell how things will turn out. We were both laughing and crying by the end of the trip and I'm sure the two double gin and tonics had nothing to do with it. Can you imagine how lovely the journey would have been sitting next to the man whose wife I'd just tossed out of my seat? I was thankful for Jack.
I had telephoned my son earlier in the day to let him know that I would get a shuttle from the airport once I'd arrived in Seattle. He's just started a new shift at work and now has to work Mondays. Once I realized that, I knew he would have a very early morning (up at 4:30a) and since my flight was getting in at 10pm I just couldn't hear of him picking me up. I bid Jack farewell, promising to find him a good wife for his retirement years, and was on my way to the transportation deck when I got the text that not only was my son waiting for me, but my daughter-in-law as well. I knew I'd raised that boy right, but still I am very thankful for him and his amazing wife.
The forecast was full of snow for the next day and I was mentally kicking myself for not getting the studded tires put on before I left for California. I had a busy week ahead with work, preparing student evaluations for final conferences and preparing for Thanksgiving, where? - oh yeah, my house! I woke early Monday morning and as I let Mikey and Rufus out to take care of their morning business I saw the first flakes fall. HOLY CRAP!!! I threw my clothes on, tossed the big ol' fat (mounted as in weigh a ton!) studded tires in the jeep and flew out of the house to be at the tire shop before they opened. Only the manager and two older ladies were there ahead of me. The snow was really falling by then and I'd already had a call from work discussing options for the day. The little ladies and I settled ourselves in the waiting room as the place exploded into action. The cute little grease monkeys began showing up for work full of stories of mischief and mayhem out on the slippery streets. The phone was ringing off the hook and truck drivers were "just stopping by" to see if they could work themselves into the "line-up". As long as they didn't mess with me and my roller derby besties - these two gray-haired darlings all bundled up for the season. One commented to me, "I'm not going to get stuck at home." You go girl! I am thankful for the snow holding off until I landed safely home and for the Factory Direct Tire guys keeping a cheerful countenance during their own personal day from hell.
I got a little reprieve since work got cancelled and managed to get a jump start on my student evaluations. I did my Thanksgiving grocery shopping and even snagged a 25lb turkey for my friend Betsy. The next day, instead of working and preparing at home like I should have, Betsy and I took her (and my...but don't tell her) grand-kids to see the movie "Tangled". We ate hot dogs and popcorn and wore 3-D glasses and were still out of the theater in time to make pretty decent snow angels. I am so thankful for snow days, the last two big turkeys in the case, for my friend Betsy, her grandchildren who helped me remember the magic of snow angels.
I cried all Thanksgiving morning as I stuffed and prepared my big ole turkey by myself. This was never Apu's holiday - it was mine. He was the cook in our family, but this meal was the one I did every year for my family. I have five brothers and sisters and over the years crowds could get pretty large at our house. We're a boisterous bunch and love to all be cooking in the kitchen together, talking, and tasting with a football game blaring, but the early Thanksgiving morning belonged to Apu and me. I'd prepare the stuffing, but he'd be over my shoulder with suggestions while he'd help me fill the bird. Of course I'd always need help lifting it into the pan and I could never quite figure out his fancy digital thermometer so he'd patiently teach me once again. We'd sip our coffee and just be grateful for each other. Yes, I sobbed big crocodile tears and our turkey was a bit more salty this year. I popped it in the oven, blew my nose and left for mass. I am so very thankful for my faith.
Slowly family arrived and the house filled with warmth, laughter, and good smells. We all shared in the preparation of our feast and as magically happens every year - everything seemed to be done at just the right time. Everyone was finally seated with my son at the head of the table when my sister handed me a candle. One by one we held the candle and spoke about Apu and how much we missed him. Everyone had a story and even though the food was cooling no one seem in a big hurry to rush the moment. I am immensely grateful for my wonderful family, for the gift of tradition, and the love we all share.
My brother, Ken, didn't feel well Thanksgiving morning and he almost didn't come - but he did. He knew how difficult this particular one would be for me - for all of us. As he held the candle he spoke of Apu with love and respect. He recalled the previous Thanksgiving when they'd both discussed challenges that Ken shared about his life. He shared with us that Apu stated in a non-judgmental but matter-of-fact way: "You know, Ken, if you always do things the same way, you'll never get a different result". Ken appreciated Apu's direct way of just saying things how he saw them - open, honest. I know my brother worries a lot, times are tough for all of us. He works hard and never feels completely caught up. If there wasn't enough to stress about, his boss suffered a major cardiac event this past weekend and ended up, near death, in the ICU. Ken has been so concerned about his boss as well as the future of his workplace. Today I got a call from this dear brother. His voice was full of emotion and I was fearful that his boss had taken a turn for the worse. He reported that this man was, in fact, doing better, but that he'd just had an experience that had shaken him in an unexpected way. He was at a job site near a place where my family used to live on the peninsula. He saw something fly to a pole close to where he was standing and he looked up to see an owl peering down at him. He has lived his whole life in that area and has never, ever seen an owl anywhere. He told me that he looked up at the owl and said my husband's name and the owl swivelled and looked straight at him and never budged. ....I'm just sayin'...... I am forever thankful for messages from beyond and brothers who believe in them.
The weekend was spent at the cabin with family and our good friend. It was magnificently beautiful and my heart was spilling the whole time. We had no running water - the intake is frozen somewhere, but we didn't really mind, oddly enough. We ate lots of fabulous food, walked and breathed in the icy air, frolicked in the snow, played cards, did I say we ate?, and also laughed a lot. I am thankful to be reminded of the luxuries that I often take for granted and for the tears of mirth that I'd almost forgotten I had.
I met an old women in the parking lot, this week, while I was shopping for the holiday. We were strangers but we both helped each other walk on the ice and snow. She looked at my jeep and commented at how well I must get around in it. I laughed has I related to her how much I hated it when my husband first got it. It was so impractical and too macho, but now I love it because it is so him....who he wanted to be. It didn't take long before we were both talking about our late husbands - hers has been gone a year. We hugged each other and she told me not to listen to people who tell me it will get better. "It doesn't get easier - you just learn to live with it. Keep busy, get in that thing and drive everywhere!" I found out she wasn't a customer of the supermarket, she was an employee. I am thankful for all the reminders that we are God's children and in this together; we need to remember to take care of one another.
I finished my final conferences with my students today. I've been so thankful for them this quarter; they've saved me. I closed my office door after the last one left and burst into tears. I thought I was doing better, but I seem to be regressing. I realized that I made it - I survived my first quarter without my go-to-guy. I wanted to celebrate, but with him! I am so thankful - so very grateful for all of the amazingly supportive, loving, fun, interesting, caring, and yes challenging years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes I had with you dear Apu....I miss you so.
Happy? - yes. Giving thanks? - always.....for really, aren't they one and the same?
Wishing all of you the most glorious holiday season from this past Thanksgiving all the way through the New Year. Love each other, be patient and kind, hug and kiss.....I would give anything....anything...
Recent Comments