Patti's Grace Notes

Widow Walk 4 Months 19 Days/365 Walks Complete!!!

 

I did it!!! I'm done! I walked for 365 days straight...in all possible terrains, some short, some long, some alone, others with companions (two and four legged) and often with a very heavy heart...but I managed to trudge forward and I think my Apu is proud of me - my own little marathon. It's such a small accomplishment, but he was so encouraging that in spite of our challenges I was hell bent on making some little trek each day, no matter how small. I did it for him, because he couldn't. I'd planned to write more of a review of the year of walks, but quite honestly I'm just not up to it - I'm sick. There is more than enough review material if you are really interested, just check under the "365 Walks" category on my blog's sidebar. The part that amazes me is how long I wrote EVERY DAY after walking! It was always about the exercise of writing rather than the physical part anyway...I think most of you knew that. I never dreamed I'd wind up writing about my journey as a widow, but my writing, along the way, shows the strain of Apu's illness. I have created quite a journal of our last year together - unintentionally. If I could just figure out how to archive it permanently, you know - just for me.

I had also intended on sharing more details of our "first" Christmas without him, but it was painful and we made it through - that about sums it up. Somehow I just can't see dragging you all through the agony of it - it's past. The miracle was that, except for Apu, we were all together in my oldest's new home in LA. Work schedules very nearly sabotaged us and I just don't think I could have handled Christmas without all of my children together - it was the greatest gift I could ever have. It wasn't a happy Christmas, but we weren't miserable either - we just endured. We had some happy moments, even some funny ones. Fortunately, humor will always see us through - dark as it can sometimes be.

I will tell one brief story - the acquiring of our Christmas tree. A tradition that once involved the whole family, a seemingly never-ending selection process (at one time a live tree that we'd then replant) followed by breakfast together. The whole decorating process was another group effort. This year my oldest and I were still trying to store unpacked moving boxes to allow for sleeping accommodations in her new digs. I'd arrived early to help prepare for the Christmas Eve onslaught and we'd receive daily inquiries as to just how much "it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" things were coming along? Two days before our Yuletide celebration we couldn't put off the "chore" of getting the tree up any longer. After considering the unthinkable (flocked vs artificial) we ended up in a Home Depot lot purchasing the first pine smelling thing we (literally) tripped over and scrambling to secure the last available (piece of crap) tree stand. Somewhere around midnight and a bottle of wine later, I asked if we should wait to let the baby of the family put on the final touch - the angel on top, our sacred tradition. I'd like to think it was the wine talking, but I believe it was pure exhaustion that fueled my eldest daughter's exasperated, "Give Me That Thing!" as she rammed the tree top up the rump of the sparkly-winged cherub. Well....that's done!

                                                                              Can always count on Mikey for a cuddle~ 

  So-sigh-here I am on the 2nd of January 2011, sick as a dog and not feeling even as opptimistic as I was 15 minutes ago (don't worry, it changes every 5 or so). I said I'd report early in the new year and a promise is a promise. I rang in the feast of "Sylvester" (as my husband knew it-click) in the way I like most, quiet-like, only this year was very, very different. Sorry gang, I can't dance around it...it just sucks. I'm quite certain videos of celebrations past did not help. There - now, you made me cry....happy? I have so much to be grateful for, and I am...it's just....I've earned a pity party and I aim to have it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I came home from LA nursing a bit of a respiratory infection along with the rest of the world. Airplanes are the most efficient giant petri dishes outside of a laboratory....so what did I expect? It hit me full blown these last couple of days and while I dragged myself out of bed yesterday to take the dogs to the beach in honor of my 365th WALK, I'm paying the price today. The house is a disaster (the kids came over for movies last night...dinner from cartons and popcorn! YUM!) I stayed in bed most of the day, with Mikey, sipping fluids and all of a sudden I couldn't live another minute without a fullsized banana spilt. That's right! I am admitting here publically that I pulled on clothes, did not shower (used deoderant but not the good kind with aluminum, only the natural kind that lets you sweat) and without makeup I shamelessly put the dogs in the car with me so they thought they were going somewhere and drove straight to the nearest Baskins & Robbins. I looked the young ice-cream-scooperman in the eye and I said, "I don't care if it is January 2nd and everyone is honoring their New Year's resolutions, slice me up some bananas topped with Jamoca Almond Fudge, Love Potion #31, and Gold Medal Ribbon - with the works! Please!" God love him - he didn't even blink as he said, "Don't worry, they'll all be back in here in a month!" I tucked Mikey under my jacket back in the car and he didn't care where we were going - he was so damned happy. He teaches me so much about the real values in life. Rufus just slobbered all over the windows, as usual. I think he was still happy about our late afternoon stroll on the dog beach the day before. Some things just have to hold you over.... that's a lesson that I'm still learning....
. 

"Please take us to the beach?"      "Maybe if we play nice?"             "Ah-h-h-h, yesss...."

 

May we all continue to be aware of our blessings throughout 2011 and beyond. Be healthy~

January 1st, 2011     Happy New Year~

Widow Walk 4 Months 14 Days/Be Of Good Cheer!

365 Walks/Day 344-362

I don't know where to begin. I know I've said that before, but I honestly don't. I have no idea where this post is headed and will be just as surprised at the end of it as you may be. I will first apologize for the long absence (if you have even noticed) but the good news is that I have been so completely occupied that I haven't had a moment to spare these last days before Christmas. 

 

Fortunately I managed to avoid most of the madness of the season depicted above, but there were moments. Right now I am sipping "White Christmas" tea from my new "hidden owl" tea cup (Truly, it's a big white porcelain cup with a 3 D owl nestled in the bottom of it.) as I think over the last month and how I've (we've) survived so far. 

Just about the time my quarter ended and I began to feel the first pangs of panic creep in, my buddy, Betsy, whisked me away to spend a night at the Captain Whidbey Inn up on Whidbey Island (click for info). She knows that this is a place very dear to me since my husband and I discovered it while sailing down Penn Cove, on an exquisite summer's day, nearly 34 years ago. There is more to this story, but I'll keep that part private. It is a most magical log inn with history spanning over 100 yrs. People travel from all over the world to find beauty like this and it's just up the creek from us. We arrived to discover that on this blustery December evening, less than two weeks before Christmas - we were the only guests! We also learned that the place is haunted - a fact revealed to me only after I got a very distinct chill down my spine while exploring the upper floor and then inquiring. The young proprietress simply looked at me with big eyes and said, "You felt it didn't you?" I was so excited, but more so as Betsy and I settled down to tea-for-two in the lobby and heard about all of the "activity". When we asked if our hostess was afraid to be there at night she told us, "not really - there are often many sounds in an old place like this, like the owl I heard hooting tonight!" Betsy and I jerked our heads toward each as if we'd just received an electric shock! "Owl? Are you sure?" "Oh yes" she answered, "And it's so unusual here - I've never heard an owl."....so then, we had a story for her.....

A festive Capt. Whidbey Inn. My husband and I dined at the table next to the window in '76.

I managed to do a little baking for the neighbors, despite Rufus' bold move on the kitchen counter where he demolished a lab's share - I couldn't believe it! Also, I made some special, meaningful gifts for the kids that were connected to their dad and did some shopping online (the only way to go) and had it shipped to my daughter's address in California. It was important for me to find a special way to memorialized my daughter-in-law's grandmother who died shortly after my husband. She was unable to travel to Romania for the burial service and I know this was a huge loss for her. I'd heard of a Star Registry where you can name an actual star after a loved one and I was able to have a special package delivered with a letter announcing the star's name, it's astrological coordinates, and a saying of my choosing.

 

I selected the verse by Mary E. Frye:

Do not stand at my grave and weep 
I am not there. I do not sleep. 
I am a thousand winds that blow. 
I am the diamond glints on snow. 
I am the sunlight on ripened grain. 
I am the gentle autumn rain. 
When you awaken in the mornings hush 
I am the swift uplifting rush 
Of quiet birds in circled flight. 
I am the soft stars that shine at night. 
Do not stand at my grave and cry 
I am not there. I did not die.

It was important to pick and choose the activities that I devoted my energies to. I wasn't always on target, but I tried to read myself as best as I could. I attended daily mass as often as possible. I know I looked horrible those mornings and I was very lost until I arrived there...then I felt at home. Everyone is different - this helps me more than I can say. I had a desire to 'give back' where ever I could. Any "Giving Tree" that I came across I picked a name of a child - in one case she was a 15 yr old with the same name as my oldest and I felt like I knew her as I looked for the perfect skinny jeans and zebra stripped 'Snugy' she'd requested. 

It was imperative to visit my siblings and life-long sisters-from-other mothers before I left for California. I didn't quite know how I'd fit it all in but I accomplished it. I naively thought I'd figure out how to download the last two years of video that I'd filmed of Apu onto my computer and then just...oh, burn some DVDs. By 4:30 in the morning three days before I was to wing south, I was tearfully aware that I was at risk of losing this precious film and gave up to exhaustion. The next day I found a place that promised they could do it and I was filled with gratitude when I picked up the pricey package early the next morning only to discover, upon arriving back at home, that there was no sound. ARrrgggghh!! What good were they without his beautiful accent? The helpful elves were very apologetic and said if I could return them there immediately they'd work on it throughout the night to have them ready in time. The problem was that I was running to catch a ferry to see my family and friends on the peninsula. I made a quick change of direction, jumped on the freeway with thousands of other Christmas-crazy people, dropped off my precious discs, hurled myself down to the Seattle ferry terminal where I made the boat by one slim minute (who needs sky diving?) and arrived in Bremerton much earlier than I would have by the other route. I was able to have some one-on-one time with a brother that, I discovered, really needed time with his big sis. (Thank you baby Jesus!) So you just have to trust in some things.

Childhood friends, Penny and Theresa, met me for a Christmas lunch and some precious 'catch-up' time before we went to our grade school parish for early evening mass. We were randomly approached in the entry of the church by an usher and asked to bring the "Gifts of the Faithful" to the altar at the offertory time of mass. There we were, we three grown-up women living separate lives, back together where it all began, walking with adult legs and childlike hearts to the altar that promised us so much all those years ago - and did not disappoint. As we bowed and offered our gifts, they were received by the assistant to the priest, Deacon Hamlin, known to us as "Billy" all eight years of parochial school that we shared with him. I felt the old Christmas then - It was a moment~

 

 

 

Never underestimate the gift of a "Snugy"!!

 

The last day before leaving for LA I still had to pack, pick up those #@%# DVDs at the camera store and meet Betsy and about a hundred of her family members (and I love them all) at the Sorrento Hotel for the famous Christmas Tea. Have I mentioned that I met my husband at the Sorrento? It has been an important location for all kind of celebrations in my life, non-the-least the place of my son and his wife's wedding reception two years ago. It's been at least 10 years since Betsy and I started meeting four or five of our closest friends there for the "Dickens's Christmas Caroler's Christmas Tea". Christmas at the Sorrento is so nostalgic and beautiful as it conjures up an old world charm, especially in the Fireside Room. How many perfect martini's my husband and I have sipped there!?! Well, our celebration has changed a bit over the years, but it is still very special and an event not to be missed - I wasn't about to! The carolers no longer perform there but we didn't need them as we sang our own Christmas songs, and danced, and laughed, and...yes, cried a little too.

Fireside Room at the Sorrento Hotel - Just oozes charm and memories.

The day was not complete yet! I headed east to Bellevue to the Christmas gathering of dear Slovak and Czech friends who are more like family - many whom I haven't seen since my husband died in August. It was very emotional for me as these people are of him....his language, his food and culture; the people we both love and who made him feel closest to his origins - the essence of him. I love them so and am so greatful that they still embrace me as one of them. I had to go home to pack, but left them reluctantly far too soon - until next time, drahí priatelia. Bozky!

As mindfully as I could, I completed my packing. Unable to travel light as I normally try to do, I managed to close my bags without too much effort, thankfully and didn't forget anything important. I haven't even started to share my journey to the land of colored-lights strewn palm trees....but stay tuned....maybe by the New Year...just maybe. A promise or a threat? I hope your Christmas was bright...we, after all, shine our own light. And now we know where this post was headed. Thanks for taking the journey with me. Bless....

Widow Walk 3 Months 27 Days/Walking In The Air

365 Walks - Day 337-343

As the rain pounds on the skylight above my head, I would like to humbly point out that I have walked for 343 days straight! That's not nothing, correct? I'm heading down the home stretch...if I can just hang in there a little longer. For me, this year, it might as well have been around the earth. I think I will always walk (God willing) it's become a part of me. Today Rufus and I enjoyed a drizzly one - he's my walking buddy. Mikey too, but a little more fragile. He's getting on in years and I need to be a bit more careful with him. Mike's a good listener though - he'll let me go on for minutes at a time, just looking at me-not even blinking.

Let me tell you, the holiday season is a killer for those who have recently lost a loved one - news flash, right? I know, but everyday (day in and day out) I am reminded of:

 

it stands to reason that these would be among the most difficult days, but you just can't prepare yourself for this. I don't begrudge people for their happiness of this season, honestly I don't; I just struggle engaging in it. Apu was such a part of Christmas. He tried to come off as "Bah Humbug", but he loved it. The artist in him wanted everything to be beautiful. We used to argue about it until I finally delegated some of the work of creating "Christmas Magic" and he soon realized that the memories of childhood take a lot of work to recreate. 

 

We combined our traditions to make very special ones of our own - ones that tug at our adult children's heart strings to this day, like most people. For example, we always celebrated St. Nicholas Day, or Stockings Day, on December 6th-it was the beginning of the season. Every year we'd fill our stockings sometime the night before with small gifts and lots of goodies. We'd wake up early the next morning and have hot chocolate before the fire as we'd dug deep into our home made Christmas stocking. The items were small, inexpensive, but the kids were as excited as if it were Christmas Eve. We never missed even if it meant that we had to get up very early before Apu left for the hospital and the kids to school. Before we put away the stockings after the holidays we'd each write a note to place in the toe - messages of hope, expectations, and curiosity to find there next year. We never missed, even if just we two, even last Christmas. I always knew it could be our last - I never thought it would...

 

Don't feel too badly for me-I do have some wonderful moments. My youngest (you know, the over worked, under paid....yatta, yatta...) came home this weekend for a mommie fix. My house was full of adult children, food, laughter, animals, and love. Betsy, Trish and I had a wonderful lunch at the Fairmont Olympic Hotel in Seattle. What a beautiful place that is at Christmas. If you haven't seen the lobby at this time of year - get yourself down there! Breathtaking. I enjoy meeting gal pals one-on-one for happy hour in my little town - that is so personal and very manageable for me. Attending the graduation, this week, of our most recent new nurses from our school, was a very proud moment.

 

Our amazing book club (GAB) held our annual "Pizza and Poems" at Wendy's home where we set down our novels once a year and pick up favorite poems to read aloud to each other. It's wonderful! I love these women - we nurture and support one another and encourage each other to read books we might not otherwise choose for ourselves. As our self appointed scribe these past eleven years, I've been remiss, of late, recording the fascinating books we've read in the last year. I'll try to rectify this after the holidays.

Tonight was a special celebration for a colleague and friend. Belle has recently completed her Masters Degree in Nursing while working nearly full time (did I mention that she is a wife and mother to boot!). I felt honored to be included in her circle of celebrants. I stopped in at another party before heading home, but this one was big and a little overwhelming for my current state so I stayed only for a short time. Husbands and wives were together, girlfriends and boyfriends, singles on the prowl; I'm sure there were a few like myself, just there on their own, but I didn't notice them. I almost fell down the stairs trying to get out of there without being noticed.

                                        Congratulations Belle!!!

Speaking of falling down: I fell hard coming out of a large store one dark and stormy night, this week, as I was heading to the parking lot. I looked up gaging the distance to my car, on-coming traffic, and the time it would take dodging the chilly rain drops. I glanced up to watch the progress of large truck as I stepped off of a high curb. The next thing I know I was lying in a puddle (not just a heap...a real rain-filled puddle) with my body full out on the pavement. For a moment I was dazed - couldn't believe I was really down there! I bounced up, sputtering as the driver of the big black truck stopped to ask if I was hurt? "Only my pride", I answered, but I lied. I wasn't badly hurt, but I was soaked to the skin and had scraped my hands and left knee. I was SO embarrassed and felt so stupid. I also realize how older people so easily break their hips. I then did what any self-respecting klutz would do...I drove myself across the street to the local Baskin and Robbins.

I could see that there was a family all lined up in there, but that didn't stop me. I led with my right side (the one still relatively dry). I had wiped off my bloody (just a little...even if tempted to exaggerate) palms and the parking lot grit from my jacket, but I could feel the water from my soaked slacks running down my leg. Nothing would stop me. I patiently waited as each of the several children (I was too miserable to count) received their chosen ice cream and smiled sweetly as the obviously overweight mother stated her rationale for allowing herself this special treat. I might have ordinarilly felt a bit smug, but I was in no position to feel superior. Part of my brain had registered that some transaction was missing, but the asian owner/manager/ice cream scooper extraodinaire looked at me expectantly so I boldly stepped up and announced my order: "I'd like a waffle cone with one scoop of peanut-butter/chocolate and one scoop of Oreo-Cookie....please." The happy family just stood there waiting and for a second I thought my recent brain injury had caused me to commit a faux pas. The clerk announced to no one in particular, "That will be $23.47." I'm quite certain that the look on my shocked face actually put color back in my cheeks as the plump mother stepped up with her credit card to pay. "Oh, sorry - I'm not with them", I protested. "No, it's ok. I told him to", she responded, "I wanted to buy it for you." I thanked her profusely explaining that I had done that in the past for others but had never had it happen to me...."Thank you, I promise to pay it forward." She told me that it was "no problem, I wanted to do it for you - you looked like you needed it."....at which I promptly burst into tears. I wouldn't have blamed them if they'd hustled their children quickly away from the crazy lady, but I managed to "squish, squish, squish" my way out of the door first. That kindness made my Christmas. My goal this Christmas is to pay it back every day.

So...you see, I'm ok.....sort of. I'm sitting here with one slipper on, my house in a Christmas mess (some things never change) and teary eyes. I'll share with you a song from one of Apu's and my favoritie Christmas shows we loved to watch with our children. I've also included my poem choice for "Pizza and Poems" this year. I couldn't read it - one of my GAB girls read it for me. We help each other out like that - it's what we do. Thanks Deb.

We miss you Apu, but you left us many wonderful, love-filled holiday memories which will make this first one without you a bit rough, but will live on and on and on and on....thank you for that.

 

   

Gone to the Unseen - Rumi

At last you have departed and gone to the Unseen.

What marvelous route did you take from this world?

Beating your wings and feathers,

you broke free from this cage.

Rising up to the sky
you attained the world of the soul.

You were a prized falcon trapped by an Old Woman.
 (Man) 
Then you heard the drummer's call
and flew beyond space and time.

As a lovesick nightingale, you flew among the owls.

Then came the scent of the rose garden
and you flew off to meet the Rose.

The wine of this fleeting world
caused your head to ache.

Finally you joined the tavern of Eternity.

Like an arrow, you sped from the bow

and went straight for the bull's eye of bliss.

This phantom world gave you false signs

But you turned from the illusion

and journeyed to the land of truth.

You are now the Sun -
what need have you for a crown?

You have vanished from this world -
what need have you to tie your robe?

I've heard that you can barely see your soul.

But why look at all? -
yours is now the Soul of Souls!

O heart, what a wonderful bird you are.

Seeking divine heights,

Flapping your wings,
 you smashed the pointed spears of your enemy.

The flowers flee from Autumn, but not you -
You are the fearless rose 
that grows amidst the freezing wind.
Pouring down like the rain of heaven
 you fell upon the rooftop of this world.

Then you ran in every direction
 and escaped through the drain spout . . .

Now the words are over
 and the pain they bring is gone. 
Now you have gone to rest 
in the arms of the Beloved.

 

Widow Walk 3 Months 19 Days/Tis The Season

365 Walks-Day 334-336

I'll be honest - it's going to be a tough Christmas. I'll have to really work on the Jolly part, but I promise to give it a chance.

 

I came across this incredibly talented little 7 yr old girl. She lost her mom to ovarian cancer two years ago and I am very touched by her beautiful gospel voice. She is so young to have suffered such loss and still she finds the courage to sing like an angel.

The days are flying by so fast. Christmas will be here before we know it and I have much to accomplish before I wing my way south to LA for Christmas with my family. We've decided that it is very important for us to not only be together, but to have our environment and activities be unlike our usual customs - for this year at least. I'm sure we'll still try to make our traditional Christmas Eve dinner, but we are trying to think of things that will distract us from the weight of our loss. It's not possible to avoid completely, of course, Apu was such a part of our little rituals, but with some effort we might find some fun in the sun. Maybe instead of dressing formally for dinner we'll wear our pajamas. We're thinking of a Christmas day bicycle trip with a picnic on the beach - now that's different. Maybe we'll just stay in bed and order Chinese take out - we'll see, sigh.

 

My son and daughter-in-law came over today to help me put some lights up around the house. I am forcing myself to engage in this season at least a little, but my heart's just not in it. I wanted to put the lights up mostly for my neighbors - to cheer them and also so they won't worry about me - you know, sitting in the dark (lol-I can be so pathetic). I have to admit it was more cheerful coming home tonight - a little bittersweet, but comforting.

Rufus and I have been walking everyday, but it's just been a little too cold for Mikey (the wuss). Although these treks have been close to home and short, they are among the few times that I like my old self - carefree, light-hearted. I cautiously shared with my grief counselor (afraid he'd bring out the little jacket that laces up the back - not a good look) the strange sensation that I occasionally have of sort of observing myself from some distant vantage point - not exactly out-of-body, but almost. I was so relieved when he told me that this is perfectly normal-a way of disassociating myself from my ordeal, a way of coping. He let me know what things he was looking for when evaluating me (ability to create a narrative, feeling of release after crying, getting out of bed, dressing, engaging, basically functioning etc., and he believes that although I'm having a rough time I'm processing things okay. When I describe the sadness, emptiness, the painful ache of loss - of just "missing him so much", he said, "this is what grief looks like and it isn't pretty." So we've agreed that I don't need to make set appointments anymore; I'll just call if I think I need a visit. Silly how that feels like a promotion of some kind - not exactly graduation, but maybe a move to the head of the class? What did people do before therapy? I guess maybe they went out and ploughed the back 40 then killed a big chicken for dinner. We probably just have too much time on our hands - too much time to think and remember....

I just keep moving forward, filling my calendar days, writing my "to do" lists, and I walk. Right foot, left foot, right foot, left - maybe I'll just walk myself through this holiday season and into the new year, past a few more heart tugs, a couple more "Firsts. I wonder if the "Seconds" will be any easier. Fa la la la La-la La- La La 

 

 

Widow Walk 3 Months 16 Days/Giving Happy Thanks

365 Walks Day 318-333

I guess I can still say that since it is the last day of November. Happy?-? Giving thanks? - yes.

I know, I've been MIA for a little while. I returned from LA both emotionally and physically spent. I helped my oldest daughter move into her new home and also drove a rental car up the coast to Santa Barbara and then east to Los Olivos (a little adventure-take the 90 to the 405 to the 101 to the 154) to spend a couple of days with my youngest, you know, the horse doctor. All she does is work and try to sleep a little. It's called an internship and just like in medicine it's sort of the road test to see what you are really made of. Their faces (whole body?) are rubbed in it 18 hours a day (one day off a week, one week-end off a month) and then asked the question: Do you want to do this your whole life? It's a bit numbing.

They both wanted to talk to their father to discuss the next phase of each of their lives....I was a woeful substitute who could only move boxes for one and cook for the other. I drove all the way back to LA in a blinding rain storm. I guess they don't believe in RainX or new wipers in Southern California. Since the moving truck was coming that Saturday with 80% chance of rain in LA, I prayed all the way down the coast that the rain would stop. It's not civilized, comforting rain like in the Northwest where we all continue our normal routines rain or shine - no, it's a hateful, torrential downpour that clogs all of the streets and make people act crazy. As I checked in with my eldest on my route south I kept urging her to get the movers, well - moving since the flood gates where following on my very heels. She calmly and cheerfully said, "don't worry mom, Apu won't let it rain - not until my last piece of furniture is moved in my new house. ...and you know what? That's exactly what happened - last item safely placed; heavens opened up! I am very grateful for my two girls.

So I headed to LAX exhausted and surly. I wanted to be home in my bed and not have the inconvenience of a 2 and a half hour flight delay that from happening. I boarded the plane only to have a woman sitting in my seat. Her boyfriend/husband asked me if that was my seat and when I confirmed that it was, he wondered if I'd mind sitting in front of them in the window seat. I specifically ordered the aisle and was not happy, but I believe in karma and grumbled my way to the place in front of them. My reward was the completely delightful, bumbling, incredibly interesting Boeing Engineer named Jack (10 yrs my Jr., don't worry) who sat next to me and who is now my new bff. We are email buddies - no kidding. So you see, you just never can tell how things will turn out. We were both laughing and crying by the end of the trip and I'm sure the two double gin and tonics had nothing to do with it. Can you imagine how lovely the journey would have been sitting next to the man whose wife I'd just tossed out of my seat? I was thankful for Jack.

I had telephoned my son earlier in the day to let him know that I would get a shuttle from the airport once I'd arrived in Seattle. He's just started a new shift at work and now has to work Mondays. Once I realized that, I knew he would have a very early morning (up at 4:30a) and since my flight was getting in at 10pm I just couldn't hear of him picking me up. I bid Jack farewell, promising to find him a good wife for his retirement years, and was on my way to the transportation deck when I got the text that not only was my son waiting for me, but my daughter-in-law as well. I knew I'd raised that boy right, but still I am very thankful for him and his amazing wife. 

The forecast was full of snow for the next day and I was mentally kicking myself for not getting the studded tires put on before I left for California. I had a busy week ahead with work, preparing student evaluations for final conferences and preparing for Thanksgiving, where? - oh yeah, my house! I woke early Monday morning and as I let Mikey and Rufus out to take care of their morning business I saw the first flakes fall. HOLY CRAP!!! I threw my clothes on, tossed the big ol' fat (mounted as in weigh a ton!) studded tires in the jeep and flew out of the house to be at the tire shop before they opened. Only the manager and two older ladies were there ahead of me. The snow was really falling by then and I'd already had a call from work discussing options for the day. The little ladies and I settled ourselves in the waiting room as the place exploded into action. The cute little grease monkeys began showing up for work full of stories of mischief and mayhem out on the slippery streets. The phone was ringing off the hook and truck drivers were "just stopping by" to see if they could work themselves into the "line-up". As long as they didn't mess with me and my roller derby besties - these two gray-haired darlings all bundled up for the season. One commented to me, "I'm not going to get stuck at home." You go girl! I am thankful for the snow holding off until I landed safely home and for the Factory Direct Tire guys keeping a cheerful countenance during their own personal day from hell.

 

I got a little reprieve since work got cancelled and managed to get a jump start on my student evaluations. I did my Thanksgiving grocery shopping and even snagged a 25lb turkey for my friend Betsy. The next day, instead of working and preparing at home like I should have, Betsy and I took her (and my...but don't tell her) grand-kids to see the movie "Tangled". We ate hot dogs and popcorn and wore 3-D glasses and were still out of the theater in time to make pretty decent snow angels. I am so thankful for snow days, the last two big turkeys in the case, for my friend Betsy, her grandchildren who helped me remember the magic of snow angels.

I cried all Thanksgiving morning as I stuffed and prepared my big ole turkey by myself. This was never Apu's holiday - it was mine. He was the cook in our family, but this meal was the one I did every year for my family. I have five brothers and sisters and over the years crowds could get pretty large at our house. We're a boisterous bunch and love to all be cooking in the kitchen together, talking, and tasting with a football game blaring, but the early Thanksgiving morning belonged to Apu and me. I'd prepare the stuffing, but he'd be over my shoulder with suggestions while he'd help me fill the bird. Of course I'd always need help lifting it into the pan and I could never quite figure out his fancy digital thermometer so he'd patiently teach me once again. We'd sip our coffee and just be grateful for each other. Yes, I sobbed big crocodile tears and our turkey was a bit more salty this year. I popped it in the oven, blew my nose and left for mass. I am so very thankful for my faith.

Slowly family arrived and the house filled with warmth, laughter, and good smells. We all shared in the preparation of our feast and as magically happens every year - everything seemed to be done at just the right time. Everyone was finally seated with my son at the head of the table when my sister handed me a candle. One by one we held the candle and spoke about Apu and how much we missed him. Everyone had a story and even though the food was cooling no one seem in a big hurry to rush the moment. I am immensely grateful for my wonderful family, for the gift of tradition, and the love we all share.                                          
                                                                                                                                                                                     

My brother, Ken, didn't feel well Thanksgiving morning and he almost didn't come - but he did. He knew how difficult this particular one would be for me - for all of us. As he held the candle he spoke of Apu with love and respect. He recalled the previous Thanksgiving when they'd both discussed challenges that Ken shared about his life. He shared with us that Apu stated in a non-judgmental but matter-of-fact way: "You know, Ken, if you always do things the same way, you'll never get a different result". Ken appreciated Apu's direct way of just saying things how he saw them - open, honest. I know my brother worries a lot, times are tough for all of us. He works hard and never feels completely caught up. If there wasn't enough to stress about, his boss suffered a major cardiac event this past weekend and ended up, near death, in the ICU. Ken has been so concerned about his boss as well as the future of his workplace. Today I got a call from this dear brother. His voice was full of emotion and I was fearful that his boss had taken a turn for the worse. He reported that this man was, in fact, doing better, but that he'd just had an experience that had shaken him in an unexpected way. He was at a job site near a place where my family used to live on the peninsula. He saw something fly to a pole close to where he was standing and he looked up to see an owl peering down at him. He has lived his whole life in that area and has never, ever seen an owl anywhere. He told me that he looked up at the owl and said my husband's name and the owl swivelled and looked straight at him and never budged. ....I'm just sayin'...... I am forever thankful for messages from beyond and brothers who believe in them.

The weekend was spent at the cabin with family and our good friend. It was magnificently beautiful and my heart was spilling the whole time. We had no running water - the intake is frozen somewhere, but we didn't really mind, oddly enough. We ate lots of fabulous food, walked and breathed in the icy air, frolicked in the snow, played cards, did I say we ate?, and also laughed a lot. I am thankful to be reminded of the luxuries that I often take for granted and for the tears of mirth that I'd almost forgotten I had.

I met an old women in the parking lot, this week, while I was shopping for the holiday. We were strangers but we both helped each other walk on the ice and snow. She looked at my jeep and commented at how well I must get around in it. I laughed has I related to her how much I hated it when my husband first got it. It was so impractical and too macho, but now I love it because it is so him....who he wanted to be. It didn't take long before we were both talking about our late husbands - hers has been gone a year. We hugged each other and she told me not to listen to people who tell me it will get better. "It doesn't get easier - you just learn to live with it. Keep busy, get in that thing and drive everywhere!" I found out she wasn't a customer of the supermarket, she was an employee. I am thankful for all the reminders that we are God's children and in this together; we need to remember to take care of one another.

I finished my final conferences with my students today. I've been so thankful for them this quarter; they've saved me. I closed my office door after the last one left and burst into tears. I thought I was doing better, but I seem to be regressing. I realized that I made it - I survived my first quarter without my go-to-guy. I wanted to celebrate, but with him! I am so thankful - so very grateful for all of the amazingly supportive, loving, fun, interesting, caring, and yes challenging years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes I had with you dear Apu....I miss you so.

Happy? - yes. Giving thanks? - always.....for really, aren't they one and the same? 

Wishing all of you the most glorious holiday season from this past Thanksgiving all the way through the New Year. Love each other, be patient and kind, hug and kiss.....I would give anything....anything...

   

Oh Miracles Of Life

I don't even know where to begin. I am cruising at 37,000 ft on my way to my girls in Cali. I'm sitting next to Rob, my new bff, sipping a bloody good Bloody Mary, listening to gypsy music (crying just a little, and writing my first airborne blog. What a world!!
It's been a pretty good week, all in all. I took my son, daughter-in-law, and dear friends Betsy & Don to a biker bar called Slims Last Chance for the best, world-class chili west of the Mississippi. My dear friends, Suzanne & Susie took me there earlier in the week and I'm hooked!!
Saturday we celebrated the wedding of my friend, Diane's, son. There is nothing more sublime than young love, as I am reminded by the gypsy song I'm listening to at the moment, "Dance Me To The End Of Love", one of my dear late-husband's favorite's. It was a happy time and I got to dance...how I love to dance. When the tune, "When a Man Loves a Woman" was played by the wonderful band, I retired myself to a quiet corner to sip my champagne and remember for just a moment. School is slowing down just a bit as we all focus on the finish line at the end of the quarter. I still have a lot to do, but a little more time to do it in which is great! I may just suffocate under all the paperwork I have from home and work.
The pups are taken care of for a few days and while I'll continue walking they'll have to wait for my return. I feel a little guilty, but not too much - Dr. David said this trip is good for my wounded soul. Thanks to all of your looking out for my house and home-canine and fowl. Stay tuned for updates from the air and the road. Over and out! Attendants, prepare for landing.

Widow Walk 2 Months 28 Days/Simple Gifts

365 Walks-Day 311-315

 

Writing these past few days has been a struggle. Many thoughts and emotions are churning as I'm sure you can imagine. I'm up and down but the highs and the lows seem less intense. The hard, cold reality is beginning to settle in for real. This is life without my husband - forever.

These can't be easy pages to read. If I settle myself long enough to write it feels ultimately therapeutic, but I fear I have lost of few readers because of it. It can't be helped - it is what it is (one of my least favorite cliches of all time), but I have also gained several from all over the place. One new, loyal follower is a widow from New York who shares my name - how cool is that? After reading my blog she sent me a quote from Khalil Gibran:
"....You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you...."

She did not know that Gibran is one of my favorite poets (he was so much more) and she had no way of knowing that the entire "The Prophet on Marriage", where that passage is from, was read at our wedding (unless this is really you, Aunt Gloria). Little miracles - simple gifts keep me going.

People continue to contact me and send me things although, as expected, the flurry is slowing down. Wendy sent me one of my favorite cards:

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."
I don't think you can know how much these gestures mean to me. For any of you out there who feel helpless to ease others in pain and loss (I'm not asking for myself, for I am well taken care of) don't hesitate to follow through on even the slightest passing thought of remembrance - it can change a person's whole day, even if you think they are overwhelmed with kindness.

Rosemary (you know who you are) continued to send my son cards regularly following his horrible accident in 2003 - long after all the calls and well-wishing stopped. They were just brief lines of concern and caring - little hugs in an envelope. I don't think I ever let her know what they meant; I hope I am doing that now.

I stumbled in the backdoor of my friend Thalia's, on Halloween, to greet her son, Rob, (my skiing buddy) in my Princess Leia get-up (he's kinda nerdy that way -which I LOVE). The reward for my effort was, "Oh, I keep forgetting to give you this", says Thalia as she presses a beautiful baby blue, pearl rosary into my hand that she brought all the way from Rome. For me!-the one who sleeps with rosaries (I know...whatever brings us comfort, right?) and says at least one a day. I carry them around like worry beads, collect them from all over the world - how did she know?

This past weekend was more than a simple gift....it was a treasure. It was a trip home; a journey to the heart of me. Many of you know of my "sisters of the heart" (I am blessed with a few-more than my fair share) that I've known since childhood.(newbies click here) Theresa and her husband, Tim, invited me to spend the weekend with them.

They live in an old water-front farmhouse on the Kitsap Peninsula. The ferry from Vashon Island literally docks in their front yard. Their yellow lab, Pad, invited Rufus and Mikey and it was clear he had no idea what he was in for (apparently no one thought to consult their cat, Squinty (it's short story)). The joy! I can't even begin to express the happiness I felt to not only stay with them, but to have my big ol' slobbery chocolate lab and my crotchety, elderly chihuahua welcomed as well. Who does that?

 

I managed to fit in a quick drive-by hug from a sister, brunch with a brother, a walk on the beach, and evening mass at my childhood parish - all filling my wounded soul full up. I knew that the other member of our 'la femme musketeers', Penny, was due back from her trip to Italy at any moment. I'd completely written off any possibility of connecting with her, but that didn't stop us 'Star Of The Sea' school girls from visiting Penny's mama - one of our surrogate childhood mothers. It was all a conspiracy! Just before mass time in walks Margaret Louise (aka, Penny due to her once copper locks) fresh from Rome bearing gifts from the Pope (can you whisper Apostolic Blessing?)! It was all nearly too much for my over-stretched heart - very close, but not quite. We dragged her back to the farmhouse with us for a fall-harvest dinner but couldn't convince her to sleep over. We worried until she telephoned us that she hadn't fallen asleep on the stormy drive home. The comfort of her own, abandoned bunk was beckoning (say that fast five times), but the gift of those few, jet-lagged hours was beyond precious to us, her life-long companions.

As hard has the rain pounded on the ancient roof over my canine laden bed, the sun shone with equal determination the following morning. I woke to puppy licks, a clear blue sky, the sound of the ferry departing it's dock, and the aroma a fresh brewed coffee - is this heaven? After a breakfast of blueberry pancakes and huckleberry syrup (my gift) Theresa and I took the dogs to walk the waterfront in Port Orchard that overlooks my childhood home - Bremerton. She proudly showed me her and Tim's pride and joy, a Bayliner cruiser that sleeps 6 (in beds!), named ILLAWARA ILLUKA - an aboriginal name meaning 'Evening by the Lake' (ok, long story). We toured it inside and out while she chattered on about things to do in it and places to go, and how fun it is and how many people can fit on it.....and then she stopped and put her arm around me and said, "What I'm trying to say is that we love you and want you to be with us whenever you can. You are our family and we'll always be here for you." The lump rose in my throat as I fumbled for words of gratitude and all I could come up with is, "But can I bring the dogs?"

I reluctantly loaded the pooches and bid my farewell but my journey wasn't yet complete. I stopped on my way home to see my cousin, Wanda and her family, the one who shared the last lunch with us just before my husband's fatal fall. She and her husband will forever share this bond with me and she helped me reconstruct those last moments I spent with my sweetie so I have that memory accurately etched in my mind - what we ate, what we spoke about, how he looked...everything that I couldn't trust myself to recall.

Simple gifts? I don't think so. There is nothing plain, or basic about them. Each of them is devinely inspired, in my mind. As the song, "Simple Gifts" suggests - to be placed just right, in the Valley of Love and Delight just might eventually help me to 'come down to where I ought to be' to not be ashamed to 'bow and bend' in pain and grief and just maybe all will, one day, come 'round right.

 

Widow Walk 2 Months 22 Days/Sun And Clouds

365 Walks-Day 305-310

 

I don't think anyone has considered me to be a moody person, but when I saw this video clip I recognized myself. This is who I am these days; this is how I feel. I find myself waiting to write until I feel more my 'old' self, but I don't think that is very fair to those who follow me - or very honest.

My days are light and dark, but mostly varying shades of gray. As I try to report, I have amazing moments with friends and family; I feel truly loved. After walking the dogs in the rain last night, I went to the Cinebarre ("eat, drink and watch movies") with one of my spiritual guides (and dear friend), Pan. The outing followed two long teaching days at the hospital and it was a welcome diversion - I didn't have to face my echoing walls for too long. I was so afraid she'd want to take me to see "After Life", but I should have known that my friend has better sense than that. We went to see RED" I'm still laughing. All that, a beer and greasy food too! Thank you Pan.

 

Before bed I had a long 'Skype call' with my amazing sister-in-law who lives in Stockholm. We cried together and remembered a most incredible man who we both miss beyond belief. We find solace and relief in our bonded grief. Sun and clouds - light and dark.

Have you ever tried to put in contact lenses while the tears are flowing? It's rather like a salmon trying to swim upstream - a challenge to be certain. Some don't make it - salmon that is, but I will for I am not alone....even though, when the clouds come, it feels like it....

 

 

 

Widow Walk 2 Months 17 Days/Princess Of The Galaxy

365 Walks - Day 303-304

 

For being royalty, she had it kind of rough even though she had her moments. I'm not even close to being a princess although I've felt like one, on occasion, lately. I continue to get calls, cards, food, and invites regularly. I kind of expected things to die down by now, but they haven't and if I play my cards right this might continue on into perpetuity. It's very therapeutic to be pampered. I've even received some encouragement from people I don't know who follow my blog. It's all greatly appreciated and certainly mostly undeserved. 

Saturday night I enjoyed such a fun sleep over with my dear sister-friend, Betsy, and her grand-daughter, Piper. I am so lucky to be loved by this wise little 6 yr old girl. We had dinner, talked, laughed, sang, danced, watched a movie (sort of...in between all of the above) and even wrestled (or was it Kung Foo?). We grandmotherly types were exhausted hours before she was, but finally we donned our night-time finery and headed to the huge king-size bed. There we got tickles, back-rubs, bedtime stories and lullabys. Just before we nodded off into slumber-land, Piper interrupted my last song, the one that still makes my adult children weep, to tell me this:
"Patti, I was talking with my mommy and I just want you to know what even though Apu has died and isn't here anymore, he is still with you. That's why he sends you and your family the owls. They are messingers letting you know that Apu's heart is still with you". Out of the mouth of a 6 yr old! With that she said good night and snuggled against her grandma. For once in my life I was speechless. (for owl references-click here)

I have had one title bestowed on me in the last month that honored me greatly and, God help me, I've taken it a bit to heart. About a month ago I was invited to dinner with my friends, Sharon and Ron, to their daughter's home. Their 13yr old grandson, Jacob, is autistic. Most of us know that autism is a developmental disorder that affects the brain's normal development of communication and social skills and has quite a range of degree. I don't know Jacob well or where he is on the spectrum but all though he is capable of much and engages individuals in varying degrees he lives largely in his own world and I occupy zero space in it. He is very taken by fantasy movies, computer games, and cartoons and has taken to identifying most of the people he feels close to with these favorite characters. For example he calls his father Commander, as in Cobra Commander from GI Joe. His brother is Sponge Bob, his grandfather is King Mufasa, and his grandmother is the only cross-gender character, Luke Skywalker. 

As I greeted Jacob that night Sharon told him my name, but asked what he wanted to call me, thinking he'd have a character in mind. He looked at me, rather through me and just walked off. I was a bit relieved. I have a nephew who is autistic and am somewhat protective. I have no idea how the world is perceived by these individuals, but I can only imagine that their perception is greatly altered and I certainly didn't want Jacob to feel pressured to label me. A bit later I was standing in the kitchen and he walked up to me and just touched my arm in a very intriguing manner. It wasn't inappropriate or menacing, more curious like he was trying to analyze the essence of me. I just stood very still and we sort of looked at each other and then, without a word, he moved on. H-m-m-m, I thought....just h-m-m. A short time later we all sat down to dinner and Jacob, wearing special desensitizing earphones, wolfed his food down and politely asked if he could play on the computer for awhile. I finished my dinner, visited with the family and then time came for me to leave. Jacob's mom called for him to come bid me farewell and again I felt guilty invading his private space. Without complaint he left his computer, put his hand out to me and said, "Goodbye Princess Leia".

 I was so proud! I felt very honored - I mean, Princess Leia! She is one classy, strong, bad-ass female who doesn't give up without a fight. There is a lot to be learned from her and I could have done a lot worse. I'm quite sure I walked to my car just a tad bit taller and with more than just a little attitude. I'd ordered my Princess Leia costume by the end of the week. 

Sharon is one of the best grandmothers I know and she never misses a chance to celebrate with her grand-kids - actually she is just a big kid herself. I invited myself on the trip up to her daughter's house to "trick or wine" and check out the kids before they went out to hit up the neighbors. I was a little nervous about wearing my costume for Jacob and consulted with Sharon first. I certainly didn't want to trigger anything - who knows how these things work. My own hold on reality is just a little thin these days. I needn't have worried because it didn't matter what galaxy he was in, it was clear when Jacob saw me that he was over the moon! As I walked in to greet him (all decked out as Sponge Bob) he murmured, "Princess Leia!" with such awe that I felt completely in my element. I WAS Princess Leia, dammit!

I have moments outside of my sorrow that are truly blissful. I feel blessed that I can realize these periods and cherish the precious time with special people who clearly have challenges of their own. I may not have an entire empire to defend and preserve (then again I just might) but I can tell you that there are so many individuals that I owe my current level of sanity and emotional stability. While there are those who may argue exactly was that is at any given moment, I have felt the love, protection, and dare I say elevation to royal status of those who care about me. And should I worry that the one I miss most has forgotten me I need only wait for the appearance of his next message reminding me that his heart is with me. This is what I found on Jacob's back porch:

May The Force Be With You~

 

 

 

Widow Walk 2 Months 15 Days/Embrace The Challenge

365 Walks - Day 295-302

I don't know whether to be thrilled by the fact I passed the 300th walking day or be freaked out that it's 56 days until Christmas. Do you know that if you click here you can actually post a Christmas "count down" clock - misery loves company! 

I can't believe that it's been 7 whole days since I last posted; I have been walking though, I promise. The strolls at the cabin last weekend were a bit longer than the last time I was there and I felt more brave regarding the bears, maybe because my brother was with me (like he'd be much help), or because I was armed with mace and an air-horn (which would probably just piss them off). We didn't have any Ursidae sightings, but our neighbors who reside lakeside have. We were told that as long as we weren't out after dark that we should be ok- operative word "should". I would love to see a video of me letting the dogs out in the early morning...., "Helloooo? Shooo Mr. Bear....yooHoooo", as I slowly open the cabin door and tip toe outside looking around 360 like a scared chicken. Truth be known I'd probably frighten off any self respecting carnivore with my getup, fondly referred to by my children as my 'cabin-line' which is made up of every cast off piece of clothing that I've ever owned since the 80's. My sleep wear is the best part usually consisting of mixed colors, crazy prints and most likely made of flannel - complete with knee socks. Very tempting!

My brother, Ken, and niece, Kendall, (his pride and joy...can you tell?) made the alpine journey with me and the dogs and we had a fun, restful time. A stop at Zeke's on the way up the mountain for a world class hamburger is a must and once there we check off our list: Autumn walks, crackling fire, soaks in the hot tub, and lazy mornings. The lake was a resplendent view as I bubbled away in the 101 degree spa waiting for 'the K's' to prepare brunch. Kendall made her, now famous, 'Dutch Baby' along side her dad's fluffy omelets - my mouth waters just thinking about it.

Ken, not me~

We  tried to distract ourselves as we nervously awaited the news of my son's efforts in the San Diego Triathlon on Sunday. I knew he was a little anxious about the 1.25 mile ocean swim, especially after the fatal shark attack just up the coast in Santa Barbara a few days earlier. We tried a little gallows humor by pointing out that they seem to favor legs, but that didn't go over so well. We needn't have worried since he not only survived the swim, but did better than many of the able bodied participants. He refused assistance and climbed the stairs from the beach to the start of the 13.1 mile running (racing wheelchair) portion of the competition and although he had a flat tire right off the gun, delaying his start 5 mins behind the others - he beat everyone in his heat. I think he has the heart (and the biceps) of a champion. Well done! - your father is beaming from above.

 

I just completed two full 10 hr days at the hospital with my students. I walked the halls of seven floors and two of the elevators were out of commission so my thighs feel the burn from the stairs (I should try that more often). My students will soon complete a leg of their own personal endurance test and I feel proud to be their coach. It's been busy, but a good week; I accomplished a lot. In addition to work, I voted and fixed my shower faucet after only 4 trips to the plumbing supply store. I am proud of myself, but I'm tired. I guess, in a way, I'm finding myself in a sort of 'Iron Man' (woman?) of my own. I thought I'd been well trained since I've endured many trials, but in truth, the course is tougher than I ever imagined. I've learned a few lessions from my son, however. The run down the hill doesn't come without the hard work of pushing oneself over the crest first. Pain comes with the effort, but the sweet feeling of pride of accomplishment, not to mention survival, is the reward. If he can do it - then just maybe I, too, can embrace the challenge.