Oh my gosh I am not kidding - I ran around the house chasing Scout till she was gasping (or was that me?). Then I fixed her a snack and STILL she is sitting at the foot of my chair with her pet squirrel in her mouth and growling for me to throw it. Honestly, I get no peace.
Okay, I have her settled on my lap for a few seconds but she's licking vsdrefgsa;jaa (oops) the keyboard. Oh, if I hurry I have a second while she's chewing on her own tail. Ow, Scout -that's me!
Ughhh- Well you see the harassment I'm under, and I'm not exaggerating. I really just wanted to mention that I continue to find value in this book, The Year Of Magical Thinking. Even though I purchased it for myself I found it in a pile of books well meaning friends got for me throughout the last year - now I have two. I guess we've just got to wait until we're ready for these things.
I'm reading where Joan refers to work by Melanie Klein, "Mourning and Its Relation to Manic-Depressive States," where she states that "The mourner is in fact ill, but because this state of mind is common and seems so natural to us, we do not call mourning an illness....." Klein puts her conclusion more precisely,"I should say that in mourning the subject goes through a modified and transitory manic-depressive state and overcomes it." I love the "overcomes it" part.
Didion goes on to describe that this is where the magical thinking part comes in....the next few months she waited for her husband to return...
She sites several examples of "warning flags" that should have been noticed and mine were not far off. She posted obituaries but could not read them and was disturbed that she had allowed other people think her husband was dead. I wouldn't even post an obituary and now I understand why. I returned correspondence with the Medical Society and requested they stop sending my husband renewal notices. I explained why. Several months later a former colleague who has moved out of the area found out about his death by reading it in the Medical Society's journal. I remember thinking, "How dare they tell them that." Even that remote made it a bit too real.
Another similarity we have is the cleaning out of our loved one's closet. She speaks of particular items and the memory connected with them. The well-intentioned offers of help to do this and, of course, the resistance. I was especially struck when she spoke of her husbands shoes. I thought it was just me - my sensitivity to his shoes because they were his one submission to any sartorial tendency. That and the fact that together we braved our son's closet following the horrific accident that claimed both of his legs. Never did it occur to me that I just might think he'd need them if he was to return.
I know what I'm saying...I know our Apu is dead, but that is the thing about magical thinking.......you can know a thing to be true and act otherwise. It's a long road this is...and it's my journey. I've emptied his closet yes, but recently I discovered that I did in fact leave behind one pair of shoes.
You are so right Nathalie, all of these life experiences change us. If we are diligent and are open to it we may alter in ways that ultimately make us more real, more sensitive to others...better somehow.
Posted by: Patti's Grace Notes | December 08, 2011 at 11:18 PM
Thanks Patrice!
Posted by: Patti's Grace Notes | December 08, 2011 at 03:05 PM
Thomas Merton is worth reading too!-Patti
Posted by: Pat-E | December 08, 2011 at 11:50 AM
I think I might pick up a copy of that book to share with a few lovely friends who are various stages of magical thinking ... just so they know they are okay no matter where they are on this very personal journey. I think there is a tendency to assume that because something is common our experiences with them should be similar or common as well. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I'm thinking things like death of loved ones, grief that follows, labor and delivery the changes that follow ... all of it. We are none of us the same ... there is however joy in the recognition of ourselves, our reactions and emotions, in others ... xoxoxoxo
Posted by: nathalie | December 08, 2011 at 10:36 AM
Yes, ladies...It is true that the emotions will be what they are - no use fighting them. And I find the magical thinking comforting, I just don't share it with many people. They already think I'm nuts. I saw something with his handwriting on it today and I missed him so much. I saw that and thought...ah, there you are. It's so very difficult and yet expected to be such a natural part of life. Breathing is natural, but sometimes, lately, I have to talk myself through each breath. Thanks for all of your comments. p
Posted by: Patti's Grace Notes | December 05, 2011 at 11:05 PM
Patti: You cannot intellectualize emotional stuff! "Scouts Honor"!Where would most human beings be --without believing in "magic",and "miracles",and "characters" in books,and movies--that we so "identified",and "lived" with in our own personal pain!? Yes--truth is stranger than fiction,many times!Only God's power,and mercy can sustain...Blessings-Pat-E
Posted by: Patti | December 05, 2011 at 03:07 PM
knowing myself from dealing with parents passing I had to fight the magical thinking as I went thru it. I was chastisized for not calling people after not sleeping for the last 3 yrs and not at all the last 48hrs...think I will stop fighting the magical thinking...go back to thinking he is down at the other house. Now where did I put that wand?...
Posted by: Diane Smith | December 04, 2011 at 07:13 PM
Yes Jim - you've got it now - that's exactly it. I do have my hands full but that too is magical. I love her so much its scary. :)
Posted by: Patti's Grace Notes | December 04, 2011 at 10:29 AM
Hmmm...magical thinking...I get it now. Does that maybe include being reluctant to move things that were last touched by your loved one? Thanks for sharing this Patti.
Looks like you've got your hands full (literally) with Scout. I know that feeling too :)
Posted by: Jim | December 04, 2011 at 06:32 AM