Walking Solo/Holding Very Tight

 

I just returned from a concert in a surrounding much like this, with family and friends, and with a similar atmosphere. It was a "Celtic Christmas" and it was beautiful and peaceful - just what I needed. 

I read my post from a year ago just about this date - It was a pretty sad period. It's still difficult, of course, especially late at night alone in a near empty supermarket listening to the commercial Christmas music wafting to no one in particular ...but I've turned a corner of sorts...I think - well that's how I feel today anyway.

I've learned to follow my heart a little better. In Joan Didion's book that I've mentioned lately, "The Year of Magical Thinking", she refers to the plethora of "how to guides" to deal with the pain of grieving. Somehow I've managed to avoid some of the pitfalls like "Don't drink too much. Don't spend the insurance money redecorating. Don't join a support group". I've learned to 'look' like I'm holding up pretty well and appear like I'm accepting my reality. Remembering to breathe has been a large part of this success. I think I'm managing to do this more naturally, more often now.

This holiday season is a real test and I've tried to pay attention to myself - how I feel, what seems like a good idea and what to avoid. So far I've been fairly successful. I finished what I needed to effectively conclude fall quarter at school. I attended the faculty holiday party held at one of my favorite colleague's house - and shocker...I had fun. I've had a few other social options and with careful selection and planning have enjoyed each one I chose to attend. I limited my time and involvement...letting it flow naturally. I discovered that, in this way, I was actually mentally and emotionally present. I tire easily and don't bounce back as quickly - pacing myself is crucial.

My Christmas shopping has been controlled and contained - much less than in the past. I've completed a few projects, but not anything I knew I couldn't accomplish in the allotted time. I made the decision to greatly curb my card writing and in fact have not sent one yet. My plan is to email a greeting to most and those I don't see often I'll write a note....or not - maybe before Christmas, maybe after. I hung lights outside knowing that Apu would approve and that gave me pleasure - I even put up a small tree like the last one we last selected together. It delights me and that feels nice. I had my first party since my husband died - nothing big, just a few of my girl friends over for wine and some appetizers. I kept it simple and enjoyed time with each person who stopped by. 

Yes, I think things are looking up - as in "to the heavens". I ask for help constantly. I pray for courage, wisdom, knowledge, and patience. I speak to my honey often - sometimes out loud. "How are you doing sweetie? How do you think I'm handling things? Sometimes I feel you urging me along...sometimes I feel so all alone, but I know you so well. I know what you'd want for me - for our family. We're trying - we really are. Sometimes like tonight in that quiet, candle-lit chapel filled with music of the angels I miss you more than ever, but I don't think that will ever change." I think maybe I'll just get better at accepting that fact - but then it just may depend on the day. 

Here's a re-post of one of our Christmas favorites. Holding very tight to memories while riding in the midnight blue. Wishing all of you the magic of this beautiful Season~

 

Comments

[Spirit of Xmas]

"I will honor Christmas in my heart,and try to keep it all the year"..!-Charles Dickens

[Pat-E]

Patti,-- Jim,and Nathalie--You all write from the heart--so beautifully! It is a special "touch" that you all continue to "BLESS"-each other with your sweet words!--May your heart's be blessed with "PEACE",and special "GRACES"--this SEASON! Merry Christmas! -Pat-E

[Patti's Grace Notes]

Thank you Jim....and you have helped me. Isn't that a wonderful thing in this rather cynical, cyber-phobic, commercial oriented world of ours, that strangers can reach out across the midnight blue and actually make a difference in other's lives. I've read recently that "God uses regular people as angels" and you are certainly one. We have our own angels guiding us now. Psalms 55:22 'Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee. He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.' A Joyful Christmas to you.

[Nathalie Hardy]

I love Jim's comment. And this post. And you. xo

[Jim]

Very thoughtful...very nice. I love the Walking in the Air video :)
Patti, your thoughts and words have helped me get through this past year...more than you'll ever know. Hope you have a wonderful...blessed...and peaceful Christmas.

[Patti's Grace Notes]

Thank you, Richard....(you'll always be Dick to me....)

[Richard Bell]

Beautifully written. Merry Christmas Patti.