Patti's Grace Notes

Walking Solo/Holding Very Tight

 

I just returned from a concert in a surrounding much like this, with family and friends, and with a similar atmosphere. It was a "Celtic Christmas" and it was beautiful and peaceful - just what I needed. 

I read my post from a year ago just about this date - It was a pretty sad period. It's still difficult, of course, especially late at night alone in a near empty supermarket listening to the commercial Christmas music wafting to no one in particular ...but I've turned a corner of sorts...I think - well that's how I feel today anyway.

I've learned to follow my heart a little better. In Joan Didion's book that I've mentioned lately, "The Year of Magical Thinking", she refers to the plethora of "how to guides" to deal with the pain of grieving. Somehow I've managed to avoid some of the pitfalls like "Don't drink too much. Don't spend the insurance money redecorating. Don't join a support group". I've learned to 'look' like I'm holding up pretty well and appear like I'm accepting my reality. Remembering to breathe has been a large part of this success. I think I'm managing to do this more naturally, more often now.

This holiday season is a real test and I've tried to pay attention to myself - how I feel, what seems like a good idea and what to avoid. So far I've been fairly successful. I finished what I needed to effectively conclude fall quarter at school. I attended the faculty holiday party held at one of my favorite colleague's house - and shocker...I had fun. I've had a few other social options and with careful selection and planning have enjoyed each one I chose to attend. I limited my time and involvement...letting it flow naturally. I discovered that, in this way, I was actually mentally and emotionally present. I tire easily and don't bounce back as quickly - pacing myself is crucial.

My Christmas shopping has been controlled and contained - much less than in the past. I've completed a few projects, but not anything I knew I couldn't accomplish in the allotted time. I made the decision to greatly curb my card writing and in fact have not sent one yet. My plan is to email a greeting to most and those I don't see often I'll write a note....or not - maybe before Christmas, maybe after. I hung lights outside knowing that Apu would approve and that gave me pleasure - I even put up a small tree like the last one we last selected together. It delights me and that feels nice. I had my first party since my husband died - nothing big, just a few of my girl friends over for wine and some appetizers. I kept it simple and enjoyed time with each person who stopped by. 

Yes, I think things are looking up - as in "to the heavens". I ask for help constantly. I pray for courage, wisdom, knowledge, and patience. I speak to my honey often - sometimes out loud. "How are you doing sweetie? How do you think I'm handling things? Sometimes I feel you urging me along...sometimes I feel so all alone, but I know you so well. I know what you'd want for me - for our family. We're trying - we really are. Sometimes like tonight in that quiet, candle-lit chapel filled with music of the angels I miss you more than ever, but I don't think that will ever change." I think maybe I'll just get better at accepting that fact - but then it just may depend on the day. 

Here's a re-post of one of our Christmas favorites. Holding very tight to memories while riding in the midnight blue. Wishing all of you the magic of this beautiful Season~

 

Walking Solo/Still Trying To Think Magically

 

Oh my gosh I am not kidding - I ran around the house chasing Scout till she was gasping (or was that me?). Then I fixed her a snack and STILL she is sitting at the foot of my chair with her pet squirrel in her mouth and growling for me to throw it. Honestly, I get no peace.

Okay, I have her settled on my lap for a few seconds but she's licking vsdrefgsa;jaa (oops) the keyboard. Oh, if I hurry I have a second while she's chewing on her own tail. Ow, Scout -that's me!

Ughhh- Well you see the harassment I'm under, and I'm not exaggerating. I really just wanted to mention that I continue to find value in this book, The Year Of Magical Thinking. Even though I purchased it for myself I found it in a pile of books well meaning friends got for me throughout the last year - now I have two. I guess we've just got to wait until we're ready for these things.

I'm reading where Joan refers to work by Melanie Klein, "Mourning and Its Relation to Manic-Depressive States," where she states that "The mourner is in fact ill, but because this state of mind is common and seems so natural to us, we do not call mourning an illness....." Klein puts her conclusion more precisely,"I should say that in mourning the subject goes through a modified and transitory manic-depressive state and overcomes it." I love the "overcomes it" part.

Didion goes on to describe that this is where the magical thinking part comes in....the next few months she waited for her husband to return...

She sites several examples of "warning flags" that should have been noticed and mine were not far off. She posted obituaries but could not read them and was disturbed that she had allowed other people think her husband was dead. I wouldn't even post an obituary and now I understand why. I returned correspondence with the Medical Society and requested they stop sending my husband renewal notices. I explained why. Several months later a former colleague who has moved out of the area found out about his death by reading it in the Medical Society's journal. I remember thinking, "How dare they tell them that." Even that remote made it a bit too real.

Another similarity we have is the cleaning out of our loved one's closet. She speaks of particular items and the memory connected with them. The well-intentioned offers of help to do this and, of course, the resistance. I was especially struck when she spoke of her husbands shoes. I thought it was just me - my sensitivity to his shoes because they were his one submission to any sartorial tendency. That and the fact that together we braved our son's closet following the horrific accident that claimed both of his legs. Never did it occur to me that I just might think he'd need them if he was to return.

I know what I'm saying...I know our Apu is dead, but that is the thing about magical thinking.......you can know a thing to be true and act otherwise. It's a long road this is...and it's my journey. I've emptied his closet yes, but recently I discovered that I did in fact leave behind one pair of shoes.