Patti's Grace Notes

Walking Solo/Magical Thinking

Where has the last month gone?....the last three months for that matter? This has been a fall to remember - trips to New York, Kona, and Sacramento, visitors, garage sale, new school year begun, raising up Scout (she won't leave me alone for two seconds...honestly. I love her madly, but it's like having a new born. Oh, how I've forgotten. I type threee words, throw her toy - she fetches and if I'm not fast enough to throw it again she growls her impatience. How did I live without her? And now the holidays! How the heck did that happen already? Thanksgiving was at my house - my 2nd without Apu. 

I finished my end of the quarter conferences with my nursing students today. Another quarter completed, another group one step closer to completing their dream. We need them badly, these bright, young, enthusiastic professionals. We just can't seem to educate them fast enough. I'm so proud of all of them.

I now have a little more time for reading other things besides medical resource books, articles, and student papers. I've just started a book that a friend gave me called, The Year Of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion. She is an author of some renown, having written several books, but this one is about her personal bereavement as she grieves the loss of her husband. (Scout is now on my lap which is not quite big enough for her long body [thanks to the dachshund ingredient to her mix]. I have to fold her into a circle so she can settle. Maybe one of those papoose things would work). Oh, yeah...Joan Didion...

She compares this loss with the loss of her parents. A friend of hers wrote to her at that time on the death of a parent: "despite our preparation, indeed,  despite our age, dislodges things deep in us, sets off reactions that surprise us and that may cut free memories and feelings that we had thought gone to ground long ago. We might, in that indeterminate period they call mourning, be in a submarine, silent on the ocean's bed, aware of the depth charges, now near and now far, buffeting us with recollections."

Like Joan, my father is dead, my mother is dead and while I felt devastated I could still go about my daily tasks - function to some degree. With my husband it is very different. It effects me profoundly everyday. I feel that the fog is only beginning to partly lift. My father was only 62 when he died of a brain tumor (my age-yikes) and my mother followed 14 years later to the month. We had time before with both, to prepare, but still loss is loss. I think of my children and how they are managing their grief. 

Joan writes, "Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehensions that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life." She state how virtually everyone who has experienced grief mentions this phenomenon of "waves". Even I wrote about this sensation some months ago in my blog. (Old Post Review).

Eric Lindemann, chief of psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital in the 1940's, interviewed many family members of those killed in the 1942 Cocoanut Grove fire. In his famous 1944 study he described, "sensations of somatic [physical] distress occurring in waves lasting from twenty minutes to an hour at a time, a feeling of tightness in the throat, choking with shortness of breath, a need for sighing, and an empty feeling in the abdomen, lack of muscular pwer, and intense subjective distress escribed as tension or mental pain." 

Tightness in the throat.

Choking, need for sighing...

Joan said such waves began for her on the morning of December 31st, 2003 (24 days after our son was nearly killed in Prague). Mine started anew on August 14, 2010.

 

 

Walking Solo/May the Lord Protect and Defend You

 

 I'd like to dedicate this post to my brother Ken - I love you, Kenneth.

Yesterday was my little brother's birthday and I was lucky enough to spend it with him and his favorite kid, Kendall (his only one). Gee - wonder how he thought of that name?

I grabbed Scout and jumped on a ferry to the Kitsap Peninsula to meet them after a morning of soccer games with my fake grand kids (thanks for sharing, Betsy). We didn't have a formal plan, but I wanted to surprise Ken with something a little special so I looked up the Bremerton Community Theater and found that one of my all time favorites was being performed, "Fiddler On The Roof!" We took our pups for a walk on a local trail and while strolling he quipped, "You know, what I'd really like to do is go to a play." I came back with, "SHUT-UP! That's what I've planned for us!" We both love to go to movies and that is a common outing for us, so it was quite funny that we both had the same idea.

The ticket office is only open M-F so I wasn't sure if they'd still have seats available. We went to dinner at a Korean restaurant and then we showed up 40 minutes early to see if we could get tickets. Ken said, "Hey I'll give you $5 if you'll go get tickets by singing your request to a Fiddler tune." Like that was any kind of a real challenge. Kendall being an easily embarrassed ninth grader secretly wished I hadn't heard him. I approached the little window singing to the tune of "If I Were A Rich Man" (click to hear). Mine went: "Do you have some tickets? - yabba dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum. I need three for my brother, niece and me - could you pleaaaseee sellll meee some?" That's as far as I got before we all burst out laughing, including the ticket salesman. I never got my five bucks.

I love all three of my brothers, but I adore my brother Ken. He makes me laugh even when neither of us has one damn thing to laugh about. If I see an email from him I'll open it immediately because I know it will lift me up. I hope I do the same for him. I'm not as funny, I know, but I always laugh at all and anything he says so that has to be worth something. He, like many in my family have had a rough year. His profession relies largely on the housing industry and we all know how that's been going lately. It seems he's had one crisis after the other but he always battles his way through. He does it for Kendall, I know, but we also help each other. He's my little brother - I'm eight years older, but I lean on him too. I'm lucky to have him as my friend.

This musical was perfect for us, on this day, given all we've been through lately. His daughter asked us "What the title of the musical meant? What did the fiddler have to do with anything?" So I asked her if she remembered the opening scene where the fiddler sat precariously on top of the roof of the house and Tevye tells us that "everyone of us is like a fiddler on the roof - trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking his neck." One might ask, why stay up there if it's so dangerous? He goes on to explain that we stay because it's what we know....it's our home, and we go on trying to live while keeping our balance. Then says...we may ask "how we keep that balance?" One word - Tradition! Without our traditions he says, "our life would be as shaky as a fiddler on the roof."

I love tradition - God help me. I'm sure it's making this loss of my life partner so difficult - we had such traditions. I'm sure it helped return our children to us from every, far foreign corner they explored. Apu is such a part of this Fiddler on the Roof story. Though he wasn't Jewish his upbringing and life experience is from this part of the world. The music is definitely a part of it.  The song "Sunrise, Sunset" was the only live music at our wedding all those many years ago (see old post). 

When our oldest daughter was preparing to marry, our Northwest family and friends from both sides gathered for a "couples" wedding shower. It was just a big party and It was wonderful to have so many people that we loved all together to celebrate that happy time. Apu and I wanted to do something special - a surprise for our daughter and her fiance. I had a wild idea and never dreamed Apu would go for it. "Let's perform 'Do You Love Me?' from Fiddler on the Roof!!" I reminded him of the scene and assured him it would be easy and fun and we'd be GREAT! "How bad could it be", I reminded him - "we'll be among friends and family. It's not like there'll be any critics in the crowd." He said "Vell....okay" and so - that's what we did. We didn't tell a soul....then we rehearsed, rehearsed, and rehearsed till we got it down. The night of the party the mother of the groom-to-be made a little toast and while I prepared to make mine, Apu sneaked in another room to get ready. I then told the couple that there were two visitors who had a message of love to share with them and they had just arrived in person to deliver it. I went to get them and Apu and I returned in costume and performed the scene below:

 

Didn't exactly sound like this, but we tried!

It went over pretty well - we got some laughs, and a few tears too. I don't know- maybe we were that bad. We had fun and I was so proud of him - He WAS Tevye. 

It was a wonderful day with my brother and his beautiful daughter. I was reminded once again that I am truly not alone - not really although late at night and early in the morning it sure feels like it. We were both happy to spend the time together, enjoy a wonderful, quality performance (we were so pleasantly surprised) and also to be reminded that it is possible to find balance no matter how precarious things can get-shaky rooves and all. I have your back, my precious, courageous brother. Thanks for having mine.

 

Walking Solo/Is That All There Is?

 

I'm just going to plunge in here....I have no idea where in the heck I'm going with this. Maybe if I just start rambling something will come. 

I must have had some kind of idea to begin with that title and this video. I only know that I'm struggling a bit these days...maybe more than a bit. I made it through August and survived my first year of tremendous loss and then September hurried up to greet me and by the time I'd lost a little momentum October just sorta slammed into me. I'm not quite sure what's going on. I think I'm too tired to figure it all out. 

Besides the "Post-Kona Blues" (an actual malady, by the way) there are a few things happening around me besides my own little pity party. One of my dearest friends is enduring the trauma/drama of her first grandchild being born at just 24 weeks - that's skipping the entire third trimester (not even completing the second one). Little Benson is fighting hard and it's a miracle that he's still hanging in there. We call him our littlest ironman, but the toll on the family is tremendous. Two of my brothers have had serious health scares in the last few weeks and my third one has worked so hard to hold his world together after facing several crises. One cousin has a serious health concern and another's husband is in the care of Hospice living out his final days. Life is damn difficult and don't I know it. We work so hard; we try our darnedest and in the end....is that all there is?

A few months ago I promised my friend Pat that I would attend the "Women of Faith" event that was held in Seattle last weekend. Truthfully, I didn't even know what it was, having never heard of this organization before, and was a somewhat skeptical after learning that this year's theme was "Over The Top". Even though I tend to be a bit private about my faith (except for this blog and close friends and family) I love and trust Pat and decided to commit to this for her sake. Once I'd done that my attitude, as usual, is "what the heck" just be open - how "over the top" can it be?

This is an experience that I think is best described in this video, for any who might be interested and curious (Women of Faith). It was "over the top" but in a good way, not in an uncomfortable, Bible-thumping, turn-you-off sort of way. Just like the they say on the video, I laughed, I cried, I sang (in my own little way) and I laughed again. No one rolled in the aisles, (not on purpose anyway) no one spoke in tongues (you know what I mean) and I never once was asked to come on stage to "save" myself. It was truly a celebration and that, interestingly enough, is the theme for next year's event. I'd love to get my girls to go...but we'll see. Everything has it's time, I've discovered. 

I had many favorite moments and I absorbed from the event that which spoke just to me - of course, but one stood out in particular. A woman named Marilyn Meberg took the mike and I wasn't immediately charmed by her like I was the others. She is a bit formidable looking at first, rather straight-lace and serious - not immediately charismatic like the others. I didn't know of her nor had I read anything about her (or the others for that matter) prior to attending. As I said, I was fitting this little sojourn in to accommodate my dear friend and I didn't think it would hurt too much. What? It's as good a reason to go as any...plus much less painful than telling Pat "no". I was pleasantly surprised by this woman's wry sense of humor, quick wit and unquestionable intelligence. While the others entertained, she had something to say. I didn't really connect with her until she spoke about losing her husband, Ken, after 29 years of marriage when he died of cancer. Here is a little sample of this amazing woman.

 

Turns out she's a Washington girl originally, became a licensed child therapist and now travels the world sharing faith and optimism. So there she is standing in the middle of Key Arena in Seattle begging the question, "Is that all there is?" She reminded all of us of Peggy Lee's lyrics and our tendency to be unsatisfied in most areas of our lives - seemingly always wanting more. It was easy imagining people that I know wanting bigger, nicer houses, a fancier car, better behaved children, or a more loving spouse. But where she really had me was when she said that all she really wanted was more time with her Ken. That one really hit home for me because above anything else I could want....I only wanted more time. And the beautiful part was when, at the end of her talk, she said, "There is more - a lot more, we just have to be patient and wait for it. I have that to look forward to - eternity with Ken Meberg."

I guess that doesn't work for everyone and I feel sad for them. I realize that I have a head start since I've had my whole life to work on my belief system, but I really do believe that rather than "The Cause" - "He is the answer." I have to work at it like everyone else, but in the center of me it feels so right. I'll just keep trucking along on my solo journey which seems so alone because my own personal leash (although I never thought of it like that) got dropped Big Time, but I also know that my connections are many and very strong. I just need to remind myself more often just how very blessed I am to have all those I love and who love me. With a little hope, a lot of prayer and a big leap of faith I think we'll discover that beyond the blue there's a whole lot more.