Patti's Grace Notes

Walking Solo/I Was Made For You

 

Today is my birthday. It was a wonderful day....and then I came home. 

I still love celebrating my life, I hope I always will. I do have many stories to tell, it's just that my best audience is no longer here. I tell him anyway. He knows most of the ones that got me to this place anyway.

It's been a difficult year - you don't want to know....but you already do because I've told you over and over. Are you tired of it yet? I am. I felt a shift last night, or I thought I did - maybe I just sighed in my sleep. When I woke up my phone was ringing (thank you Betsy, you were the first) then Scout was licking my face. The sun was shining - how welcome it was.

Milestones - measurements - ticks of the clock. It's ours to choose or lose. I say yes! Bring it on, knock me down, blow me sideways - I still have a few mountains to climb, an ocean or two left to cross. As the song says, "all of these lines across my face tell you the story of who I am.... and how I got to where I am" so I say 'happy birthday to me' my story isn't done - not by a long shot. Hard as this year has been I am working on that new attitude, remember, three steps forward - two back. I'm making progress, slow as it may be, but inching on ahead none-the-less.

I'm feeling the weight of all of the burdens Apu carried in addition to his illnesses. How he managed I'll never know. I didn't thank him enough - how could I, I didn't know. I'm learning, but it's so hard without him. He was he smart one. I'm sure he's smiling down thinking, "finally - some credit". But today was my birthday and I enjoyed every moment - I knew I would...I'd made up my mind. I want to thank everyone for the lovely wishes, calls, cards - everything. Sometimes I feel alone, but I know that I'm not.

A 'smile is on my mouth'!

 

....and in my little heart with my Gypsy posse on my birthday trip to Whidbey Is. (Thank you familia)

ps-I wrote for two hours last week and lost the damn post in cyber space....if you find it please let me know...sigh.

 

Walking Solo/Attitude is Everything!

[Laughing out lout] I am losing my mind. I am literally trying to type with my sweet puppy, Scout, lying on my hands. If I only had my camera right here - damn! She is no longer 9 lbs....but 16 and a good mid-size for a smaller dog. She's an armful when I need to lug her from here to there, so she's no small, 4lb pile on my lap like Mikey was (except he was usually under my shirt). Scout is on a pillow, on my lap with her head flipped over backwards looking up at the computer screen...that can't be healthy. Why, you may ask do I put up with such nonsense? ...'cause she makes me so happy...and she makes me laugh - done! Look at that mug...could you say no?

I had a little burst of that old "writer" compulsion earlier today and it felt good. When I was younger and flirted with the idea of being a professional writer, the image of feverishly scribbling while an unfiltered cigarette dangled from my lips and a tumbler of bourbon sat within my reach was in direct conflict with my real calling - a starched-white ethereal figure of mercy. Ok, so I'm a bit of a romantic-sue me. The part of my image of a writer that was accurate is when I'm gripped with that urge of, "I've got to get this down" - when I'm using the backs of parking tickets, church bulletins, or used tissue (yuk) to get an idea saved. I LOVE that although it raises havoc with my driving. I haven't felt it lately....not for awhile. 

Why today? I'm not sure. It could be a result of a memorial I attended, on Saturday, of a 95 yr old woman who lived the DASH of her life to the fullest. You know, the dash as in November 4, 1916 - March 3, 2012. There is even a popular poem that has been written about it:

The Dash Poem

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of his friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth…
and now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;
the cars…the house…the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard…
are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left.
That can still be rearranged

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what’s true and real,
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile…
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy’s being read
with your life’s actions to rehash...
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent your dash?

by Linda Ellis

So, yes, that could have given me my little spark or it could be that I finished my final student conferences today and while I still have a few complex loose ends, I'm almost free for a couple of weeks. But I think it might have more to do with my encounter with a former student this afternoon. He told me that he'd stumbled accross my blog on the internet and that he was really moved by it. This is a very special person who has experienced some obstacles in his life - so what did he do?.....he went on to another challenge by deciding to go to nursing school - no easy feat. It meant a lot coming from him. I'm so proud of all he's accomplished. I am usually in that role of cheerleader to my students and here he was encouraging me. The teacher becomes the student. You know, I write these little drivels almost to myself and every so often some one comes from the shadows to sprinkle a little sunshine on me and it's then that I remember how good it feels. (Thank you sweet man.) Or maybe it was my own three kids who inspire me daily.....I think it was maybe me being open to all of it.

I found an old post of mine where I printed this quote:

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.” Charles R. Swindoll

This is posted on my office door at school. I revere the word "attitude" and, as I mentioned in that past post, for me it is second only to "love". Maybe it should be first because our attitudes can often open us up to love that we would possible otherwise miss. Anyway, I collect all sayings having to do with it: "Gratitude is an Attitude" and one that was the motto of windsurfers which was a sport our son enjoyed in his "before" days: "Attitude is Everything". I think of that often about him. I think that may well have led him right up to that LA podium Saturday night where he won the "Endurance Live Award" for Challenged Athlete of the Year. But one of my more recent favorites is "Attitude is the cure for resentment".

Grief is a dark room. It shares the hallway with other gloomy chambers like resentment, discontent, and regret. My spiritual self believes that the God of my faith will always be there to help us but it is up to us to ask. We can stand in a dark room all night long feeling sorry for ourselves for it's bleakness, but it is our responsiblity to reach out and flip the switch. 

We wait for the miracles that we so want to believe can happen, but it is often the little ones that occur around us daily that we miss. The ones so precious, so vital, and so necessary for us to move through this thing called life. I've lived in the brightness of the sun for much of my life, very blessed and extremely grateful, but when the darkness shrouds it's difficult to remember what that warmth felt like. I may bump into a wall now and again but I feel so comforted in the knowledge that sooner or later one of my little undeserved spots of light will guide me to the switch. Thank You for all my little miracles....and for my three big ones. 

Congratulations, dear son - you light up my life. You deserve it all and more.

 

 

Walking Solo/I'll Remember You

 

I'm full on burying myself in my student final evaluation phase of the quarter. Normally this is a great time for creative procrastination, but I'm not very inspired these days. Just can't seem to shake my gloom. I'm successful for about 10 minutes at a time and I'm working on extending these stretches, but it takes so much mental work that it's just exhausting. I'll get there - not worried, just tired. Send sun p-l-e-a-s-e. Actually, I'll be Cali bound here in a few weeks. I am SO ready.

*APU has left the building*

Walking Solo/Standing On My Own

 

Not a call for help. Just being honest. Not writing is dishonest. It's been a rough month.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday....Sunday morning. This is what grief feels like and it ain't pretty. I'm ready for spring.

ps-I don't think seeing "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" by myself helped, nope for sure it didn't..... note to self. 

Walking Solo/It's A Good Excuse

 

It's just a day, I know that- but it's a good excuse. Why not tout your love - commercial as it may be. I always loved getting roses. He gave me roses.

I've been writing this cyber-rag for over a couple of years now - imagine. The time has flown...my. I was looking over the past couple of Valentine's days and I realize that I didn't even spend the last one we had together. I was in California with my oldest making out with the sun. Now that's a kiss to bask in. It was never the big things...never has been with me. Did I say he gave me roses?

Today I was a little sick....a little tired. I just wanted to stay in bed, but then I've fought that all along - no sense in pulling the covers over now. Besides Scout won't stand for it - literally.  So it was to the beach blustery and wet - chilled to the bone kind of wet. A dear friend met me there and as they do, she brought me out of myself. When you care about others that's how it's done. Her German Shepherd ran with Scout - chased I should say. Scout loved it. Ran like she never had a ACL scare - thank the Lord for that. We all had a lovely, revived, exhilarating romp - odd little valentines.

I returned home to my walls, sighed my sighs and coached myself through my day. Twice Scout barked the bark of home invasion and by the time I made it to the door I found to my delight a valentine - flowers, balloon, candy. My pretend grandchildren thought of me...and my sister - I love you guys, thank you so much for loving me. I love you right back. Oh....and my children - they have valentines....real ones and I am so happy for that. I believe in love and what ever reminds us of how special it is to be loved on any and every level - well isn't that what life is all about? I had a love that most people never experience and I'm so grateful for that. Yes, I miss it...miss him, but I've known how that feels - lived it for a very long time. That will last me forever. Happy Valentine's Day Everyone. I hope you told someone that you love them, if not - how about tomorrow? ...and the next day. One more thing - my children? They gave me roses. 

a-Light-in-myself/Murmuration

Via my oldest child - Thank you for the life affirmation. Love the chance-encounters that blow our minds into the glorious moment.

Murmuration from Sophie Windsor Clive on Vimeo.

The look on her face - priceless!  

 

a-Light-in-myself/A Reminder

It is no one's job but my own to enlighten my own damn self...

 

 

Walking Solo/Into The New Year

 

The Prayer 
I pray you'll be our eyes, and watch us where we go.
And help us to be wise in times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer, when we lose our way
Lead us to the place, guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe

Well, maybe it's just me, but they make me weep. ...and the words, for me...right now, says it all. Such beautiful music.

I'm trying very hard to get kick-started into this new year with thoughts, ideas (which are thoughts with a little more energy, I guess) and plans to keep my little buniony toes moving forward. It's hard work I'll admit. Committing, as always, is the problem but it feels SO good to accomplish something. Not easy to do when one is adept at making excuses.

BlOG NEWS
I did manage to do a few things last year. I survived, for one...I thought that was a good one to start. The good news is that my Project 1000 (to rid myself of 1000 un-needed items) was successful. The bad news is that it didn't even make a dent :( ...so I'm launching a Project 500 to keep the momentum going. Hey - every little bit helps, that and instituting the buy one toss one rule (toss two is even better, but hey - baby steps). So, I've got that going for me.

Next up is my Progetto Italiano! Yep, I'm learning Italian - gotta keep the brain cells working. My daughter-in-love speaks the language (among others) and has offered to teach me but she's pretty hardcore so I think I need to get a small vocabulary base before I face her - we're on good terms so far.

In addition to all of that, work, the house falling down around my ears...etc, I'm trying to journal more. This consists mostly of letters to Apu, but it is relaxing, theraputic, and satisfying in a very personal way. I do find myself editing to some degree. You can't lose a spouse, watch your children go through every piece of paper in his desk and not learn a lesson or two. Yes, I'll be doing some paper shredding soon. 

BUT - the big news is my new blog! I'll let it speak for itself because as, my son said - I did plenty of speaking in the first post. In my defense, I had to start with some background and I never pretended to be concise - in all fairness I am, after all, Italian (and Irish, but I am not learning Gaelic). Here is my new blog address a Lick and a Prayer. Please include your email address at the bottom of that blog page if you have the remotest interest in being notified of future posts, which I promise to keep shorter....most of the time. Oh, come on - how much can you write about a dog? Yeah...I know.

This is a shout out to the owner of Belle & Tinker. Thanks Jim for my new blog title - it's perfect! And thank you to my son for my banner - he makes it all seem so easy.
It's been challenging to learn a new blog-site and will be even more so moving back and forth between the two different formats, but again it's all about the gray matter. Thank you for going on this ride with me. You've helped me, especially this last year, more than you'll ever know. So here's to the months ahead. I know I'm guided with grace from above and whispers in the Devine ear by a newbie with an accent. That reminds me - tonight while I was in my kitchen I heard Baby, my African Grey parrot, say "SheeeeT" in a most unmistakable voice. I almost burst into tears....but I laughed instead. Miss you sweet man - and Baby does too. 

 

Walking Solo/Input Requested

I woke up with a headache this morning. I don't get them often but this one almost made me miss mass. I hustled at the last moment because I knew that staying home would just make me feel worse. As I peeked out the window my heart ached almost as much as my head - nothing quite as dismal as a downpour and lumps of dirty, nearly melted snow. Have I totally depressed you yet?

Don't worry, things got better. It was good that I didn't remain home and wallow. Mass is always good for me and being among people at mass even better, for the most part. Fr. Petosa was an inspiration, as always when he serves mass - a good homily never hurts. A knowing eye from my bff, Betsy, (can't hide a damn thing from her) and hugs from my pretend grand-kids were greatly appreciated, as well. Betsy and I sipped our Sunday cup of java following mass - I treasure our time together more than she'll ever know, but....I still had that nagging headache.

Scout was waiting for me in her trusting, loyal way and I took her for the walk I'd promised her prior to my departure. It would take more than heavy, cold rain for me to break my word - she is so good for me, as you all have learned. The air felt good and fresh as I breathed in the sweet aroma of pine and cedar and all things outdoors. I started thinking as we walked. If it weren't for her I'd be indoors, feeling blue, and nursing a throbbing cranium.

A kernel of an idea began to form. I reflected on the many positive responses I got from my recent blog about my walk with Scout in the snow. I was almost embarrassed to write about it for fear I'd come off sounding like an aging widow with all the pathetic cliches, but I heard from all sorts of people. Maybe they were just happy that I wasn't moping about my grief-speckled existence. As I wrote that piece I was reflecting on the "little old ladies" I pass in the early morning, walking their dogs and those that I've met at the dog beach hovering over their beloved pooches. Part of me watched these scenes separating myself with distinction: "Well, I'm not THAT old", or "I actually HAVE a life"...etc, etc. But the fact is those women are engaging in life. They aren't sitting at home on the sofa watching reruns of "Murder She Wrote" (well not all the time anyway), they are out WALKING and LIVING and well....LOVING. Those are good and healthy activities. They would probably read a blog about that. It was then that I realized my headache was gone.

So folks, I'm thinking about writing a new blog. Not instead of this one, but adjacent to it. I'd keep it separate because, let's face it, not everyone is a dog person, or if they are their lives might be so full that their animal actually knows that s/he is really a dog...you know, not a....person. Ok, I said it. I'm thinking that this blog would appeal to a special sort of individual and who knows, I might even generate advertising from it. I must thank my friend and mentor, Nathalie of Nathalies Notes, who constantly inspires me. She writes a blog about "writing in the margins" of her life as a wife, mother, and professional writer. She has her ups and downs along this bumpy road of life and inspires herself every day to seek a new angle. So, that's what I must do - inspire myself. It's no one else's job but mine. 

I'm stealing a quote from my wise, oldest daughter (to distinguish from my wise, youngest one) who tweeted today, "What other creature lives this life all the while railing against it...?" I don't know it's origin but could easily write a whole post on it alone. So I'm not asking your opinion on the idea of the blog, because it's my responsibility to try and fulfill my life the best I can in the most meaningful ways I can. And while some well intentioned (joking to a degree...and I took them that way) people commented how "maybe I need a grandchild", I realize that while that could be nice - it's not up to me (thank God). My little Scout is a big part of my life right now and I think this will be fun. What I want to know is - what shall I name it?

Let me know your thoughts: Some of my quick ideas are "Scout's Travels" "Adventure's With Scout", "Rescued" (as in me, not her), "Puppy Love", "Apu's Gift", "Scout: Cock-eye ears and a lick in the eye", "Exploring with Scout" & "My Gal Scout".  Well that's all I have time for right now because said mutt is letting me know she's hungry and bored. I'm open for original ideas as well so feel free to brain storm. I also have some ideas to uplift my "Walking Solo" - more later. 

Bath time after the down pour

It's all about engaging in life, living, and loving - moving forward. We each have to find those things that lift us up and keep our head and hearts in the game. Trying to rail a little less and explore the potential.

 

".....I was far too old and too big for such childish things, and the sooner I learned to hold in, the better off eveybody would be. I soon forgot...." Scout from "To Kill a Mockingbird."

Walking Solo/Snow Days!!

 

Wow! Big day, I just uploaded and posted my first you-tube video. Mercifully, it's private (except for you of course) so the whole bloody world doesn't have to sit through all 29 seconds of it. I figured you've already signed up for the ride so how bad can it hurt to watch my beloved pooch trudge through the new fallen snow? We had a long, beautiful, exhilarating walk and we both loved every second of it.

Okay, I'm not even going to apologize for how obsessed I've become with my buddy Scout - it's scary how much I love her. There have just been too many studies done on the positive effect pets have on people in need. Dogs are the one animal that I've known to be officially allowed in to hospitals to visit the patients (that's not to mention all the varieties that have been smuggled in). In long-term care facilities, I've witnessed, residents respond to pets in ways rarely seen in their human interactions so, no, I'm not going to try to defend myself. I just don't want to be labeled as "one of those" old ladies...., well you know what I mean. I guess it could be worse, I could be a hoarder with 11 cats. I'm not far off - a messy house with one spoiled puppy that can pretty much do what she wants - there....sigh...ok, I guess I am one of those.

I've made a deal with Scout though, she does have to learn how to behave just enough so that she is welcome to be around children and is safe, but I won't make her learn useless tricks or wear funny outfits for my entertainment. She has a couple of sweaters and one heck of a fancy coat for warmth and...well, I confess I made her try on Mikey's Christmas hat, but just for a second. I laughed until I nearly fell over - she wasn't too happy about it either. Sorry baby... lol, still laughing.

As you can see I'm in better spirits. That's just how it is these days - you've got to enjoy them when they come. You'd think the bitter cold and snow would have me isolated and on my knees - nope. I can't explain it but I was motivated to go out truckin' around the ice & snow in the jeep, playing in the back yard with Scout and taking long, brisk treks along the winter landscape. We were even the first ones to discover a downed power line and called it in. I waited with my hazard lights blinking and the policeman nearly patted me on the head when he showed up.

I've managed to get some school work done, the Christmas decorations put away, and a few odd chores caught up. I even paid some bills earlier than necessary. It may sound ridiculous, but these are small things that make me feel calmer inside - a little more settled. I have to take full advantage when the urge strikes. Maybe it's about control. If I can contain my surroundings in small ways it helps me cope better with so much of which I have no command - like, say, the weather. Yes my first week's schedule at the hospital with my brand new group of students has been totally trashed, but we are warm, cozy, and safe, dates have been adjusted, and the students got extra study time before their first big exam. 

I have a few more projects to tackle before the week-end is out, but I took time today to indulge my furry bestie once more. Today is Scout's birthday - well as close as I can guess. Most of you may remember that I rescued her in July on what would have been my 38th wedding anniversary. As near as my vet could calculate, she was pronounced to be 6 months old. Never too proud to use a worthy cliche -"my how time flies!" Since that made January the one year mark and since Scout's previous owner was deceased leaving no information about her, I figured that among that individual, Apu, and my mother, who's birthday would have been today - Scout was chosen especially for me and January 20th would be a fine day for her birthday. 

She loves me in a tail waggin', face lickin' (and I mean the whole face, nostrils and all - I know, yuck!) sleeping on my bed in the crook of my knee, neck nuzzlin' kind of way. It's complete and unconditional and I love her right back because, well she's helped to patch one little corner of a great big hole in my heart. I read a saying recently which, I am sure, is as commercial as they come, but I kinda like it...because it's true - "I want to be the kind of person that my dog thinks I am". I have a way to go, but I'm working on it~

 

Thank you to Betsy, Piper & Nate for helping celebrate Scout's 1st Birthday!